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Need your viewpoint on this guy. Regarding to what the way he treats his past 'One night stand', just based on this ONS situation only.

(93 Posts)
thestairs Fri 22-Apr-16 20:18:52

Hi, I'm very sorry; this is a long-winded wordy post. Warning: very LONGGG post ahead..
I know it going to be hard to read it all, but please please read through the whole post. I really want to hear your viewpoint, what you think of this guy. Regarding to what he did, the way he treats his past 'One night stand'.. Especially the bold part in the bracket. Please read the bold part in the bracket throughly, it very important (it about what he did in the ONS, and the way he treats the ONS).
I need your viewpoints/inputs, anything on what you think on this guy based on this ONS situation only. Just based on this single situation only, what you think about a guy like him? As in what does it say about his character, what it say about him based on this stituation only--what he did on the ONS and the way he treats the ONS.

okay, The situation: In all fairness to him, it happened 10-11 years ago. This happened a decade ago when when he 20 (he 30 now).
What happened was a decade ago/back in his college age days, when he was single; he had 2 "One night stand" condom on sex.. It was just the 'purely' physical sex, zero emotions into it. It was just two people wants to get into each other pants for the physical sex.

He said he have zero feelings for those ONS girls. It was a one time thing where both parties agree to the arrangement of the physical sex, and he leaves afterwards.. He make it clear in the begining that he will not stay the night, he will not call, he will not keep in touch.
He also make it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't even want 'friends with benefits'. He just want the physical sex (so does the girl). The ONS girl agree with that arrangement.
The girl and him both want the physical sex, there No emotions involved.

I understand that he doesn't want a baby at the college age, and he doesn't want to pay for child support, so on his ONS he always wear a condom. This agree with him that he do the right thing to use safe sex and protect himself.. I guess he smart, he sure saw alot of guys with baby mama drama out there, so he make sure not to get himself in to the position like those guys.
Safe sex sure help avoid alot of headache and drama, especially when you not ready for a baby.

He said he doesn't do anything wrong because he make it very clear in the beginning that the arrangement was: purely physical sex--condom on, and he leave right after sex; the girl agree to it.. It simply just two people who wants to get into each other pants.
The ONS girl agree with the arrangement. Both parties agree with the arrangement, that was why the ONS happened.. He woudn't have the ONS if the girl didn't agree with the arrangement. It about fairness to himself and fairness to the girl.

He believe in fairness, and he wants to be fair to the girl. He doesn't want to give the girl false hope.. He make it very clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he Not looking for a relationship. The ONS happened because the girl agree to the arrangement, he make it very clear in the begining; he not leading her on. He didn't do anything wrong.
When he doesn't want a relationship, he will honestly say he doesn't want a relationship. He said he will not give give a girl hope when it isn't hope there.

okay, fine. BUT here what I find him cold and cruel. Picture this okay, so basically on those two ONS of his--He had sex with the ONS girl, jerk it off into his condom. And leave right after sex, go on with his street life like nothing happened.. He doesn't stay the night, he doesn't call, doesn't keep in touch with those girls. He leave right after sex, he doesn't care about being nice or being civil.
I understand that he wear a condom for safety for protection, he doesn't want to pay for child support blah blah.. But the thing is he so careful to the point that before he climax--with the condom on he still pull out. And he finish himself off in the condom/jerk it off into the condom; outside no where near the girl's vagina.
Basically he doesn't trust the ONS girl/the 2 ONS he had in his past.
Heck, he probably doesn't even trust the condom because with condom on he still pull out, and ejaculate outside (he pull out, and then finish himself off in the condom all outside).

Yes, you read it right. He wear a condom but he still careful to the point to make sure that he pull out before climax; pull out with the condom still on, and finishes by hand help himself. He jerk it off into the condom after he already pull out.
Heck, the condom still on but he still pull out; and he finishes by hand--jerk it off into the condom all outside. His ejaculate was no where near her vagina, he that beep careful. I feel that he so cold and cruel.
And he leave afterwards. Yes, he leave right after sex, go on with his life like nothing happened. No feelings No emotions involved. it was just the 'purely' physical sex.
Isn't all that just cold and cruel? I know it his body. I know he extra careful but he selfish, it all about himself. I feel that he doesn't trust the 2 ONS girls at all. All he care about is him, him and him only.

From what he did with his past 2 ONS; I feel that he wants to avoid the chance of pregnancy at any cost, like avoid it avoid it.. Eventhough it a one time thing sex with condom on, but he still that beep careful.
I asked him if he miss those ONS girls or think of them? He said No, he doesn't miss them, he doesn't think of them.. Physical sex is just physical sex, there no emotional attachment to it. He doesn't even know those girls.
I asked if he text, phone or keep in touch with those ONS girl afterwards? He said No, he said doesn't see the needs to because he make it very clear in the beginning already. He not looking for relationship, he not even looking for 'FWB'. So what is the need of text phone, or keep in touch with them?
What he wants was just he physical sex, (so does those girls). After done with sex, leaves afterwards go on with his life. The girls agree with the arragement and agree with him leave after sex, therefore he doesn't own that two ONS girls anything.

I asked him; "what IF"--what IF the ONS girl get pregnant, what would he do. I asked him would he married her?
You know how cold his answer is? He said No, he said he will not married her.. Because he doesn't love her, he doesn't have any feelings for her, he doesn't even know her. He will not married the girl just because she got pregnant from the one time ONS. (Given how careful he is even with condom on; she got pregnant from that one single time sex with condom on is a No).
He won't married any girl, unless he loves her. Unless he loves and have feelings for the girl; or else he won't married her. He wants to be fair to himself and as well be fair to the girl.. To him it all about his fairness and balance scale.

Anyways, I continue asked him answer me, "what IF"--the what IF question if she got pregnant then what? He answered, he said he will pay for child support, be in the baby life, spend time with the baby, buy whatever things the baby needs. He will will fullfill his role as a father.. But between him and that ONS girl: it simply he the dad of the baby, and she the mom of the baby; that's all to it.
He will Not married her, he will Not have sex with her again.. It a ONS, it a one time thing sex and it will remained a one time thing; there won't be a second time sex.
He will fulfill his duty as a father; pay for child support, be in the baby life, buy whatever things the baby need, watch the baby grow up.. But that it, he won't married the ONS girl, and he won't sleep with her again: ONS will remain a ONS--one time sex.
He wish her all the happiness; find her man/her husband, find her happiness.. But him--he won't married her, because he doesn't love her. He wants to be fair to himself, fair to her, and fair to the baby.

That his fairness scale, probably the point of extreme? Seem like this guy is very black and white in his views, there no grey line, he doesn't blur the line. It rather black or white, not in between.
He doesn't let girls or physical sex influence his decision. He can clearly separate love, feelings, emotions, sex.. He sure can separate the ONS purely physical sex, separate it from the sex with emotional attachment. He can damn clearly separate if he loves the girl or not.
Like for example with his ONS above; when there no feelings then there no feelings, he very straightforward, he make it very clear since.. It very black and white to him, it so easy and so clearly to him.
And he doesn't need any girls to stroke his ego, he doesn't need a girl to be in relationship with. He confident in himself.. Frankly, I think he is a cold and self-centered guy. I feel that he not capable of love any girl, I'm not sure if he capable of truly love any girl.
What do you see from this guy? Based on waht he do in his ONS/how he treast his ONS, especially the bold part in the bracket.. Isn't he kind of cold, self-centered, cocky? I feel that he not capable of truely love any girl. Can you find yourself be his girl, be with a guy like him? Be his girl--be his woman (especially knowing the way he treats his past ONS, knowing those stuff above about him).

AnyFucker Fri 22-Apr-16 20:23:19

I think you are expending too much brain energy on one bloke

Just think of all the constructive things you could have done instead of typing all that man pleasing blather out

MrsHathaway Fri 22-Apr-16 20:27:26

Tbh he sounds honest and sensible. Of course he shouldn't marry someone he isn't in love with just because he impregnates her: it isn't the C19.

That said, I wouldn't exactly be queueing for a date with him. Life support system for a vagina isn't my style.

Perbsy Fri 22-Apr-16 20:31:32

I think what he's done in the subsequent ten years would be more relevant.

Offred Fri 22-Apr-16 20:32:08

I think it sounds like he is a great deal more respectful, honest, thoughtful and considerate about ONS, accidental pregnancy and marriage than I have ever known anyone to be and he sounds like a good guy.

You sound like a lunatic - marry a ONS just because of an accidental PG?! Why on earth?

rockabillyruby82 Fri 22-Apr-16 20:33:24

Er....wow...that was quite a read. I hope you're not as repetitive in real life or this guy will leave!
Let me break this down. You're dating a guy, he's been honest with his past sex life and these are the problems.
A) He had one night stands. Before he slept with the girls he was clear of his intentions so as to not lead them on.
B) He used protection and to be extra cautious used the 'pull out' method
C) He will only a marry a woman he is in love with but if he accidently became a father he would support the mothers decision tm keep the baby and support her in every way possible and be happy for her if she settled into a loving relationship.
Honestly OP, I fail to see your problem!

InaMay Fri 22-Apr-16 20:33:58

He sounds sensible and honest. You on the other hand... What's the story, OP? Are you the ONS or are you currently seeing him?

DropYourSword Fri 22-Apr-16 20:36:21

Oh my freaking goodness. You need to learn to edit, because the repetition in your post is ridiculous. In summary a guy has 2 one night stands, which he believes is what the woman is happy with too. Uses contraception. Leaves afterwards. Would not marry one of the women if she became pregnant.

Women can actually enjoy one night stands too. Some of the best sex I've had was from a couple of ONS.

I think it would be fucking insane to marry someone you got pregnant on a one night stand, totally insane. I don't think it's any indication of bring incapable of love, it just shows capability of logic and judgement. He would be required to fulfill his duties as a father, but that does not include marrying the mother.

Where do you fit into this whole picture anyway?

DownstairsMixUp Fri 22-Apr-16 20:36:56

You are investing far too much thought into someone else's past. Bordering on sounding like a lunatic

YouAreMyRain Fri 22-Apr-16 20:40:43

Is this a first draft? I think it could do with some editing

He did nothing wrong.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Fri 22-Apr-16 20:45:07

10 years ago your man had a one night stand and used a condom.

What on earth are you worried about?

Cabrinha Fri 22-Apr-16 20:48:36

TL;DR
Man has a couple of one night stands 10 years ago in early 20s, all consensual and agreed absolutely no strings attached. Ejaculates into condoms after sex to avoid chance of pregnancy. OP asks if he'd have married woman if pregnancy had resulted. Man says no, support baby yes, marry complete stranger I never had any feelings for - no.
OP things man is callous and cold. Wonders what we think.

OP - I think you got a concussion back in 1952. Woke up this morning in 2016

MrHannahSnell Fri 22-Apr-16 20:51:17

What,exactly, is the issue here? And why are you worried about all this anyway?

rockabillyruby82 Fri 22-Apr-16 20:58:46

Lol Cabrinha

arsenaltilidie Fri 22-Apr-16 21:04:39

You sound like an abuse cunt OP. How dare you question him on something that happened 10 yrs ago.

Cabrinha Fri 22-Apr-16 21:12:35

I do get the vague impression from the phrasing, and 'college days' reference that OP could be American, and I'm wondering about the Bible Belt.

DropYourSword Fri 22-Apr-16 21:14:13

No need for that arsenal hmm

Floggingmolly Fri 22-Apr-16 21:20:33

You think he's cold and cruel for not calling and keeping in touch with a mutually agreed one night stand? Seriously?
Are you considering a relationship with this guy? -and how the hell do you know so much about a one night stand he had 10 years ago???

thestairs Fri 22-Apr-16 21:25:34

I'm sorry, English is my third language. I know it hard to read, but please try to read the whole OP post above before give your viewpoint on this guy.. Thank you so much, I really really appreciate it.

His whole "Relationship history":
1) --- His first love/first relationship was with a girl he went to High school with; they know each others since their High school days. They were each others first in everything, each others first time sex; he loved her too too much. Unfortunately, after she graduated High school--her whole family and her move to another state.. Due to the long distance they naturally drift apart, it didn't work out for them. He did say he loved her alot.

This is what really really make him cold and cruel: Please read the bold point again please.
2) --- Then in his college age days (a decade ago), he had two "One night stands" that purely was just the physical sex. He said he have No feelings for those girls. There was No feelings No emotions involved, he doesnt' even know those girls.
He make it very clear in the beginning that the arrangement was: purely physical sex--condom on, and he'll leave right after sex; the girl agree to it.. Both parties agree to the arrangement; it simply just two people who wants to get into each other pants.

He doesn't want a baby with a ONS, all he want was just want the purely physical sex. He lays it all out on the table and does what he says.. He make sure to take great precautions, do what he believes it needed to to prevent a pregnancy.
He wear a condom but he still careful to the point to make sure that before climax--he pull out with the condom still on, and finishes by hand help himself. He jerk it off into the condom after he already pull out.
He doesn't trust the ONS girls, and he probably doesn't even trust the condom because with condom on he still pull out, and jerk it off outside (he pull out, and then finish himself off in the condom all outside).
And he leave right after sex, go on with his life like nothing happened.. He doesn't stay the night, he doesn't call, doesn't keep in touch with those girls.
It was just the 'purely' physical sex where both parties--him and the ONS girl agree to that arrangement.

3) --- Anyways, then came his second relationship--this was the dead serious long term relationship that almost lead to marriage.. He loved her alot alot, she very important to him. And they know each others for a long long time.
He said he loved her alot. But personality wise, they have alot of difference. It didn't work out because of all the fighting and arguing, he said he just so sick and tired of it that he just can't do it anymore; so they broke up/part their ways.
He did admit he loved this ex-GF alot. After they broke up he stay single, he didn't date anyone until he met the woman that is now his wife.

4) --- His third relationship is the girl who is now his wife.. He busted his guts to be with her. Despite she always test his love and patience, he still there still love her unconditionally.
Met her, acquaintance with her, chase her hard. She wants to test his patience, so she only wants to be friends--they were friends for 2 years before he succesfully got her to be his GF. He waited for her.
Once she agree to be his GF. She make him wait another year before she sleep with him. He waited for her.
So from age 25 to 28 (3 years of his life he spend to win this girl love). Finally he succeeded. A year later at age 29, she agrees to married him.
He got married 14 months ago, he 30 now.

His wife have zero sexual experience. His wife was a virgin at the time she sleep with him.
Before she decided to take the relationship to the physical level, she asked him alot of questions about his sexual history. She asked him to look at her straight in the eyes and be completely honest with her about his sexual past partners.
And he very upfront and honest, he talk about his two relationships prior to her (the first love the girl from his High school, and the ex-GF).. And he honest with about the two ONS condom on sex that he had back in his college age days.

He dead serious about his two relationships. He explained to his wife that relationship is NOT the same as ONS.. In relationship, he invests alot of his emotions into it, just like he invests alot of his emotions into the relationship he have with her--his wife. He did said he loved and had feelings for the two ex-GF.
BUT compared to ONS, he doesn't have any feelings for those ONS girls; it was purely just the physical sex.. There was No feelings No emotions involved; he doesn't even know those ONS girls, he never loved them.
'One Night Stand' was just hook-ups arrangement: purely physical sex--condom on, and he'll leave right after sex; the girl agree to it.. Both parties agree to the arrangement; it simply just two people who wants to get into each other pants.

----------------------------------------------------------------
He always tell his wife that he believe in communication, honesty and respect.. He wants and needs complete honestly in relationship/marriage.
He said he doesn't want to build a marriage based on lies. He believes that a strong marriage needs to be based on complete honesty, where two people accept each others for who they are.. Knowing the good and the bad about each others, just lay it all out on the table and start build the relationship from there.
He thinks that a relationship start out from honestly since the begining, it will save you from alot of headache later on.. He hate drama and doesn't want any drama in his life.

He upfront and honest, he completely honest tell his wife everything; including everything about his sexual history. He answer every single questions his wife ask him, every single details she needs to know.
And why do his wife asked him about his sexual history? Because she a virgin. Before she let him take her virginity, she expect him to be honest with her about his sexual past.. Anyways, he brutally honest with her anyway.

He explained that love goes beyond the pureply physical sex ONS. Love is different.
Love to him is waiting, it the deep emotional bond, it have feelings for the girl, emotionally attach to the girl. It the sex with emotional attachment.
To him love is respect, honest, patience and understanding. He said when he loves a girl, he will always protect her. He will Never do anything to hurt her; emotionally, mentally, verbally or physically.. He will always respect her, and cherish her.

Now as a husband, how he treats his wife?
In the winter time; his wife hands and feet get freezing, like very very cold.. He know this, so he rubs his wife feet and hands; when we in bed--he always rubs her hands and rubs her feet.
Did tried turn on heater; but when the heater stays on, after a while I get bleeding nose.. He knows this so he doesn't want to leave the heater on, I guess because he doesn't want to see her nose bleeds. He keeps rubs his wife hands and feet to helps keep it stay warm.

His wife is not even pregnant yet and he already kiss her stomach. He said when his wife pregnant, he wants her to let him kiss her stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.
When he watching News; sometimes he lays his head on her lap, and he would kiss her chubby stomach. She giggles and tell him that there no baby in there yet.. But he said he likes to kiss her stomach, baby there or not.

He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so his wife can live a stable steady and comfy life.
He works 2 jobs (a full time job and a part time job). He get pays weekly on his full time job, and bi-weekly on his part time job. That six times a month he get pays. Every.single.time he gets pays he give his wife money, (six times a month he give her money).. He already secure everything for his wife; but he still want to give his wife money, to make sure she well taken care of.

He is a loving and devoted husband, he affectionate with his wife. He literally kiss her butt cheek. Yes, he kiss his wife butt cheek.
He work long hours perhaps he miss home.. Everytime he gets home from work, he always give his wife a kiss. The first thing he do when he get homes after a long day of work is give her a kiss.
No, it not a peck on the lips kind of kiss. But it the full lips to lips mouth to mouth kis. Start out as the Lingering deep kiss then gets to a French kiss; he kiss like he taste her type of kiss.
He happy to see his wife, he wants to come home to her, he glads to be home with her.

He very caring, he doesn't want his wife to carry heavy laundry. Eversince married, NEVER once he let his wife touch laundry or touch the bathroom. He cleans the bathroom, he do laundry.
He do laundry loads, washing and drying. And he sort and fold the clean clothes put it in the baskets, and carry it to the bedroom for his wife.
He said he just want his wife to put clothes in the drawers, and hang clothes up in the closet. And helps iron some clothes if needed.

All he wants is she cook him dinner, and be his wife. And he wants a baby with his wife.
He said he does Not want a baby with a ONS, does Not want a baby with a GF, does Not want a baby with any other woman.
He only want a baby with one woman, and that woman his wife.
He said he love her, he married her--she is his wife; if his wife doesn't give him a baby then who will? He said he will wait till his wife ready to give him his baby wish.

Anyways, there is more and more of loving and caring things that this guy do for his wife, I can go on and on but I think that is enough to get the point across that he is a loving, caring and devoted husband.
BUT.. his wife is so confuse, she can't seem to get over the two past ONS he had (a decade ago) way before he met her.
Please read the bold point in bracket above regarding the ONS, his wife feels uneasy and uncomfortable.
Due to the way he treats his ONS, his wife feel that he not capable of love any girl at all. Perhaps he doesn't even love her-his wife, she feels that he not capable of love any girl at all.

His wife just doesn't get it why he treats his past 2 ONS cold like that.
His wife feel uneasy and uncomfortable about his past two ONS. She feel that he not capable of love any girl at all, perhaps he not even capable of love her his wife--the girl the he married to.
His wife doesn't know how to put his past 2 ONS behind her. She can't seem to let it go, it bother her so much.
His wife feel that he not capable of love any girl, not even her--the girl he married to.

DropYourSword Fri 22-Apr-16 21:27:32

I think it would have helped if the OP had explained her background a little more here. I presume this is her DH she is talking about. From her previous posts I can see that English is her 3rd language. She comes from a different culture and does see things very differently. But I still think it's madness to reach the conclusions she has.

OP, you seem to be in actually quite a happy marriage. Don't let two one night stands from 10 years ago spoil things for you. He's really not done anything wrong.

Floggingmolly Fri 22-Apr-16 21:28:43

Oh sweet Jesus... hmm

InaMay Fri 22-Apr-16 21:33:30

Ok, you're the wife. You let an 'I' slip in there somewhere between the cold hands/feet and kissing your ass cheeks.

Really, OP. I have no idea what your problem is. He has a past, he was honest about it (to them and you). He was able to separate love and sex. As were they. They had no problem with it from what he says.

You are the only one with a problem. Seriously, get over it.

DropYourSword Fri 22-Apr-16 21:34:35

Due to the way he treats his ONS, his wife feel that he not capable of love any girl at all. Perhaps he doesn't even love her-his wife, she feels that he not capable of love any girl at all.

This is just not true. It's obvious from your posts he does love you. It's very very possible for both men and women to separate emotion from sex, and just enjoy a ONS.

CocktailQueen Fri 22-Apr-16 21:36:23

Oh, FFS. So he had one night stands. So what???? They were ten years ago! Look at his behaviour NOW to show you what sort of man he is.

You are completely overreacting and will drive him away if you're not careful.

Sootica Fri 22-Apr-16 21:38:02

You're thinking about his past far too much. This is not normal or necessary. I can't stress how too much. Do you have any other interests or hobbies? As I think you don't work and seemingly don't have to do any housework? You must be a bit bored and, overthinking things a lot.

What do I think about the things in bold? He had ONS and really really didn't want the girls to get pregnant. Sounds reasonable to me. You seem to have got a bit obsessed about the condom point.

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