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My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

(203 Posts)
Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 10:56:33

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

OiWithThePoodlesAlready Thu 21-Apr-16 11:00:17

To be honest I'd probably just let it go. It must be bloody hard for her being stuck in the middle and would probably get a hard time from her mum if she spoke to you. I think you just have to be the grown up here and see that is doesn't really matter.

Seeyounearertime Thu 21-Apr-16 11:01:58

First of all why is your DH shouting at you? If you can't communicate with him like an adult maybe you should think why you're putting yourself through this pain for him? He doesn't seem to care does he?

As for DSD, how old is she?
Personally I'd ignore it, if she's normally okay with you when you're alone and her mum's not there then just give her space when her Mum is there iyswim?

VimFuego101 Thu 21-Apr-16 11:07:44

I think you need to address the issue with her mother. DSD is being rude to ignore you, but she's probably taking the path involving least conflict; acknowledging you would probably create problems with her mother. Unfortunately if your DP won't acknowledge or deal their bad behavior, you are probably in for a rough few years. How long have you been together?

AntiqueSinger Thu 21-Apr-16 11:11:24

I don't think you should try and force things. It's bloody hard being stuck in the middle. I know you want more support from your DP in this but consider: If you force your dsd to acknowledge willit mean any more to you than if she doesn't? What you want is for her to hopefully willingly say hello etc. As she gets older this may happen, but in the meantime try not to hold it against her. She may be thinking that her parents would be together if you weren't in the picture, or that she's being disloyal to her mum(who is using her children here).

Splits are completely unfair on children. They are expected to negotiate a situation they never asked to be put into.

Just continue doing your best and she may come round in time. Here's someflowers for trying to be a nice stepmumsmile

Bagatelle1 Thu 21-Apr-16 11:17:32

I think it depends how old your DSD is and also whether or not you were the OW.

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 11:46:45

No I'm not the OW they have been divorced for 6 years but I am the first serious one since. My sd is 12 next week bless her I completely understand her feeling in the middle, I am being the adult by understanding and letting it go, but I don't think u can really grasp the situation until your in it, she literally walks past me and blanks me , am I just meant to ignore her, I just can't keep doing that . The only other thing I can do is go out of way to avoid her so that way she's not put in the situation x

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Apr-16 11:56:46

I think I'd have a chat with DSD and see if she wants me to blank her when at school.
You can agree to ignore each other but not to take offence?

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 11:57:33

I think that might be the only way actually , if I avoid her then she doesn't feel awkward and I don't get upset

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 12:02:32

Yeh I'm thinking that hellsbells, I don't think I can just ignore the situation tbh , I may well advise someone to be the bigger person and ignore but when u are in the situation is it different , it feels terrible it looks awful to everyone else and to my children who can be with me at the time , so in a nice way I feel I need to address it with her

MatildaTheCat Thu 21-Apr-16 12:19:36

Have a chat with her and tell her you understand how difficult it must be for her. Perhaps just give her a smile insead of hello? It must be agonising for her especially at the age she's at when pretty much everything is embarrassing already.

I would seriously avoid anything that jeopardises you currently good relationship. Hard though it is for you it shows she is loyal to her mum which is generally a good thing. If her mum says rude things about you in public think how much worse she might be in private should the poor girl dare to speak with you.

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 12:25:06

Yeh I know Matilda I'm fine with the fact they're loyal to their mum and I would be more than happy with a smile a half hearted one even . I will speak with her, when the time is right, later today I think I will just avoid her x

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 13:11:16

I'd also say my dp is really stressed with it all, there's been a lot going on with the ex wife, first she lets her children down and was only seeing them once a week and every other weekend and does things like go away to Spain when she's supposed to be her weekend and the little one is in tears with us after 14 days of not seeing her mum. Then the mum splits up with her now husband and decides she wants full custody of her children which would entail changing school etc. However it's going to mediation now as my dp isn't just going to allow that to happen as u can imagine. We've had a lot thrown at us from her and it has brought us closer together in some ways and normally we don't argue but this has put alot of strain on us and sometimes the cracks start to show. But we can't let her split us up as that's what she wants. She doesn't want him to be happy.

We are going away just the 2 of us next weekend though boy am I looking forward to it, this has also come at a time were my dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer so maybe im being more sensitive than normal . I don't know 😞

Slowdecrease Thu 21-Apr-16 13:23:07

I totally understand where you dsd is at. It must be excruciating to have her mum and her step mum (who are clearly battling) in one place day in day out. I think avoiding is the best thing you can do for her. It takes the pressure off her.

Joysmum Thu 21-Apr-16 13:33:18

*I think I'd have a chat with DSD and see if she wants me to blank her when at school.
You can agree to ignore each other but not to take offence?*

That's what I was going to suggest. Acknowledge how hard it must be for her and see if that's how she feels most comfortable with situations where you and her mum are in the same place.

AntiqueSinger Thu 21-Apr-16 13:33:34

Sorry about your dadsadflowers

Sounds like you've got loads on your plate! Best thing you can do is be a centre of stability for the children, because by all accounts they need somewhere to be an oasis of calm, and it's not at home. Mum sounds like a complete nightmare who puts her needs above her children. But don't let her influence disrupt what you're trying to achieve for your family.

You sound like a great step mum and your SC are lucky to have you. Not all women can bring themselves to care about their partner's previous children. Hopefully if you hang in there, one day they will see how genuine you are.

But the poor DC's. I imagine the pressure and bad mouthing at home is relentless. Personally I think bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the children borders on emotional abuse.

Just hang in there O.P. and relish your break!

Slowdecrease Thu 21-Apr-16 14:01:15

With regards to badmouthing - as a child it's horrible to hear your parents being negative about each other but anyone who says they never ever do it , in a happy long term relationship let alone separated is lying/minimising. My mum and dad were always up in arms about each other - they were mostly happily married for 56 years until my mum passed away two years ago. People even adults, even parents are human. It happens.

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:18:43

Thank u antique and joysmum . I will say I feel sorry for them the way they are used and never know if they are coming and going, they are very insecure not surprisingly compared to my own but I know we provide a happy home for all 4 of them there's the odd jealousy moment between the older 2 in particular but I do think we do a pretty good job. I could go on about their mum but I won't the things she's done are unbelievable I will say though slowdecrease, I don't battle with their mum I let her get on with it. And whereas it's all terrible for my dsd and I've said many times I understand were she is at but also I need to be happy too, and the way things are I'm not so I'm just going to avoid her as best I can and not make us both uncomfortable. Nearly that time so fingers crossed x

Joysmum Thu 21-Apr-16 14:58:30

You sound wonderful and all the kids are lucky to have you in their lives. Just make sure you and your partner are talking rationally about things so it's not a wedge between you. It will be difficult for all. Best of luck flowers

NewLife4Me Thu 21-Apr-16 15:06:16

Poor kid is doing it to please her mum and tbh you have no right to tell her to just wave or say hello etc.
Your dp ex has issues with you so I certainly wouldn't involve her at all and if your dp is shouting at you, that is the only problem you seem to have in all this.

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 15:11:15

Wow how wrong you are newlife4me , if really like to see u deal with it all , gosh some people have no idea!

Thank u joysmum x

rumbleinthrjungle Thu 21-Apr-16 15:16:58

I wonder what gets said to dsd or what she has to deal with if her mum sees her acknowledge you. She may be doing it in self defense, from your description mum is on the tricky side, and you may be the far safer person to risk upsetting.

I would have a quick, cheerful word in private with her about I can see that's hard for you and I don't want to make it harder, so how about I don't say anything, would that help? And if you catch her eye in a hallway or pass her then a quick smile or a wink without expecting reply says you get it.

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 15:25:16

Yep I'm in agreement rumble, great advice thank u x

Slowdecrease Thu 21-Apr-16 15:57:02

You absolutely do need to be happy and part of that happiness will surely come from knowing you're letting dsd handle it the best way she can at present. It's so hard to navigate blended families, I know.

Thatslife72 Thu 21-Apr-16 16:11:57

Ohh it was just awful at the school run, I'm so sad 😞 . I tried to avoid her I went to the school gate, unfortunately my ds and my youngest dsd are in the same class so them my sd came to wait for her sister she was standing right next to me I'm sorry but I just couldn't ignore her, her mum was in the car and couldn't see I just said hi .... U ok? I got a yeh then she looked at her phone and walked off ignoring me, her mum looking over from her car. My dd and ds were with me and could see I was upset but I didn't say anything. You can all have a go at me and say well she feels awkward poor her, yes I know but I feel like absolute shit. But her mum shouldn't put her dd in that position why doesn't she get out of the car and wait for her dd I have no problem with her ignoring me! I'm sorry but I blame her mum I think she's doing it deliberately 😞

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