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AIBU to be so upset by this?

(63 Posts)
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Fri 22-Apr-16 19:21:03

I feel hurt by my family's lack of interest in me.

I have a brother and a sister. My brother and his wife, I never see. For years I tried to have some sort of a relationship with them but they always made excuses to avoid me

They've always been like this, not speaking to me and not wanting to meet up with me. My two children both went through major surgeries and they didn't even bother to text to ask how they were.

My sister has some learning difficulties. Whenever my parents are away on holiday (which can be quite frequent now they're both retired), she relies heavily on me to help her out.

I'll get panicked phone calls at all times of the night and day where she will be hysterical about something that's gone wrong. I'll sort it out for her and have rung companies for her, helped her pay bills, and been there when she's lonely.
When my parents come back from their holidays she goes back to relying on them and I never see her until they're away again and she wants something.

I feel so unhappy about all this. I don't have any kind of relationship with either.

My parents worship the ground my brother walks on and always have. They will frequently drop everything to be there for him and his wife. They babysit at the drop of a hat, have sat in his house all day waiting for carpets to be delivered, have helped him and his wife decorate, move house etc.

I've never received this much support from them despite being a single parent.
If I phone my Mum she just seems desperate to get me off the phone.

She never pops in to see me and rarely sees my children in comparison to my brother's children.

My brother has even told them to stop going to see him on a weekend as he wants the time with his wife and her children and has told them he will only see them in the week.

My sister sees my parents every Sunday and they take her out for a meal.

I know it sounds so stupid as I'm a grown woman, but I feel completely unloved and unwanted by them and it hurts.

Spandexpants007 Fri 22-Apr-16 19:26:43

So who does value you? Can you concentrate on them instead? Lower your expectations of your family and see less of them

DeriArms Fri 22-Apr-16 19:27:00

Sorry to hear that OP, it sounds really hurtful.
Can you tell us a bit more, perhaps about what it was like when the three of you were little? How did this dynamic develop, do you think?

redexpat Fri 22-Apr-16 19:28:32

It's not stupid. I don't know many who wouldn't be upset by differential treatment.

Have you ever asked your parents outright when you need help?
Have you ever asked why they treat you differently?
Have you ever told them how you feel unloved?

Am reporting your post to get it moved to relationships.

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Fri 22-Apr-16 19:28:55

I have friends that do. I do see them a lot. I still feel hurt by my family's coldness towards me.

I think if I didn't make any effort with my family at all I probably wouldn't see or hear from them again! Barring my sister who would definitely call when she needed something.

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Fri 22-Apr-16 19:36:55

Deriarms When we were younger, I always perceived my brother as the favoured one! My friends did too and used to comment on it.

He could never do anything wrong.

There is a big age gap between me and my sister and I have always looked out for her and been there for her. Sometimes it would just be nice if she'd want to see me for me, not for what I can help her with.

I moved out of home at 17. My parents disapproved of everything I did and were never really there for me, plus my Dad was extremely strict and would shout all the time over the slightest thing. I moved to get away from all that.

redexpat I have told my parents outright when I need help. I tend to get excuses as to why they can't.

At the last family get together (over a year ago) neither my brother or his wife bothered to say hello to me and didn't look at or speak to me. I decided I'd had enough and that I'd stop bothering with them all together as it upset me too much to keep trying.

I told my Mum that I was going home and that I wouldn't be bothering with my brother or SIL again.

She has since said that they're both confused as to why I'm not speaking to them and think I'm just having a hissy fit. This upset me as she saw how they treated me and for her to just laugh it off with them as me being over dramatic pissed me off.

I didn't realise I'd posted in the wrong place, sorry!

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 22-Apr-16 19:37:36

Hi SeventyNineBottlesOfWine,

We can see you're getting some good support here, but we just wondered if you'd like us to move your thread over to our Relationships topic?

flowers

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 22-Apr-16 19:39:28

And don't worry, you haven't posted in the wrong place! It's just that the advice given in our Relationships topic tends to be a bit more sensitive than in AIBU (present company excepted, of course). smile

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Fri 22-Apr-16 19:41:36

Yes, please would you move it. Thanks.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 22-Apr-16 19:45:51

Thanks, we're moving it now. Hope you receive plenty more advice and support. flowers

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Fri 22-Apr-16 19:48:33

Thanks Dawn.

Babynamechange Fri 22-Apr-16 19:53:24

Hi.. So sorry you're going through this sad
You need to start valuing yourself for the lovely person you are and not entertain this kind if behaviour, however hard it might be.
Honestly I think you should try having absolutely nothing to do with them for a while and surround yourself with the people who care about you properly xx

Duckdeamon Fri 22-Apr-16 19:58:52

I'm sorry your family treat you so badly.

Have you taken a look at the Stately Homes threads on here? It sounds as though in your family your parents have been poor, and you were/ are the "scapegoat" and your brother the "golden child". Very unfair and damaging if so.

Agree with PPs that sadly it'd be best to seek/expect less from your family.

You might be able to, if you wish, improve things with your sister with LD if she's open to feedback solely about your relationship with her.

RaeSkywalker Fri 22-Apr-16 20:00:35

I didn't want to read and run OP, just wanted to say YANBU. It sounds like you've been marginalised for a long time. I'm glad that you have supportive friends and I hope that you can find the way forward that is best for you and your DC flowers

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Fri 22-Apr-16 20:19:21

I have thought before about just giving up on all of them and backing away. I keep hoping things will improve though.

I think it might be for the best if I did as I just get hurt by it all.

Even my oldest child notices that he doesn't see as much of his grandparents as his cousins.

I try to tell myself it's because I'm more self sufficient but really I think it's just that they don't want to see me.

BoatyMcBoat Fri 22-Apr-16 23:46:19

Go away next time your parents take a holiday. Your sister will have to call your brother and his wife for help. If they're too far away (or refuse), the your parents will have to arrange for other help for her.

If they have to manage without you then they'll find out how much you do, and maybe have a rethink.

crafter1957 Sat 23-Apr-16 00:03:29

flowers I feel for you Op. When my children were small if I asked my parents to babysit they would ask "why?" and "where are you going?" then usually said no. If any of my siblings asked for a babysitter the immediate answer was always "yes of course", no questions asked. I know it hurts.

Spandexpants007 Sat 23-Apr-16 04:09:10

Can your friends become your family?

Yes and go on holiday when your parents do.

WhingyNinja Sat 23-Apr-16 04:17:15

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, their behaviour must really hurt.

I agree with others who have suggested really reducing the time and effort spent with these people, you cannot choose your family unfortunately!

Are your family enriching your children's lives at all? If not I wouldn't bother with them at all, they're certainly not enriching yours.

WhingyNinja Sat 23-Apr-16 04:22:55

crafter that's awful sad I'm sorry.

My family causes nothing but stress for me, I have a 7mo DD and had to give my family an ultimatum just to get them to come and visit me for the first time in 2.5 years of living in this city, mainly to meet my daughter (their granddaughter/great niece!!) or else I am going NC.

They did visit a few weeks ago and haven't spoken to me since, hey ho! Can't change them or choose them! I have my own family consisting of friends and my DP and DD.

Duckdeamon Sat 23-Apr-16 07:02:10

Wow, some other posters have had bad treatment too! These family members behaving like that is terrible sadangry

If OP went away when her parents did (so couldn't help her sister out as she usually does) I somehow suspect she would be accused of "selfishness" and punished with words or actions.

OP, if they don't want to see you and be decent family members that is down to them, no reflection on you. They are idiots not to treat you well and appreciate you. It's very sad and unfair and you might benefit from some help in reflecting on it and deciding what level of contact (or not) to have with them. There are book recommendations on the Stately Homes thread for example.

Nannygrandma Sat 23-Apr-16 07:45:11

Your post is so sad i can feel your sadness in your words copy what your wrote here and send it to all of them let them know how sad you feel I want to give you a big fat mummy hug xx

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Sat 23-Apr-16 08:32:27

Boaty My sister never calls my brother as he never helps her. The last time she tried was when she split up from her partner who was financially abusing her.
She had no money and was an emotional wreck.
I let her live with me and paid off her outstanding rent and spent weeks ringing up companies and businesses that were chasing her for money as well as fielding abusive texts from her boyfriend and his friends.

My brother did nothing. All he said was that he was pleased she'd left him. Him and my SIL are very wealthy and could have easily helped her out financially, even if they didn't want to help emotionally. I, on the other hand have nothing.

My parents did say they were upset that my brother did nothing, but it was soon forgotten about.

Unfortunately I'm unable to go away each time my parents do as I work and don't have enough money to do so. They go away numerous times each year now they're retired.

They are away again at the end of this month and I'm now resolved to not help my sister out. I'm going to make sure I'm busy doing other things and am unavailable and like you say, perhaps they will see how much I do.

I'm sorry to hear of other people going through similar. It's a hurt like no other when your family seems to reject you.

Nannygrandma thank you. You're correct in what you say. I'm extremely hurt.

AntiqueSinger Sat 23-Apr-16 08:55:35

At this stage I'm sorry to say that I think there's very little you can do beyond talking to your parents and sister that will make this situation any better.

The unequal parenting was established decades ago and subsequently you have a family that isn't very close knit. It was your parents responsibility to raise their children in a way that promoted this, but by giving preferential treatment to your brother all these years, they've created a divided family. Your brother, receiving all the unconditional love is now clearly happy to keep the status quo.

I also wonder if the very fact that you're a single parent is part of what keeps them away. I have a friend in a similar situation to you but with more siblings, and it wasn't until she met a fairly well off man with lots of charisma that suddenly her family started showing her more affectionconfused. It was as if because she was now a 'couple' she was more interesting. Her family perceived her as less of a burden, and I guess a disappointment. She could now talk about the holidays they were going on, and the house they were buying. She was a single parent of 3 for 8 years before meeting her guy and perceived as needy I suppose. Beats me.

I would suggest working on acquiring more friends. Plenty of people I know say their friends are better than their flesh and blood family. Any remote cousins, uncles, aunties? Try reaching out to them.

Sorry you're experiencing this. It's very shitty.flowers

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Sat 23-Apr-16 10:49:56

I tried bringing it up with them last year of how unequal I feel it's all been. My mother vehemently denied it and then started saying "OH well, we're just terrible parents aren't we?"

There was no discussion, no resolution. I could hear my Dad in the background saying "Tell her to shut up or we'll have nothing to do with her again!"

Unsurprisingly I've not said a thing since.

I don't think it will be the fact I'm a single parent that keeps them away as when I've been in a relationship they still don't bother.

I'm lucky in that I do have a good group of friends who are hugely supportive of me. I still feel an acute sense of loss however.

I think I will just have to try to come to terms with it all and stop putting the effort in anymore. It only ends up in more upset whenever I do and it's not reciprocated.

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