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Pity Party For One

(15 Posts)
EauPea Thu 21-Apr-16 12:13:13

I've just had a snotty sobfest all over a very understanding gp. The upshot is I am about to start on 20mg Fluoxetine.

I don't know if my low mood is impacting on my marriage or vice versa, but I do know right now I want out.

3 years ago we moved 200 miles away from friends and family. I really miss my eldest Dd (she stayed behind for uni) and friends. I have made a couple of good school mum friends but they're not the "3am" friends I left behind.

I hate not working, but childcare options are very limited.
I hate being dependant on my husband. I have always worked, earning a reasonable salary. I was a single parent to my eldest Dd for 14 years, it was tough being sole earner, working full time, but I had friends and a life.

I have tried talking to Dh but he makes it all about him, when I tell him I need to work he gets upset saying how hard he works to support us. True, he is hard working but surely if there were two wages coming in that would take the pressure off him?

I tried telling him how low I was feeling a few weeks ago, but I am crap at asking for help or admitting I can't cope, I guess I was hoping he'd read between the lines a bit and work out how bad I really feel. Again he made it all about him and I ended up feeling worse. He took Dd out for a while, I went out for a drive to clear my head and ended up at my mum's 200 miles away. I stayed for a few days but came back as he needed to go back to work.

My car has needed some work doing for a while, nothing major at the moment, but the potential to end up causing costly problems. This hasn't helped my anxiety, he doesn't want to "waste money we don't have paying a garage to do something I can do". He is capable of doing the work but doesn't have the time. I have ordered most of the parts needed, just waiting on the others.

He accepted a friend request from someone he was at school with a couple of weeks ago, she was all over anything he posted, he put some pictures up of a day out we'd been on and she commented "lovely, where are we going tomorrow". He said "I'll take the camera and show you" The next pictures he put on she commented "is that where we had lunch? Xxx" She also said "it's a shame you're so far away, we could go for a drink" in fairness he did not reply to, or like this comment. He didn't agree when I said she was a bit full on for someone he had only just become friends with, I then found out she'd spun some sob story and he'd offered her money to help her out. I went absolutely beserk, my car has needed repairs for months, for which apparently there is no money, but suddenly there is money for internet randoms. I may (blush) have slightly over reacted when I told him he was a pathetic piece of shit and giving her money in the hope of getting his willy wet was akin to prostitution.

He instantly agreed to block her, although is adamant it's all a huge misunderstanding on my behalf. Right now I don't care if he is interested in someone else, but offering her the money has made be beyond angry and whether or not my low mood has any bearing, I think I have lost all respect for him, so eager to rescue a damsel in distress, but can't see, or doesn't care I'm falling apart.

I've just heard back from the garage, the car is booked in for next week.

Pocketsaviour Thu 21-Apr-16 15:22:39

Op you sound pretty desperate.

All other issues aside - your location, lack of meaningful work - do you love your H and do you think he loves you?

Marchate Thu 21-Apr-16 15:25:37

He sounds very self absorbed. You made a good move seeing your GP

EauPea Thu 21-Apr-16 19:40:29

Pocket He says he does, but I think actions speak louder than words.

I don't feel much for anyone at the mo (except for intense irritation) so I'm not sure I can answer that objectively.

magoria Thu 21-Apr-16 19:49:38

So your car is being repaired right now yes?

I agree with you I would be absolutely livid to be told there was no money to get my car repaired and then find out he is giving money away to women he is chatting to.

It shows a lack of respect and caring for you.

I also agree that you look at his actions rather than he words. Right now all you are getting is words whilst this other woman is getting his hand dipped into his pocket as soon as she clicks her fingers.

I don't know the answer though sorry.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 21-Apr-16 19:56:33

His behaviour with this woman is beyond the pale. He's been a complete dick.

HandyWoman Thu 21-Apr-16 20:05:30

His behaviour re this random woman is bad, very bad.

But, it sounds like the fairly large straw that broke the camel's back. Sounds like you and he have not been managing to communicate for a while. Hoping that he would notice.

Can you move back to your dm's for a bit and have a think about what you need?

Sorry things are so hard, OP.


HuskyLover1 Thu 21-Apr-16 20:12:53

The next pictures he put on she commented "is that where we had lunch? Xxx"


I then found out she'd spun some sob story and he'd offered her money to help her out

You do not offer money to someone you knew decades ago, and haven't seen since. No way on earth. I think he has been seeing her.

I'd be checking his phone/e-mails etc, ASAP.

EauPea Thu 21-Apr-16 20:28:05

Sorry for the drip feed but I realise I missed the bit out in all the "he said, she said" stuff, I didn't see the message he sent offering the money but saw her reply about him being the only person to offer to help and how he is still the same kind, thoughtful man she has known and loved for the past 35 years. That was when I lost my shit.

I don't claim to be whiter than white, I have just apologised for shouting and told him it's up to him what he spends family money on, he doesn't need my approval. This is my (totally passive aggressive I know) justification of spending £300 on the car next week.

EauPea Thu 21-Apr-16 20:30:34

Husky we live over 200 miles away, he hasn't physically seen her in decades, she was referring to a virtual lunch date, He snd I had gone out for lunch sad

pocketsaviour Thu 21-Apr-16 20:48:30

I have just apologised for shouting and told him it's up to him what he spends family money on, he doesn't need my approval

What?! Why the fuck would you say that? So it's fine by you if he goes and blows all your money on cocaine and hookers?!

EauPea Thu 21-Apr-16 21:02:14

Pocket I really struggle with the concept of family money. Because I'm not earning it I feel I have to justify spending it. This is totally my problem, other than the car issue (which is a huge issue I am not minimising this) he has never been an arse about money.

It was not a heartfelt apology, it was more of a you dare say a word about me spending this money on the car. Which he didn't, he offered to fix the car this weekend, I told him not to bother as it is booked in at the garage all he could say was ok, anything else would have made him look like a hypocritical, wanker....... although if the cap fits.

magoria Thu 21-Apr-16 21:11:31

200 miles is nothing.

A couple of hours each if they meet in the middle.

Easy to do if you have a day off work.

EauPea Thu 21-Apr-16 22:15:41

He hasn't had an opportunity to meet up with her, that's not to say the thought hadn't crossed his mind

EauPea Sat 23-Apr-16 10:54:17

I'm determined to look for something positive every day.

I struggle to eat when upset plus a side effect of the ad's is lack of appetite. Well, today I am back in a pair of jeans that stopped fitting me about a year ago grin

Fuck the pity party, only I can make me happy.

The sun is shining, Dd and I are off go the beach in a bit

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