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Am I thinking about thinking about leaving?

(8 Posts)
ilovelamp2 Thu 21-Apr-16 20:20:59

I'm finding myself wondering what it would be like to leave my husband. Not actually thinking about it but exactly but wondering what it would be like to actually think about it fully. Not sure this makes sense to anyone but me....

Can't talk to anyone in RL about this as everything seems fine but really I feel:

Sad at his lack of ambition for himself
On edge that we are only ever minutes away from him losing his temper
Tired of his grumpiness
Happier alone, with DD or at work
Worried about what message this is all sending to our DD, aged 5
Sad that this is it now
Annoyed with myself for not realising this before we had DD
Wondering why we are together
Panicked that there might be something/someone better and that I could be happier
Numb towards him - feel nothing at the moment other than just tired of it all

I do have a tendency to catastrophise sometimes. I do know this but perhaps I am kidding myself and things really are this bad. We do have some great times and only last weekend felt really connected but then it starts again: the grumpiness, bad tempers, walking on eggshells. Just tired of it all.

There, I've said it.

The trigger for me tonight seems to have been that he has mumbled through gritted teeth (again) "for fucks sake" when daughter was being a bit testy. DD told me she feels scared when Daddy says that. That made me feel sick. He denies it. Before anyone says that she might be fibbing or mistaken I know that. I didn't accuse him in front of her or anything like that. The only way I could see to resolve it was to say that she must have been mistaken but he kept on being unpleasant in front of her, shaking his head and saying no she wasn't mistaken, she's lying. So childish. Not sure what he expects me to do other then make her sit a lie detector test.

What is this doing to her? She wanted to go and cheer daddy up by telling him a joke and making him a cup of tea. Is this what I have taught her - that we need to keep him happy despite his grumpiness?

Feel so sad. We are going away tomorrow night, the three of us, to parents' caravan. Just wanted to enjoy the weekend but this has been brewing all week and it seems that we can't get to the weekend without a falling out.

Not really sure what I'm asking here. Anyone else in or has been in a similar situation? Where is this going?

HuskyLover1 Thu 21-Apr-16 21:01:59

Oh good grief, just leave him, surely? Your child is so young she won't care. You can find a lovely man, who isn't like this!

I stayed in a marriage for 20 years, with a man who cheated on me, sometimes kicked me, attacked me (at the end). I couldn't imagine leaving him, as I'd been with him since I was 17. I finally left at age 38. Best thing I ever did. I am now remarried to a lovely, lovely man, who cherishes me, would never hurt me, and I am so in love I could sing from the roof tops.

Take the jump! I love this saying...."the ship is safe in the harbour, but that's not what ships are for"......it's probably a bit silly, but I recited that a lot when I summoned the courage to leave x

ilovelamp2 Thu 21-Apr-16 21:02:38

I nipped to the shops and have the most sickening feeling that he has read this. He will be so hurt. I pad was open on desk - thought I had shut it but could be wrong ... Am now in the bath.

Cocoabutton Thu 21-Apr-16 21:08:37

flowers if he read it, it opens the door to a conversation. What is in there that you honestly can't say to his face? Have you told him how you feel about his behaviour? Or do you placate and keep the peace? (A question, not a criticism).

ilovelamp2 Thu 21-Apr-16 21:10:59

A bit of both to be honest cocoa . I do talk to him about it but then it just happens again. The thought of him reading this though is really upsetting - does that mean I still love him? Should I ask him if he's read it?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 21-Apr-16 21:16:42

I wouldn't ask him. He's already playing mind-games over what he says to your daughter. Don't give him any more opportunity.

Cocoabutton Thu 21-Apr-16 21:32:56

No, don't ask him. You have the right to post on a public support forum and you have not identified him or made him identifiable. So, I would be upset at the thought of my private efforts to seek anonymous support being compromised, and maybe panicked as it doesn't sound like your thoughts are straight - but I am not sure it is immediately about love. You can love someone dearly and a relationship with them can still be damaging to you. It does not sound like he respects you or DD.

I personally would not ask him.

Cocoabutton Thu 21-Apr-16 21:35:10

And maybe the thought of him reading it makes it more real - also upsetting?

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