Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Quick question about kids contact situation...

(11 Posts)
Sammysamread34 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:57:44

Just trying to figure out if I am, in fact, being unreasonable. ...
I've posted a longer version on divorced/separated chat too for some advise.

To those who have residency of their children....when the children stay at his for the weekends (alternate in my case, and half the holidays) you supply clothes etc, which then get returned washed or otherwise (unwashed in my case?) ?
Now he also doesn't pay any maintenance....he's still claiming esa and now he has them for equivalent of one day a week the £7 per week (I never got) was slashed to £0 contribution towards his 3 children. So....having to had gone onto benefits myself, for first time ever as my lo has not started nursery ft yet...the clothes I have are minimal, but he insists on me packing everything they need, clothes, shoes, pj's, coats...which all come back dirty or he says he'll wash them and drop them to me and never does...saying well they may as well stay here now for next time....which leaves me short! But he says I'm being difficult and trying to get at him when I've told him he needs to sort a couple of cheap bits of clothes that he has there for them.

howtodowills Fri 22-Apr-16 13:10:19

My ex has clothes for our DS at his. I pack football boots / trainers as I don't see the point in him spending money on them when DS has them and it's simple to pack.

We have a full set of everything for DSDs here as their mum won't send anything.

You are not being unreasonable.

Claraoswald36 Fri 22-Apr-16 13:13:08

Don't send anything it's too stressful. He is an adult he can kit them out.

Sammysamread34 Fri 22-Apr-16 13:44:16

Thanks. Yes obviously I send the cricket stuff etc for when they're playing or training...but he is kicking off that I should send them with all the basics....which I think is unreasonable as I simply don't have spare! So I just wanted to know if it was me, as he's so adamant that I'm doing I t to be awkward, so thought I'd check for some outside opinions. ..
Thankyou smile

goddessofsmallthings Fri 22-Apr-16 15:00:53


Tell him that his parental reponsibility to his dc extends to clothing them when they're staying with him.

Send the dc in the clothes they stand up in with a spare pair of oldunderpants/knickers for the following day. If he can't bestir himself to kit them out with a few outfits that can stay at his place, he can wash and dry their one set of clothes overnight.

What is it with these men? Self-entitlement or lack of imagination? Either way, let him experience feeding and clothing 3 dc on a shoe-string.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Fri 22-Apr-16 15:14:59

"If he can't bistir himself to kit them out"

The bloke's on ESA so likely has nothing to spare to clothe his kids. But then, the OP hasn't got the resources to buy clothing which stays at his place either.

OP: send them with the clothes they stand up in and spare underwear. If he won't or can't contribute he can hardly expect you to supply duplicates on your budget.

He might be skint but that doesn't stop him being an arse at the same time.

Fourormore Fri 22-Apr-16 15:22:10

To be fair, if he's on ESA and obviously not getting child benefit or tax credits then he may well be struggling and kitting kids out for one overnight seems a bit odd (surely they arrive at his in your clothes and are sent back to you the next day in your clothes?).

He does need to send them back though. If he's not sending them back then I'd say you're not being unreasonable.

howtodowills Fri 22-Apr-16 16:30:40

Sorry - miSsd the part about him literally not having the money to clothe them.

If that's the case why can't you tell him you'll send a spare pair as long as he returns everything washed when you collect them. This seems fair on everyone. If he won't wash them then he can sort himself out. Ebay / charity shops / asda all do cheap clothes or he may be able to get hand me downs from a friend.

How old are the DCs?

Sammysamread34 Fri 22-Apr-16 17:19:34

Ds's are 8 and 9 dd is 2.5.....he works well actually he volunteers in a charity shop 3-5 days a week. ..has been there for over 2 yrs (with a little break inbetween). Aptly, it's the children's trust. .he is very friendly with the boss and could easily have put a lot aside at least by now. he gets discount!
I'm just getting to the end of my tether with it all. ..he just won't be reasoned with sad

goddessofsmallthings Fri 22-Apr-16 21:10:47

If he's working in a charity shop he's got no excuse whatsoever for failing to priovide clothing for the dc when they spend weekends and holidays with him, and they shouldn't be short of toys when they're at his house.

Don't bother to try reasoning with him and simply send the dc in the clothes they stand up in plus a change of underwear for the following day.

If he complains raise an eyebrow, hand him a list showing each dc's measurements/clothes sizes and the amount and type of clothing including nightwear each of them need for a week's stay depending on the time of year, and don't engage with him any further on this particular topic.

As you'll have a hard time financially kitting your dc out as they rapidly grow, I suggest you get pally with his boss or at least visit the charity shop he works in on a regular basis to search for bargains.


hurtandconfued2016 Fri 22-Apr-16 22:16:41

My ex has our son one night a week and I supply everything. Change of clothes, clothes for the next day and pj's.
At one point I was providing nappies but my ex has a good paying job whilst I am on mat leave with our daughter so I stopped that.
Sinc either have the clothes I send our son in come home absolutely bogging he doesn't provide anything for the kids and doesn't pay maintenance either it's very frustrating

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now