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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

my partner just put his hands on my neck

225 replies

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:12

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

OP posts:

Report

PinkPjamas · 21/04/2016 11:17

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Your children can give you the courage. You cannot be in a position where you're bringing them up around this sick excuse for a man who will put hands on their mother. If he truly thinks you've brought it on yourself then he is highly dangerous and you must get away and get your children away. Have you support in real life? Can your mum have you both while you sort yourself somewhere else? Have you told the police?
How could he. .. becuase soemthing in his psyche deems this as acceptable. You know it isn't. You must not stay with him.

DoreenLethal · 21/04/2016 11:20

The courage comes from thinking about your little girl growing up knowing her dad strangled her mum.

Can you go to your parents and tell them what happened and stay there until you are sorted.

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:22

Thank you pink.

It is very hard to reconcile all the good things with this. But I know its so,wrong and is not my fault. I don't know why he is has done this. His parents aren't like this and would be disgusted. Even he condemns violence like this. I know there is not point asking why but I can't help it. All I've ever done is love him.

My parents are great and will support me. My phone is out of battery so I can't call,them. They are with dd at a neighbours so I'll have to wait.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 21/04/2016 11:22

Please call 101 and report to police. Don't go back. Let police talk to him and get it on record.

Enoughisenough9 · 21/04/2016 11:23

Go to your parents. A few more seconds and he could have killed you, you had no power over that.

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:24

I know I should call the police but I know I won't.

I'm safe.

Dd loves him so much, and he her. They have a lovely relationship. Why is is everything fucked up in a moment.

OP posts:

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:26

It helps to talk. Please kepp talking to. E

OP posts:

FullMoonTonight · 21/04/2016 11:27

sorry you're going through this

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:28

Thank you

OP posts:

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:30

What should I do now, practically.

The house is in both our names. I can cover the finances. He's out of work at the moment and doesn't have anything. I know it's not my responsibility but I'm just wondering how to do it all.

Why why why.

OP posts:

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:33

Just feel overwhelmed. Want to give DD and the new baby the best life. I though he did too. Why would he ruin it. He must know I can't go,back.

OP posts:

Bollyroo · 21/04/2016 11:34

Please call the national domestic violence free phone helpline 0808 2000 247. There will at least be a good non-judgemental person to speak to.

You don't have to make any decisions now.

I really hope you're ok.

DoreenLethal · 21/04/2016 11:34

He is out of work and starting arguments about housework? When he should be doing the bloody housework? And then trying to strangle you in the process.

Please reconsider calling the police. If he can snap like this then you may find that he is violent and abusive in more situations whilst you are trying to sort out the house and finances and you may need it on record at one point.

SonjasSister · 21/04/2016 11:36

Oh, OP, that's horrific for you. I think the advice people give for this situation is to talk to Women's Aid, the number will be in lots of places on this board. I am very glad to hear that you are not taken in by his attempt to deflect blame onto you. Might be nice for him to think that, but bollocks as you clearly told him.

Gutting, I am so sorry.

KarenP63 · 21/04/2016 11:40

Get out now! You have to protect yourself and your children. I stayed and gave mine another chance... 5 years later I'm back in the same position and now I'm truly about to leave. My child deserves better and so do I.

HeadTilt · 21/04/2016 11:41

Thanks everyone.

My parents are home so I'm going to go in now. Don't worry, I'll stay safe and try so hard to be strong. I'll come on later if I can get a charger for my tablet.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2016 11:43

I would call Womens Aid as a matter of urgency on the number that has been posted; they can and will help you stay away from this individual.

I would also reconsider your decision not to call the police; he did assault you and such attacks should be on record. If he had done this to someone in the street he would have been arrested; why is it different for your own self?. It is not.

It is not your fault that he did this; your actions did not drive him to be violent. Many such violent people always blame the other party rather than their own selves for their actions; its basically abdicating all responsibility.

I would seek legal advice and talk to the mortgage company further about possibly getting his named removed from the mortgage.

You may well still love him but love is never enough in these situations. He has remained both argumentative and volatile and he has further now crossed a line that should never be crossed. You need to stay safe and doing that means staying away from him for good.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/04/2016 11:45

Oh op this is a horrible thing to have experienced. Anyone would be feeling very shaken right now and the thought of having to make decisions might feel beyond you right now. I second the advice to speak to WA or NDVH

This type of assault (strangulation) is considered to be the most concerning and the biggest indicator of risk.
I would strongly suggest that you get this logged somewhere whilst you consider your options. GP, for example. I wish I had started a paper trail when I was first assaulted - would have made things much easier down the line.

DraughtyWindow · 21/04/2016 11:46

So sorry you're going through this. I would not alert him of your plans just yet and I would suggest you make a list of all the things you need to get organised or need more information about. Far easier to keep track of. Also call the CAB as they will point you in the right direction. Also, see if you can get in to see your doctor today, even if you don't want to report the incident at least there will be a record of it. And don't leave the property. You could call Women's Aid too.
There will be other posters who will be better placed to advise next steps I'm sure.
Stay safe & strong X

CaveMum · 21/04/2016 11:47

First of all I'm sorry you are going through this.

Secondly I really think you should go to your Doctor to get checked out and have a record of this on your medical file. You might not be ready to go to the police right now but if you decide to in the future you will have your medical record as evidence.

Openmindedmonkey · 21/04/2016 11:50

So sorry you are going through this, you clearly don't deserve such an awful experience. Neither does your DD deserve to grow up in an atmosphere of fear, of no trust or respect.
Please call the domestic violence line; you are not alone in this.

SonjasSister · 21/04/2016 11:56

...or the helpline given above, I am not an expert.

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msrisotto · 21/04/2016 11:57

What a horrible shock it must be for you HeadTilt. I hope your parents help you move forward as i'm sure there are a few things to sort out, i'd also recommend talking to Women's Aid as they will have plenty of experience and will know just what to do. You are doing the best you can for yourself and your family. x

msrisotto · 21/04/2016 12:00

You sound so much better than him too, not just morally of course, but practically, you're more together, taking care of your shit. Working, housestuff, child raising. He's crap and you're getting on and doing it. Don't forget that. He probably feels really shit in comparison but it's his own fault.

cestlavielife · 21/04/2016 12:06

By calling police and police talking to him he will.know it s unacceptable and you will.be protecting dd and baby.
His reaction to police will give you indication as to how he views what happened.
You dd will love him whatever. She can see him supervises until it is shown it s safe..

Take time.out to review the background of volatility and arguments . This is not a good environment for 2 dc.

Flip

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