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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

aargh

45 replies

lousylear · 22/04/2016 06:16

Told hubby last night I want to leave. He says he won't let me. I wanted to divorce. He says I can't because he won't accept unreasonable behaviour as it's me as well not just him. He says he loves me, I'm stunning and he wants me to stay. He also says he wants the kids as he doesn't want to be a part time dad.
Me? I have had 8 yrs of emotional abuse, no physical contact. I don't love him, haven't for ages. I've been wanting to leave for ages. Finally plucked up courage 6 weeks ago and been getting ducks in a row ever since. Looking at a house this morning. Was so happy and excited to be moving on. Now what?

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BearGryllsHasaBigRope · 22/04/2016 06:18

He doesn't get to decide whether you can leave or not. Go and look at your house, keep getting your ducks in a row. You don't have to spend your life with someone you don't want to be with.

LifeIsChaos · 22/04/2016 06:19

He can't stop you from leaving.

Have you got some where to go? Are you OK finance wise?

If so, just leave and see your solicitor.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 22/04/2016 06:22

Now what? Now you carry on! He doesn't get to decide whether you are allowed to divorce him. Legal advice, file for divorce, ignore him.

Chlobee87 · 22/04/2016 06:31

Sorry you're going through this lousy

First off, he can't stop you from leaving. That's your choice. He also can't stop you divorcing him, although I don't know the specifics of how divorce works so not sure about the unreasonable behaviour bit - someone with experience will be able to help you with that.

Ditto with the children - I don't know a lot about this but, if you are their primary carer, I believe it's highly unlikely that you would not get main custody. The arrangements are there for the children's benefit so it's not a case of him saying he "wants the kids" and just getting them. They will stay with their primary carer (unless that person can be proven unfit to care for them) and the other partner will have access as per the agreement put in place, for example two evenings a week plus every other weekend or whatever. Again, this is my understanding. Someone who knows better will be along to help I'm sure.

I do find it very strange that part of his 'begging you to stay' bit was to call you "stunning". I'm sure you are, but it's an odd thing to place importance on when your wife is leaving you and you're cut up about it.

You've been really brave and in many ways the hard part is over. Don't let him get in your head and stop you now because to be honest he's talking nonsense. You've done well! Get some proper legal advice and stick to your guns.

DoreenLethal · 22/04/2016 06:36

Ignore him, keep on with your plan and if he starts to get nasty pick up the phone and call the police. And move out as soon as possible.

He is going to say these things, just remember he is an abuser and abusers abuse. Everything he says is designed to control or hurt you.

Standalittletaller · 22/04/2016 06:47

Have you had legal advice yet? Are you planning to take the children with you? Do you own the house?

I would make sure you have seen a solicitor before you leave the family home especially if you are planning to leave the dc or if you might want to live in the family home at a later date.

I would have a plan for how it might work for you both eg 50:50 with the kids, split the equity in the home, whatever. Everyone's case is different which is why it's important you have had advice.

As for the unreasonable behaviour, that would be up to you. It's not about blame but there is a reason for the end of your marriage. In your case that would seem obvious ie no physical relationship for years and you can give examples of the emotional abuse.

I wouldn't bother discussing it with him further. It is your decision.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/04/2016 07:02

He doesn't control you, he may like to think he does, but he doesn't. If you want to leave, leave. He also doesn't control the law or the courts, and will have to abide by them the way everyone else has to - he's not special, in fact he sounds the exact opposite

Keep on with your plans and stay strong

lousylear · 22/04/2016 07:14

Thanks everyone. You have echoed my thoughts. I have had 30 min free consultation. If he counteracts divorce by doing me for unreasonable behaviour too all that happens is we pay the solicitors a load more money. I assumed we would talk to kids about what they want. I am flexible. I have offered him every wknd, half sch hols and every Christmas. Or 7 days on 7 days off. Or first option plus wed nights. It's tricky for him during wk as Breakfast club at sch opens too late for him to get to work.
I have been SAHM for 12 yrs. recently back at work as pt teacher. Tax credits will kick in when I leave. So yes I can afford to leave. I have worked out all the costings.

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ArmfulOfRoses · 22/04/2016 07:32

Good for you, then just keep going.
You may find it easier to play the game while you're still there though and just leave while he's at work

springydaffs · 22/04/2016 07:34

Why have you offered him every Christmas??

lousylear · 22/04/2016 07:40

Because my family are crap and don't really do Christmas. My children will have a much nicer Christmas with him and his sister; she loves Christmas and always makes it special for them. Because unlike him I put my kids' happiness above everything else.

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springydaffs · 22/04/2016 08:13

Aw I'm sorry to hear that op. I also have a crap family but managed to make Christmas with just me and the kids very special.

ArmfulOfRoses · 22/04/2016 08:38

You can do your own Christmas, your own traditions to be enjoyed and passed down.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/04/2016 08:42

He says I can't because he won't accept unreasonable behaviour as it's me as well not just him.

Now this is one I do have experience of. The point of the divorce petition is to demonstrate to the court that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. Unreasonable only has to mean behaviours that you, personally, can't live with and a court won't be too fussy as to what those are - I know someone whose petition included that the partner was too tidy! Just make sure the examples are recent and preferably ongoing. Proving you are unreasonable too, as XH tried to do, just reinforces the message that you are not happy together. Courts are pretty busy and don't have time to dig into the whys and wherefores over a week's trial like Perry Mason or something. The financial settlement won't depend on how strong the grounds for divorce are, it'll be about the relative needs of the parties, with any dependent children's needs very much the priority. That's the bit that takes time, effort and angst. Your soon-to-be-ex should realise that the harder he fights the less will be left in the pot at the end of the day - it won't stop the inevitable.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2016 09:09

If you have been primary carer he will not get full custody so ignore that shite.
If you are happy with 50:50 and he is too then this is the starting point with the courts.
He won't want the DC full time. You know that and so does he.
I hope the house today is what you want and you can get away.
If you are happy with your solicitor and can afford it then keep going.
You could contact Womens Aid and ask them for local solicitors who deal with abusive assholes for divorce. They will have numbers and these people will be expert in dealing with your dick of a STBXH.
You're doing great.
Ignore his bullshit and keep going.

Morasssassafras · 22/04/2016 09:11

Over 8 years of emotional abuse you will definitely have the 5(ish) examples of his unreasonable behaviour. The judge gets to decide if they are unreasonable not him, and the judge has no reason to keep you married to a man you don't want to be married to. Carry on with your plans it'll be fine.

You might want to contact your local domestic abuse service for advice on a local solicitor who has experience in domestic abuse cases.

springydaffs · 22/04/2016 09:20

Local Womens Aid

lousylear · 22/04/2016 10:07

Yes. Thanks everyone. You're ALL saying what I said to him. He doesn't listen to me though. He's got it in his head that if I do unreasonable behaviour then it will come out that he is to blame when he thinks we both are. I told him it will just end up costing more. He says he's going to a solicitor. I'm really hoping that they tell him this too.

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Anniegetyourgun · 22/04/2016 22:19

Is it worth offering to him that he can divorce you instead, citing whatever he jolly well likes and you won't contest it? (Tried that with XH, he wasn't buying.) It can be all your fault, doesn't matter. "It will all come out" to whom, anyway? It's not likely to be splashed on the front page of the tabloids unless one of you is famous or something. Basically he's just quibbling. Annoying man, no wonder you want out.

lousylear · 22/04/2016 23:41

Yes annoying he is! Grumpy, lazy, arrogant, selfish. I could go on. He has been very quiet this eve. Been nice to me and kids. Asked me about house I looked at this am. Too little too late. Then he asked if we could go on a date!! Seriously? He asked why not. So I had to tell him. Don't you have to fancy someone to go on a date?

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hellsbellsmelons · 23/04/2016 00:07

Well this is what happens with abusers. They feel they are loosing their grip so they turn on the charm! Pleased to see you are standing firm.
Keep going. You are awesome!

lousylear · 24/04/2016 21:15

He's moved onto being sad now. Bloody hard work now. Making me feel guilty. Keeps asking me if we can be friends. I know I have to leave as I can't live like this but it's hard. Going to be another long week.

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magoria · 24/04/2016 21:34

If he does try and divorce you for unreasonable behaviour. Just state you don't agree with the reasons but you will accept them and get the ball rolling.

No fuss, no fight.

It doesn't make a difference as to who is entitled to what.

lousylear · 24/04/2016 21:52

He doesn't want a divorce at all - I do. He wants 2 yr separation.

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springydaffs · 25/04/2016 00:16

He doesn't want a divorce because he's putting off divvying up the funds?

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