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Baby with my ex

(11 Posts)
clashofclanswidow Thu 21-Apr-16 09:22:46

I need help! =(

I'm just becoming an emotional wreck when I'm on my own and the closer my due date gets - the worse I'm feeling.

Ex left at 20 weeks for OW (not sure when that started) I am now 35 weeks. We are amicable (ish long story...lots of it for DD)

We already have one DD together before this baby, who he still sees and he wants to be a part of babies life.

I'm shitting myself now the closer it gets =( Thought I was being really strong but now it's going south again...

Probably not helped by me getting ready for the birth and his weird attitude lately etc but I keep picturing him holding our baby for the first time and just breaking down in tears (always in private, don't want anyone to see me a mess!)

How do I cope with knowing he holds our baby then will leave hospital to go about his life?!

I'm supposed to be meeting him in a couple of weeks to amicably discuss how things will be when she is born e.g. I don't want him just calling round when he sees fit, I will be breastfeeding so he's not really going to be able to take her out places until/if I can express and (I don't want to have to drag OW into it but) I don't want her in my house, no matter if mine and his relationship is over or not.

It just feels hard because if he comes here to see baby, yes I can sleep, clean, eat, shower or whatever so we're not sat together but I will still know he is here and then will just leave again. It's really upsetting me.

Even if he said he'd made a mistake, I wouldn't take him back after what he put me through but I'm scared to death it's gonna feel like my heart is breaking every time he leaves etc.

So please, has anyone had a baby with an ex or similar? If not WWYD? Can anyone offer me advice for how you would make things work? I think I would be able to calm down a bit more if I could vision how it will go in my mind at least (clutching at straws, I know) Providing it doesn't get too much and he bolts then he will still be coming to collect DD.

I know it's hard to look ahead but at least if I know how I want it to be - at least it might help me cope through the next few months.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 21-Apr-16 12:04:27

I'm supposed to be meeting him in a couple of weeks to amicably discuss how things will be when she is born

Whose idea was this and have you acted on the advice given on your other thread to attend your next antenatal appointment without him being present?

You're best advised to accept that some decisions cannot be made until after the birth and, while he may want to be "a part of babies life", he must accept that he is solely and wholly responsible for creating a situation in which his involvement with dd2 will be minimal until/unless you can express or she is weaned and can be left with him for increasing lengths of time.

He can't have it every which way and, now that the warmer months are almost upon us, there's no reason why you can't meet him outside of your home on occasion so that he can engage with the baby while you are to hand.

You MUST start putting yourself first, OP. He comes a very poor fourth to the continued wellbeing of you and your dc and my concern is that pg hormones, together with the fact that you prefer to avoid confrontation, may enable him to bamboozle you into entering into agreements.which may subsequently prove to be untenable for you.

Branleuse Thu 21-Apr-16 12:06:17

Im hoping to god you havent agreed to him being there to watch you birth sad

Dont torture yourself. xxx

RaeSkywalker Thu 21-Apr-16 12:14:40

flowers for you clash, I really hope that you have a good support network.

Firstly, I wouldn't let him anywhere near whilst in labour. Will he be caring for your eldest when this happens?

I think goddess makes a really food point about meeting outside- somewhere like the park. You can be occupied with DD1 whilst he spends time with the baby. I wouldn't let him into my home- it's your safe space, don't let him intrude if you don't want him there. Don't commit to any arrangements until the baby is here and you know how you feel. Spend time focussing on starting family life as you and your DDs- his concerns are far less important than creating this.

RaeSkywalker Thu 21-Apr-16 12:16:10

*good point, not food point!

clashofclanswidow Thu 21-Apr-16 13:07:32

Hi Goddess. Thank you for coming over from my other thread. I didn't want to post in there since the issues are seperate but some more things have happened since then...

The idea to meet up is mine - simply to put to rest a fear of the unknown and to want to lay down ground rules. This was all pre-court threats that happened last week though and also prior to him suddenly wanting involvement again as I didn't want him just popping up out of the blue.

However it won't be a face to face meeting, will stick to email discussions.

No I haven't yet told him about the antenatal appointment, as I have stupidly allowed him to re-enter my head and I think this is why my emotions are all over the place - so I wanted to find out where my inner strength has buggered off to, before I told him!

I can't talk to my family and friends and sometimes I struggle to on here because I know it's very cut and dry - this man left me 20 weeks pregnant for an OW, it's horrible, that's obvious.

But we were together 7 years nearly and the last few days since he has wanted to be involved again has sent my emotions into overdrive and that's why I'm getting myself worked up for baby's birth - sometimes I just need to get it out of my system =(

He won't be with me whilst I deliver but has said he wants to be at the hospital. DD will be with his Mum until my Mum can go get her back (she is my birthing partner)

goddessofsmallthings Thu 21-Apr-16 13:48:40

Please repeat at least 50 times a day:

"He chose to abandon me and (dd1's name) in the cruellest possible way and I owe him NOTHING"

He can come to the hospital AFTER you have delivered and your dm can show him the baby outside of your room/the delivery suite for a couple of minutes before he fucks off back to the ow - and he should think himself extremely fortunate to be accorded that courtesy.

You do NOT need any "inner strength" to send him the one line email I proposed on your other thread to the effect that 'the appointment is being rearranged and I will notify you of the new date in due course'. Send it NOW and be done with it!

I can't talk to my family and friends and sometimes I struggle to on here because I know it's very cut and dry - this man left me 20 weeks pregnant for an OW

The harsh fact is that IT IS cut and dried and, for your own mental and emotional wellbeing, you must get to grips with the fact that, no matter what you read into his texts/emails/looks to the contrary, he WON'T be coming back. Anything else is wishful thinking on your part and even if he were to fall to his knees and beg and plead for a reconcilation, you will NEVER be able to trust him and will be doomed to live your life waiting for him to walk out on you again at the worst possible moment.

This isn't to say that it will be easy to cut off the flow of sentimental and emotional feelings you have for him, but until you begin to control your thoughts you won't know any peace and your mind will be going up and down like seesaw.

Start by resolving to set aside 10-15 mins at c10pm when dd is tucked up and asleep to indulge yourself in a pityfest/wallow where you give your thoughts about him free range. At all other times tell any thoughts of him that come into your head to go away until the appointed time and then immediately switch your mind to a task in hand or a visual image ithat pleases you, either in your home/outdoors or in your imagination.

clashofclanswidow Thu 21-Apr-16 14:35:16

Good advice goddess again, thank you. Sometimes I just need a really good kick up the bum.

I've got a lot of things done today so I'm feeling happier again, just get a bit overwhelmed with it all sometimes. Thank you xx

twocultures Thu 21-Apr-16 15:21:19

Goddess thanks
That is all!

hurtandconfued2016 Thu 21-Apr-16 15:50:05

I'm going to email you hunni ♡

Branleuse Fri 22-Apr-16 07:59:34

If I were you, id be seriously considering telling him that its not his baby.
If you are tied to him and hes on the birth certificate, then its going to seriously restrict your movements. You wont be able to move away if you want to. He could even stop you taking your child on holiday.

If hes fucked off and left you high, dry and pregnant, then you need to protect yourself.

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