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I'm not capable of looking after myself, I want someone to look after ME.

(9 Posts)
teenytinyweeny Wed 20-Apr-16 22:17:04

I'm struggling. There is no one around to help, nor will there ever be. We're supposed to be self reliant aren't we, as adults? I was raped every night by my paedophile father until I ran away around 15. My mum let him. That's how I lost my entire family, no one believed me. No prosecutions were ever brought due to lack of evidence. He only got a years probation. I was then fostered by an equally abusive couple. And low and behold I followed the classic pattern and married an abusive man! I was forced to divorce in my late forties by child protection who said if I didn't leave my dh my children would be taken into care. My exdh did everything. I had responsibilty for nothing. Now I find myself all alone having to support dc and learn how to run a life at an age when everyone else has been doing it for decades. I just can't manage. I stuggle with the smallest task. I hate having to take responsibility for everything. I feel like a child. I don't have the skills to look after myself properly. The outside world has no idea. I'm not sure I'll ever be a 'normal' person. I just don't have it in me. My heart bleeds for lack of love. Is there a way out?

TealLove Wed 20-Apr-16 22:18:49

The way out is in.
You have to discover your strength somewhere inside. It is there. It starts with healing.
Can you see a councillor?
What do you want to do? X

teenytinyweeny Wed 20-Apr-16 22:32:17

I want to feel capable, not like I'm continually drowning. Yes I've had years of counselling. None of that replaces the loss of love though.

givepeasachance Wed 20-Apr-16 22:32:45

I'm so sorry you have been let down by so many people in your life.

I am guessing that this new situation is pretty recent? If so, go easy on yourself. This is finally your chance to not have anyone else dictate your life, you will just need to get used to it. It will be worthwhile once you are through this initial storm,

I think many adults don't feel 'like adults' should - it always feels a bit funny to be An Adult. You are 'Normal', you are actually doing it, you are getting through the days, just like everyone else does (with all their struggles). 'Normal' doesn't exist, everyone has their thing. And your past does not have to dictate your future with your DCs, you can now get to decide.

What are the things you always wanted to do? Do you know? If not, that might be your first task - a wish list split into immediate (this week) things and longer term (one year) things. You can do this. There is a road to follow, but you need to decide which one you would like to go down.

Much love <3

givepeasachance Wed 20-Apr-16 22:36:24

And p.s. the biggest cliche of all is that you can now start to love yourself without horrific people telling you through their words and actions what you are - they don't know who you are, their actions only tell you who they are.

And only you know who you are. Find her, find that woman who you are. She will be lovable and beautiful. And she will be loved.

HeddaGarbled Wed 20-Apr-16 23:22:20

What you really really need is a social worker. They would give you support while helping you learn to look after yourself. Home start is good to help with the children but they are volunteers not professionals and with your history, I think you probably need professionals. Your GP is probably the place to go to first to request help. They will be able to refer you on to other agencies.

chaosmonkey Wed 20-Apr-16 23:44:19

Hi, I have a similar background, but was lucky in that was taken in by lovely people at 18. Just wanted to echo the pp - lots of us feel like we want someone (the proper grown-ups) to take over and sort stuff.

But lets look at how amazing you are.

You had an awful childhood, you survived, and you were strong and brave enough to get out and tell people. That's amazing, and much better than me, who simply ran away.

You then meet an abusive man, who was such a horror that soc services have validated that he was a danger. But you, you strong woman, got you and your kids out.

It seems like you have been dealing with so much, and its become normal to you, that you don't see how amazing you are

EveningLily Thu 21-Apr-16 00:39:13

Dear teenytinyweeny, I was feeling low and came to read messages. And I read yours and I said to myself 'look at that'. The page got closed..but I had to find your post to reply. Teenytinyweeny, your message is absolutely impressive - that you endured so MUCH in your life and that you are bold enough to mention and want to come of it, speaks MILLION about you. I wish I had that strength of yours!! You might feel despondent, but to me you are an amazing lady. I wish you Realize i) the love for life you have ii) the strength you have to face it. It might seem difficult to you now, ---i can visualise you trying to move a rock, I know you can do it, it's only some time you need with that strength of yours smile Good luck smile

OnTheRise Thu 21-Apr-16 07:35:01

You're strong and wonderful, teeny. You've faced unimaginable horrors, and are still here.

I agree that the way out is to jump in. You're going to have to look after yourself and your children, there's no real way out of that: but you CAN do it.

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds to me like you might benefit from being more compassionate towards yourself. I have found some useful self-compassion meditations free online: they take about fifteen minutes to do, are very easy, and remarkably helpful. You could start with something like that, perhaps.

I wish you well.

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