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Really upset over DP saying he just proposed to keep me happy.

(40 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 21-Apr-16 23:29:03

Been engaged a few months. I am still going through the process of getting divorced although its nearly finalised and DP doesn't want to discuss wedding stuff until after this is done. Fair enough. We haven't booked anything or set a date.

We were having a conversation the other day and got around to 'wedding talk' and DP quite casually mentioned that he isn't really fussed about getting married at all. He sees the whole thing as an unimportant bit of paper and, quite frankly, a big waste of money.

When I asked him why on earth he proposed in that case, he said it was so he could keep me, as he (correctly) thought that I might not stay with him if I knew he didn't really want to get married. So he asked to make me happy. Now, while I appriciate that he wants to keep me happy (sort of), am I right in thinking he has spectacularly missed the point?

Getting married is really important to me. It's not just a ring on a finger or a piece of paper to me. I suspect some of this is due to me being raised religious although I wouldn't consider myself to be now, but I just think that getting married is the ultimate sign of commitment and 'togetherness'. I don't want to be someone's girlfriend for my whole life.

The whole conversation really upset me and tbh its making me question everything. I'm not going to marry someone who doesn't really want to do it and is just going through the motions to keep me quiet. I'm not going to pressure or force him, or beg him to change his mind. I want to know that if, one day, we end up saying those vows to each other, it is because he truly wants me to be his wife and not just because he's doing it to make me happy, but because doing so would make him happy.

I don't want to get married now. Not at the moment. Not until he is ready and commited to it. But now I'm wondering if I should be considering marriage at all to someone who so obviously has different feelings to me on the subject.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 21-Apr-16 23:31:31

Sorry, no idea why it posted three times! I've reported the copies smile

onehellofaride Thu 21-Apr-16 23:36:33

Sometimes the biggest demonstration of commitment is doing something because you know that it's what the other wants.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 21-Apr-16 23:39:26

Yes I suppose that is one way of looking at it ride. I just want him to want it too. I don't want him to feel like he is being forced to do something he doesn't want to do.

ExitPursuedByABear Thu 21-Apr-16 23:39:40

Without being harsh , you are already married. So it can't be that important to you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 21-Apr-16 23:46:23

Thing is... He can't win.

If he didn't want to marry you and wouldn't, you'd split or he'd lead you on. That doesn't work for anyone.

He can't make marriage more important to himself. He can't make himself keen to marry you. All he can do is be excited about it because it makes you happy - and he's done that, he's willing to do it because you want to and he wants to make you happy.

If you want someone who genuinely wants to marry you of their own accord, he isn't right for you in the end. He can't meet that criteria. It's not him.

Being really frank, I think there's a good chance that he wouldn't have got involved with you whilst you're still married if it was of high importance to him. It's probably a good thing that he's not overly invested in marriage as a concept because it means you're current marriage, and the fact that you've been married before, isn't an issue for him.

I'm presuming he hasn't been married before, because that's a different situation - I'd struggle more with that because he did, at some point, want to marry someone else.

I'd give yourself time to think about this but remember that if there's no realistic way for him to do the right thing, you're doomed.

onehellofaride Thu 21-Apr-16 23:47:59

Him not wanting to do it is completely different to him not being bothered about doing it though. If he didn't want to then he wouldn't have proposed at all. He obviously loves you enough to want to keep you and to go through with marrying you.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 21-Apr-16 23:49:24

That is a bit harsh. It was very important to me the first time, we got married in a church and I took my vows very seriously. Its just a shame he didn't and I wasn't willing to spend my whole life or my children's lives with an abusive drug addict.

My DF is a religious man and my DM is his second wife (of 30+ years) because he wasn't prepared to put up with his ExW cheating on him with multiple partners. Marriage was, and is, very important to him too.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 21-Apr-16 23:51:19

^Sorry that was in reference to Exit's post

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 21-Apr-16 23:55:57

I can't see what he's done wrong. I think he's being completely loving by going through something that doesn't really matter to him simply because you really do matter to him.

So many threads on here from unhappy women saying their dp won't marry them because they're not bothered about marriage. As a Pp said its not his fault that the concept isn't important to him.

If you don't like him as he is then leave him so he can find someone who loves him for him.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 21-Apr-16 23:56:02

He can't win.

He doesn't think it's important, but he knows it is to you, so he's doing it. If it was down to him he wouldn't bother, but it's not, it's down to you because he knows you'd split up if he didn't get married to you. If he didn't love you or want to be with you he'd say no. You can't make him feel marriage is important if he doesn't.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 22-Apr-16 00:04:22

You make some good points.

In fairness to him he is still quite young (younger than me) and has not had a good relationship history. He was with his ex for years but he only stayed with her for so long because they had a child and he felt he had to for the dc's sake but it was very unhappy and disfunctional they were constantly on/off again. Every other relationship he has had has been very casual or short lived. I am the only stable, happy, long term relationship he has had so part of me thinks he just doesn't know how to fully commit to someone as he hasn't had to do it before.

I wonder if he thinks that getting married will change things between us, that he will somehow lose his freedom or something.

We only got involved with each other after exh and I had separated so afaiwc the marriage was over and in name only, and DP felt the same way.

I kind of feel like he proposed as a spur of the moment thing that he never really intended to go through with, as if he thought that 'being engaged' would keep me happy enough that years would go by and eventually I would just forget about it altogether.

plainjanine Fri 22-Apr-16 11:11:00

I think he has done something wrong, and he's told you what it is: he proposed despite not wanting to marry you. He knows how you feel, so rather than lose you he told you what you wanted to hear. That is selfish and deceitful. He should have had a proper conversation with you about the future, not fed some bullshit to keep you quiet.

I can see why you're upset about it.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 22-Apr-16 11:24:04

I am still going through the process of getting divorced
But you then say getting married is the ultimate sign of commitment and 'togetherness'
HOW?
You are getting divorced so marriage clearly isn't a lifelong commitment.
None of this makes sense to me - sorry.

NewStartNewName Fri 22-Apr-16 11:28:40

My DH was never fussed on getting married, he knew I wanted to so we did. We had a small wedding as I didn't want the whole show anyway, just wanted to make things secure. He's been honest with you - better that than lying. Marriage just isn't a big deal to some people.

liletsthepink Fri 22-Apr-16 11:31:10

I can't see what he's done wrong. He knows that you want to get married so, despite the fact that he isn't bothered about marriage, he has proposed in order to make you happy. He cares about you enough to get married because it's important to you. He's willing to wait until your divorce comes through and be with you and support you in the meantime.

What's the problem?

mouldycheesefan Fri 22-Apr-16 11:33:40

You are already married.

IrianofWay Fri 22-Apr-16 11:37:28

"Sometimes the biggest demonstration of commitment is doing something because you know that it's what the other wants."

Quite.

Marriage simply isn't a big thing for some people - TBH it wasn't for me - we did it because it was the next step and we had been together forever. But once we WERE married it began to mean a great deal more and it gains more and more significance as the years go by.

He wants to be with you. That is what matters.

You can't control what your partner wants/does/thinks. You can only control what you do. Do you want to be married? Do you love him? If so stop questioning his motivation and accept the big commitment he has made to you and your happiness.

t1mum Fri 22-Apr-16 11:40:40

To the posters saying that the OP is already married - she's described that her previous marriage was abusive. I suspect that she is already aware that marriage is no guarantee, but if things can go wrong EVEN with that level of commitment then it's understandable that she wants AT LEAST that commitment.

OP - I think you need to chat to your DP about whether he is happy to be married or whether he is going to feel compromised by it. Would you consider staying in a relationship with him if you weren't married? He sounds like he loves you and respects your views on marriage so it happy to do something he is generally neutral about because it is important to you. That's actually really lovely. But if you have deep seated concerns that you are getting him to do something he doesn't want to do then discuss it! I don't think you can expect him to get excited about an institution he doesn't have strong feelings about, although I expect he will get excited about making you happy iyswim.

Kidnapped Fri 22-Apr-16 11:47:31

If he really is not fussed about marriage and only wants to be married to keep you happy, then I don't see what's really wrong with that. I would take keen notice of the "waste of money" sentiment that he has expressed though. Even if you want a bells and whistles expensive do, then I do feel that you should compromise with him on this (as he has compromised with marrying you even though the marriage bit is unimportant to him). You can get married very cheaply - church and then village hall type of thing, but still make it very lovely and personal to both of you.

Marriage isn't important to me. Been with DP 26 years. It is not a moral failing to be unmarried.

0dfod Fri 22-Apr-16 12:15:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mouldycheesefan Fri 22-Apr-16 12:18:47

Seriously, you can't get engaged to one person whilst you are married to another it's bonkers and shabby

Dellarobia Fri 22-Apr-16 12:25:43

Sometimes I read a thread on here by a woman whose partner won't propose because he doesn't believe in marriage and I feel really angry. If it's important to her then that should be his reason for proposing! Why should he get to make the final decision?

So in your case I think he's doing the right thing. It's fine for him to not have a strong belief in marriage - he's doing this for you, because he knows marriage is important to you.

BirthdayBetty Fri 22-Apr-16 12:38:45

I agree with mouldy, crazy.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 22-Apr-16 13:05:43

I think he has done something wrong, and he's told you what it is: he proposed despite not wanting to marry you. He knows how you feel, so rather than lose you he told you what you wanted to hear. That is selfish and deceitful. He should have had a proper conversation with you about the future, not fed some bullshit to keep you quiet - I agree.

Obviously if he doesn't feel strongly about it I can't make it important to him. I do appriciate that he has indicated his agreement to go along with it in order to keep me happy but I just suppose that it isn't what you picture when when you agree to marry someone - you would normally want both people to be happy, excited etc rather than one being so and the other just passively going along with everything for an easy life.

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