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I want to leave this life only thing that stops me is my 3yr old..

(17 Posts)
bleachedout Wed 20-Apr-16 21:44:18

I feel guilty that I carry this sadness inside and that the only reason I stay on this bloody planet is for my child. I've had a very tough life and on top drenched with lonliness and isolation.
My child is happy and healthy and do 100% for my child in every part of development since birth.
If my child was not around as sure wouldn't be. I am tired of how my life has been and how it is.

Poppiesway Wed 20-Apr-16 21:48:40

I have nothing I can say to help you but you are not alone feeling like this. It comes over me in waves, today I feel this too, things are beyond my control, I'm helpless and can't do anything. I'm left to deal with everything while others carry on without a care in the world.
I hate this feeling and quite often think I would be best off not here. But my DC keep me here. Life is shite. And it's very very hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel

Resilience16 Wed 20-Apr-16 22:00:55

Bleachedout, hey I am so sorry you feel this way and I am sorry your life is tough. I know when you are at rock bottom it can feel as if there is no way out, but there is help and support out there.
Sometimes it helps just to talk about it, to get things out there and off your chest. We are here on MN, but have you tried your doctor, a counsellor,or even the Samaritans.
Be kind to yourself. Bringing up a young child is hard enough when you are feeling 100pc, it is even harder when you are feeling low and if your child is happy and healthy you are doing a great job in very hard circumstances so well done to you.
Don't feel guilty that you are sad, you are allowed to be sad and angry when life has been tough. Please believe me that life can get better even if things seem bleak now.
A hug of support for you x

Sweetsweetjane Wed 20-Apr-16 23:28:11

You are not alone. I have battled those thoughts all my adult life. I could never leave my kids with the legacy of a suicidal mum. You need to talk and need some help to get you through this dark time. GPs can help as a first step or yo can try online counselling. Lots of support groups online and on social media
Hope the black cloud lifts for you. There's a lovely vid on YouTube, think it's called black dog or something, too tire pd to look now but it gives a great insight into depression and ways of coping. It's lovely and light film.
Feel free to pm me if you want a chat any time xx

EveningLily Thu 21-Apr-16 00:30:55

Dear Bleachedout, That your child is happy says a million about you and your inner strength. Children's behavior is much of our product I believe. Please try to believe in that strength of yours . I have passed through that phase and still going on. Our success is also to find the child happy and to continue to keep them happy. I am telling myself that it is hard now, and will get better...

Atenco Thu 21-Apr-16 04:03:27

I do know you or your circumstances, but when I was young I often fantasised about killing myself, but life changes and I was able later to be very glad that I hadn't acted on any of those impulses. It may not work for you, but I found it helped to start counting my blessings at least once a day. The sun rose today, I have my child, I am not living in Syria, etc. etc.

bleachedout Thu 21-Apr-16 12:27:38

I just don't want to go to GP as I would not want my child taken away and I have found GP useless on many occasions. I do not have the money to seek help privately.

I am in a really lonely place where I can't talk or trust anyone. I never go out as there is no one I can leave my child with and I also do feel so tired and fatigued. I was tested for this via blood test and nothing came up which I am glad for.

My family are toxic/ verbal and physically abusive and I have never been able to talk to them about anything. They just look to see if I have any money they can literally snatch from me and my child.

My heart, life is heavy.

bleachedout Thu 21-Apr-16 12:38:24

Right now I am in floods of tears and the only thing that keeps me here right now is to see my child run up to me when I will go to collect from nursery.

When my child is asleep that is when I can't rest and find it hard to sleep with stress and anxiety.

Atenco Thu 21-Apr-16 13:50:39

Better informed people will come along to advise you, bleached, could you maybe change doctors? I live in Mexico, but from reading here, there is no real risk of your child being taken from you while you seek help.

However meanwhile, you could also start taking Vitamin B complex, it should help you generally with your nerves, moods and energy levels. And there is also St. John's Wort, while is a good natural antidepressant.

bleachedout Thu 21-Apr-16 14:14:58

Thank you. I was thinking about taking the vitamin b complex and that it might help a little.

I drink herbal nytol elixr at night to ease into sleep as I do not want to go near alcohol feeling as low as I do.

Would Q Enyme 10 help with fatigue too?

bleachedout Thu 21-Apr-16 14:16:09

Q Enzyme I meant

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 21-Apr-16 14:21:33

Nobody is going to take your child from you, especially not for doing a responsible thing like seeking help.

It sounds like you have a very hurtful family history to recover from. If you were raised by people who treated you badly, you naturally developed the belief that you are worth no better than that, and that the world is a difficult and threatening place.

A good counsellor can help you overcome these beliefs, and the feelings that go with them. The first step is to speak to your GP about wanting help dealing with your feelings.

You may find your GP useless, but s/he won't be the one doing the counselling : the GP refers you to a counsellor.

It is honestly very worth doing, when you're feeling as low as you are now.

Atenco Thu 21-Apr-16 14:51:10

I'm not familiar with Q Enzyme, so I couldn't possibly say, but I just remembered that magnesium is also highly recommended for depression.

But the best thing that worked for me was counting my blessings and forcing myself to look at things positively. At first it feels like it is all a lie, but little by little it becomes more natural.

Atenco Thu 21-Apr-16 14:52:02

The main thing I feel, OP, is that you are at a turning point now. You have started to reach out for help, and that is a very healthy sign.

Choceeclair123 Thu 21-Apr-16 15:45:56

Please seek help. My mum committed suicide when I was a teenager and it is still so painful 20+ years on. Your child loves you and needs you.

bleachedout Thu 21-Apr-16 17:49:10

Choceeclair I am so sorry you experienced this. I really felt for my child when I read your message.

I know I do more for my child than two parent's together. I feel like a failure as I have no relatives to show past memories or make new ones with my child and I also know how mentally healthier/ richer we are to be away from toxic abusive family.

God I feel like I am a mess. I just don't know where to start but yes I should be grateful for the basics as that in itself is a lot. Yes I thank God I am not a mother in Syria today.

Gaspard Thu 21-Apr-16 20:38:23

Sorry, bleached. Sadness is my worst nightmare and I know a little bit about always feeling low. If I could carry yours for you for just one day to give you a break I would.

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