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I cannot like my daughter's boyfriend

(12 Posts)
LiFoS48 Fri 22-Apr-16 17:58:42

My daughter is 26 and for various reasons I cannot take to her boyfriend.
He has shown characteristics that show him to be selfish, thoughtless, little personality, and everything I say in conversation he's done it or knows someone who has:/He seems quite dead in personality too.
My daughter has told me on numerous occasions the type of guy she wanted and the qualities he should have. This guy seems the opposite. My husband and I feel the same about him and we both feel he is not right for her, she also seems to have changed.
We have aired are opinion because of things she has told us but she takes no notice. We keep out of it and let her get on with it, but something niggles me about him.
Any advice would be appreviated.

AndersArms Fri 22-Apr-16 18:03:16

In the nicest way - stay out of it. It's not about what you think. He doesn't have to be your cup of tea. I think if you 'air your views' much more you risk a falling out with your DD.

Pinkheart5915 Fri 22-Apr-16 18:09:48

She is 26 so will date who she wants, and there isn't a thing you can do about it.
As parents all you can do is air an opinion and then leave it, like you have.

TheNaze73 Fri 22-Apr-16 18:10:31

To ignore her & leave them alone would be mine. We all have an idea of the people we want ideally & like a bolt from the blue, the polar opposite can knock us off our feet. At 26, this isn't a schoolgirl crush

usual Fri 22-Apr-16 18:12:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyBtothree Fri 22-Apr-16 18:13:04

I tend to agree, you dont have to like him and would only air your opinion on him if your daughter asks. My mum & dad felt exactly the same about my dh and we have now been married for 13yr with three children. My parents were so difficult, it absolutely destroyed my relationship with them and I haven't spoken to them for 6 years because of it all. Dont lose your daughter over this, trust her judgement because you are criticising her as well as him.

blueberrypie0112 Fri 22-Apr-16 18:14:25

I would stay out of it too.You could destroy your relationship with her because she probably want the person she is in love with or married to to feel he is part of her and this means part of her family and if you
Make him feel rejected or not included, she is going to back him up and side with him.

Unless you have a very good reason to tell him be is not welcome .

MummyBtothree Fri 22-Apr-16 18:21:54

Just to add to that...the man I was with previously who my mother thought was mr wonderful, who could do no wrong & ticked all the boxes, turned out to be a complete b*****d, lied, cheated on me and left me when I was pregnant with my eldest. How wrong she was...

LiFoS48 Fri 22-Apr-16 19:36:53

Thanks so much for all your comments and at least I am reassured that I am dealing with things right.
I do have valid reasons one being he lies something I cannot stand. Also not giving my daughter consideration. I accept its her relationship and none of my business, we don't row over it she knows our feelings as does he and they accept that.
I guess I just wanted some views from others so thankssmile

OzzieFem Fri 22-Apr-16 19:49:08

The problem is some young women have the mistaken idea that they "can change" their boyfriend into someone that matches their ideal. A nice fantasy, but totally unrealistic. Whatever you say will not make any difference, in fact it might make your daughter more determined to prove you wrong!

My gran warned my mother about marrying my father, my sister and I warned her daughter. Both sadly regretted their choice and ended up not only disillusioned but financially poorer.

LiFoS48 Fri 22-Apr-16 21:21:04

You are so right OzzieFem So many women think they can change a man to their ideal or just settle for what they are given.....usually if they think that's all they are worth.
My story is very complicated but she is actually my grandaughter whom I have raised and I have two daughters who made dreadful mistakes in the past and both financially suffered for there stupidity. I only found out all what had gone on after both of their break ups.
My granddaughter sadly maybe making a mistake but it is here life, none of us want to see our kids hurt.
She also has an inheritance to come and that's another thing, I hope she has not told him.
I can look back and remember one time my mum said to me don't get married its too soon. If only I had listened, it would have saved me so much heart ache and physical and mental abuse.

springydaffs Fri 22-Apr-16 21:41:27

You say in your op you're keeping out of it.. cue posts saying 'keep out of it' hmm

You're worried and for good reason by the sound of it. It sounds like she's falling in with the family pattern, which is something I dread for my kids.

The best thing you can do is get as informed about domestic abuse /coercive control as possible. We may think we know all about it bcs we have experienced it but the info out there really does open our eyes to patterns - both in the abuser and the victim.

To that end, do sign up to the Freedom Programme, either online or go along to the groups (I am a fan of attending the groups as there's something about RL that gets the message home somehow). Also all and every book by Lundy Bancroft, especially 'why Does He Do That?'

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