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Should he propose if I'm relocating for him?

(61 Posts)
flso Thu 21-Apr-16 12:18:59

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years, and we've been living together for just over a year. He's been told he might be getting a promotion at work soon, which could mean moving 100 miles away from where we are currently based. I'm looking for a new job anyway, so the timing isn't too bad, but I will miss all my friends and my siblings who live nearby. Both of our sets of parents and lots of our friends have been dropping (in some cases very unsubtle!) hints to him about when he's going to ask me to marry him, and he already knows that when he asks the answer will be yes.

Friends have suggested that men have a one track mind and that he's only focused on the job at the moment and that then he'll ask. I'm not sure how I feel about moving all that way with no 'formal' commitment, and I've mentioned that to him that I would be giving up a lot to move.

My parents and some of my friends think he should propose if he's asking/expecting me to relocate for him. I don't want to put extra pressure on him whilst he's working hard for the promotion, but... do you think they're right?

PurpleDaisies Thu 21-Apr-16 12:23:29

No I don't. He should only propose because he wants to be with you for the rest of his life. It shouldn't be a reward for relocating. Presumably you're happy to be moving and he isn't forcing you to do it?

Somerville Thu 21-Apr-16 12:25:19

If someone loved me enough to want to live with me, I'd expect them to love me enough to want to marry me, tbh.

And certainly by the stage where you're following him half way across the country. It's good that you've told him that you'd be giving up a lot. How did he respond?

PurpleDaisies Thu 21-Apr-16 12:27:53

Posted to soon. Have you ever discussed getting married? How did you decide you were both going to move. Was there any discussion or did he just announce you were both going to go?

CommonBurdock Thu 21-Apr-16 12:27:54

Absolutely no he shouldn't. Nor should you be relocating if you aren't getting exactly as much out of the move as he is.

You shouldn't have to "give up" anything.

Speaking from personal experience.

What is there about the place you are moving to that excites you?

AliceInUnderpants Thu 21-Apr-16 12:30:53

He will ask you to marry him if and when he wants to. Don't bully him into it.

Marriage won't make any difference to moving away from family and friends will it?

Pocketsaviour Thu 21-Apr-16 12:40:59

If you don't want to move away without the assurance of a proposal, then why don't you do the proposing?

RaeSkywalker Thu 21-Apr-16 12:49:18

He should only propose if he wants to marry you. I can see why it's bothering you though. I'd talk to him about if he saw marriage as something that is in the immediate future, and if it's important to you- tell him! Don't just passively hope for a proposal that might not be a priority for him. He won't know unless you tell him.

flso Thu 21-Apr-16 12:51:39

Really interesting thoughts – thank you all!

We have discussed marriage – I raised the subject when we were talking about moving in together. We also discussed other ‘big topics’ like agreeing that we both want children someday. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page before moving in with him. On Valentine’s day this year I gave him a bottle of beer called ‘I Love You Will You Marry Me’, and told him how much he means to me and that when he asks the answer will be yes. I told him I wasn't proposing because that's his job (I'm quite traditional!). I've also shown him what kind of ring I would like...

When we first spoke about it in late January (slow moving company! He’s on a trial at the moment) he said that he might be getting a promotion at work but that it would involve relocating. I told him that I was happy about the promotion, but that I wasn’t sure how I felt about moving. I think I’ve come around to the idea of moving, mainly because I’m looking for a new job and this could be a ‘clean start’ in a way, and also because I know that the promotion will make him happy. When I told him that I would be giving up a lot to move he said that I wouldn’t be giving up my life, and that we would visit our current area often to see people.

I agree that a proposal should only be made if he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me… my only worry is that, 3 years in and moving half way across the country – surely he knows by now? Or should I chill out and stop being impatient?

Falling270 Thu 21-Apr-16 12:52:30

I agree that he should only ask if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but you should only relocate for him if he does. So yes before relocating 100 miles I would want to be engaged with a date set. If he isn't forthcoming despite the hints don't drop everything for him.

I would be blunt: "If you want me to relocate and give up everything here for you I want a proper commitment and to me that means marriage. How do you feel about that?"

Joysmum Thu 21-Apr-16 12:52:42

If you don't want to move away without the assurance of a proposal, then why don't you do the proposing?

Ditto. Why should he be the one who has to ask?

Dellarobia Thu 21-Apr-16 12:54:25

Obviously it's up to him whether or not to propose. Similarly it's up to you whether or not to relocate. But I agree that you're making a commitment to him which isn't currently being returned.

Personally I think a frank discussion in which you point this out would be a good idea. Not an ultimatum (unless you're prepared to go through with it), but a serious conversation about where you both see this relationship going.

Falling270 Thu 21-Apr-16 12:55:48

Don't ask him he already knows you want this. You've effectively "asked" already. This is a crossroads in your relationship and it's now up to him to decide if he wants to push forward with your relationship or not. It needs to come from him he needs to show some gumption and actually show you he wants this and isn't complicity accepting.

P1nkP0ppy Thu 21-Apr-16 12:56:25

You've dropped the biggest hints and he's not reacted? It would make me somewhat uneasy I think. He hasn't even said that you'll marry in due course, has he?

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 21-Apr-16 12:57:46

No, he "should" only do what he wants and is comfortable with.

And so should you.

DON'T relocate if you are not comfortable with it. If you know that you will only relocate if there is a ring on your finger, then TELL HIM, and be prepared to follow through (by staying put) if you don't get the engagement you're after.

Doing something resentfully, or against your own needs, is a disastrous thing to do for a relationship. So don't do it. But don't expect him to be any happier doing something under pressure that he doesn't want to do, either.

It sounds like you need a frank conversation about where this is headed, and a time line. You will hopefully both find a compromise you're happy with through such a conversation.

TheVeryThing Thu 21-Apr-16 13:01:45

To be honest, I've never understood the idea of waiting around for a man to propose.
If marriage is important to you then you should discuss it and come to an agreement like two mature adults. It may not sound as romantic (or 'traditional') as the big surprise proposal, but there is nothing romantic about people dropping hints and you wondering where you stand.
You should also be wary of moving across the country, unless that is also in your best interests (the promotion making him happy is not a good enough reason to move).
Maybe i'm wrong , but it sounds like you are in danger of playing the supporting role while your partner takes centre stage. Be very wary of this.

RainbowFlower24 Thu 21-Apr-16 13:06:46

Difficult. After 2 years long distance I moved country for my now DH. Proposal came nearly 2 years after that. I did say when I moved I expect to be engaged in 2 years and I expect you to ask. He still waited until the last minute. I Figured that timeline gave me time to realistically meet someone else And have children. On the one hand I would do as a previous poster said and have a frank conversation about what you want and timelines. And on the other, also really look into the location and job opportunities and social opportunities for you. If you're miserable there and just waiting for a proposal with a job you hate and no friends it will make it worse. Set yourself up for a successful relocation. Then if it doesn't work out, at least you get something out of the move. For me I made sure I learnt the new language and landed a good job so if DH hadn't proposed, whilst sad, I wouldn't feel like it had been a complete waste of time. Good luck

GibbousHologram Thu 21-Apr-16 13:13:12

You need to stop being so coy and have a frank conversation with him.

There's nothing wrong with saying you want to know he's fully committed to you before you up sticks and move with him.

Marriage isn't about a proposal/wedding, it's two people sharing their lives. If you can only talk about it through a series of ham-fisted hints and novelty gifts, you really do need to address that first.

Somerville Thu 21-Apr-16 13:29:31

Do you realise that you've stated what you've said to him about marriage, but not what he has replied? Is that because he doesn't reply?

Engaged or not, I wouldn't recommend moving jobs and leaving a support network and friendship circle for someone you can't rely on to have your back. He said that I wouldn’t be giving up my life, and that we would visit our current area often to see people This makes me wonder if he does.

HeteronormativeHaybales Thu 21-Apr-16 13:46:39

I really don't get this waiting and angling for a man to propose because one is 'traditional' (while all but asking oneself). This is your life - don't abdicate responsibility for it. Talk to him. Tell him that if you are going to make this move with and for him, with the ensuing disruption and sacrifice to your life and initial financial dependence, then you want to be married, or at the very least engaged with a wedding date set and announced.

RatherBeRiding Thu 21-Apr-16 13:47:23

You're adults, you're living together, you're talking about relocating together - you need to have a frank discussion about whether or not he sees marriage to you figuring in his near future. If it's a dealbreaker - tell him. Better to find out now while you've not committed too much in terms of years/mortgage/relocation etc etc.

I agree with others who have said that lots of unsubtle hints isn't the way to go about it if it means that much to you.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 21-Apr-16 13:58:10

You've dropped so many hints I think he expects you to move anyway and doesn't need to propose to make you.

I lived with my boyfriend in my flat. He was buying a house in a different county. He said something about he'd send for me if he was lonely. I said no, I move when he does or not until marriage. We moved together, engaged four months later and married nine months after that.

TheNaze73 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:01:14

It's 2016, ask him yourself. It's only been 3 years & I can see where his heads at. If it bothers you that much then ask but, a proposal is probably the last thing on his mind at the moment

Canyouforgiveher Thu 21-Apr-16 14:06:30

I wouldn't make any decision that wasn't entirely in my own interests unless I was in a fully committed relationship. For me that means marriage. I did relocate because of my husband's job. I would not have done that if we were not married.

I don't understand why you are waiting for a proposal. Why don't you have a conversation with him about your relationship. Tell him you want to be married and see what he says. If he sees this as a great relationship for now but not necessarily for life, you need to know so you can decide what to do.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 21-Apr-16 14:07:57

Ask him! Be an adult human being who takes charge of her destiny, not a fainting miss who has to wait to be asked by her man. Tell him you would like to get married, see what he says. If he isn't interested, then reevaluate your plans.

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