Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help - head all over the place...

(11 Posts)
PloddingAlong123 Fri 22-Apr-16 14:30:17


Firstly I apologise for this being my first post and for it to be so desperate.

I'm in real need of advice of those who have had anything like I have before.

The background is that I want to leave my husband but we have three children (one of which is biologically his and two from my previous marriage). I have moved to the other end of the country to support him in his job and as such I have been unable to find work which I could commit to which works around his job. He works very odd hours and is away a lot, sometimes for long periods of time. I did try working from home in the evenings but I was exhausted being mum all day and then hurrying my kids into bed so I could work - sometimes until midnight. I tried hard but it was too much.

I live so far away from home that I'm uncertain how I'd even manage to get a house on my own back there. I'd need to get a job first but not sure how I'd manage that with being so far away. Also my parents are the only thing 'back home' and they are considering moving away from the area so I am unsure as to what I'd be going back for.

I can't afford to rent here, despite that possibly being the best idea as the children have schools here and like the area.

The other problem is that I have a fixed term bond with some inheritance in it. I've been informed that under no circumstances can I have access to the money until it matures in 2 years. I would rather use that money to help me get started alone but I can't access it and it says on the benefits calculator that if you have over 6k in savings (which it is) I can't claim.

I feel very trapped and far away from any kind of resolution.

I have tried many times over the last few years to make this work. There are very difficult circumstances with regards to our marriage. He isn't violent but he does withdraw emotionally which I find hard to deal with. He is very sexual and I'm sorry to say that I haven't found him sexually attractive for some time. Maybe even years.

We had a row the night before my sister's wedding nearly two years ago and she asked me then if I was happy. I had to lie and say yes - I was not about to bring this problem to her on the eve of her special day.

My family don't like him. He is often mean to my eldest children which I cannot stand and it is awful when he's mean in front of my family on the rare occasions we get to see them.

He has told me that there's no way we are ending this marriage. It's a firm NO. This scares me. I'm worried what will happen - surely this should be my decision?


AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-Apr-16 14:42:57

Its not his decision at all if you have decided to end this marriage; he is not your owner or keeper after all. Ignore such comments from him and plough on with your own plans to leave this marriage. He saying no is just another tactic to try and scare you off and further control you. Quite apart from that, he is also a crap example of a stepfather to your eldest children.

Have you as yet sought legal advice re divorcing him?. It may be that you will be able to stay in your current home with your children. If anyone moves out it will likely be him; after all he seems to be not there most of the time in any case.

May I ask what part of the country you are now in; are you in Scotland or England. I ask only as legal advice will reflect on what part of the UK you are now living in. Use also the support of your family and friends, they will hopefully help you. You do not have to lie or cover for him any more.

Who advised you that you cannot take out the funds in the bond account until maturity; was it the company themselves who have it for you?.

I would also suggest that you at some point enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this could help you. This is also because men like your H take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. It is likely only when you are free of him will you realise the whole extent of his control over both you and your children.

PloddingAlong123 Fri 22-Apr-16 14:53:13

Hi there Attila - thanks for replying.

I'm so surprised to see the word control in there. I hadn't realised that's where we were at.

No I spoke to the Citizens Advice Bureau today but they can't help me much without actually going in and making an appointment so it'll be next week now. We're in housing that comes with his job so unfortunately if I leave him I also have to leave the house. I think there's a few months leeway but that's about it.

We're in the south of England. I've opened up to my parents before and I think they are worried I'll descend on them with my children and take over their house! Although I do think Mum would go and view rental properties on my behalf and be guarantor for me which she's done in the past.

I checked on the building society's web site this morning under the terms and conditions for the account.

I don't think I will recover from this tbh. I'm not even being over dramatic. I am used to being in control over my life and these past years while we've been together / married I have felt completely out of control due to his way of life.


Divathecat Fri 22-Apr-16 14:59:51

if children are in school why not get a job and childcare where you are now? then make a plan to rent somewhere on your own with the kids? He will need to provide maintenance for his own child, are you getting maintenance from your older childrens father?

PloddingAlong123 Fri 22-Apr-16 15:08:08

Hi Diva

I'm worried that I won't be able to afford rent on a house here. A 3 bedroomed house is around £800 a month and I'm not sure I could cover that and raising the children. I could get a 2 bed and find a second hand fold out sofa for the lounge maybe. Yes I receive some money for the older 2. My ex is ok with that - sometimes needs a reminder but we've never fallen out about it. I'd say I can rely on it.

Having got a friend going through something similar (although her situation has been going on near 2 years now which worries me) I know that landlords won't accept anyone in receipt of benefits apart from some private landlords which are like gold dust to find. She's days away from being classed as homeless. Plus I need longer job history to pass credit checks for renting.

That's even if I can receive benefits due to the locked up inheritance I spoke about. As you can see - I feel very trapped.


PloddingAlong123 Fri 22-Apr-16 15:10:07

I guess my mum could just as easily guarantor down here as back home which would negate the need for a long job history.


PloddingAlong123 Fri 22-Apr-16 15:11:13

Also I must say that where I live now I get no support whatsoever.

I would need to heavily rely on my family for extra childcare out of school so I could work full time.


Divathecat Sun 01-May-16 13:40:49

How you doing op?

PloddingAlong123 Sat 13-Aug-16 19:04:48

Just to say ... after a few months of really trying and a relocation due to his job...

I'm back at square bloody one.

All of the above still stands and i really cannot yake it anymore.

My eldest told her nana she wants to leave home as soon as she's 16 and although very loyal to me and wouldn't want to say anything out of turn, it's been insinuated that it's because of my husband.

I can't keep coming back to this place!!


bluecashmere Sat 13-Aug-16 20:53:57

I am not an expert on this but believe that if you were able to find a job during school hours you would be entitled to tax credits once you're not living with him even with your savings, and he would certainly have to pay maintenance for your youngest.

You need to get some proper advice on this. Did you ever see CAB?

It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety too. Can you see your GP for this?

Once you take the first few steps you will see it's not quite the mountain to climb that it seems at the moment.

Joysmum Sun 14-Aug-16 08:46:59

Right, it's time to start thinking about what you CAN do, rather than what you can't.

Start making lists. See what you're entitled to, find out your legal position, sound out your family to see what they can do to help.

Make an exit plan for when you are ready to leave, at least then you'll feel better about doing something to give you control and you'll have some choices. flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now