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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Deceptive husband

67 replies

essieestherson · 20/04/2016 14:45

This is my first post on here. Trying to keep it short... My husband and I have been married for 5 years, have 2 children together and I am 7 months pregnant with our third..

Our relationship has mainly been very good, though there have been times when he will flip out for no reason, he has walked out his family a few times (only for a day or so.) When I fell pregnant with our 2nd son he was very unpleasant and made the whole pregnancy really tough for me.. (he loves our son to bits now) but because of all this things got very hard and I left him last February.

He wrote me a long letter saying how sorry he was for everything and how he would do anything to make me happy again. He saw a doctor and was put on tablets for depression and anxiety. Things got a little better.

I finally felt a bit happier and really felt content in my marriage, then a few weeks ago he went to Norwich to visit a client with work (he travels a lot with work) I was at home with our children and I sat down to watch something on our ipad and noticed a message had come through on there (it is linked with his phone.) The message looks a bit strange so I opened and looked through, basically it said

'Hi do you have any appointments today.'
'No sorry I am booked today'
'That's a shame, you made a real impression on me last time ;-)'
'Sorry who is this'
'My name is I came to see you a few months ago, shame your busy today I was really hoping for a full hour this time :-)'

I googled the number and it came up with a 49 year old female escort who promised to give you full body to body contact massage and an explosive orgasm'

I phoned my husband straight away. He said we'd discuss when he got home... 30 minutes later he got home and his excuse was that he has a foot fetish and he rubbed this ladies feet.. (which just makes me feel sick) but clearly I don't think that would be all he got up to..

Obviously he didn't get a chance to see her that time but he had been before and god knows how many other ladies he has seen.

Anyway I was devastated, furious etc, he slept on the settee for one night, said he would never ever do anything like this again and then I decided to forgive him.

He has been trying really hard since but its 3 weeks later and I am just so messed up by it all...it doesn't help that I'm pregnant and hormonal but I just cant trust him at all and I'm not sure if I ever will... Am I being a complete idiot. He is a natural liar and I just no longer believe a word he says and constantly worry about what he's up to when he is out/at work.... WWYD!??

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wonkylampshade · 20/04/2016 14:50

Get rid. This will be the tip of an iceberg Thanks

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Guiltypleasures001 · 20/04/2016 14:57

I'm so sorry op

I think first thing to think about is the amount of stress this is causing you and your heavily pregnant, somehow you need to stay as calm as possible.

Secondly you have said in your post that he is a liar has been for a while and you don't trust him, if that's the case then maybe take back control and plan for what happens when baby is here.

Having a plan can sometimes concentrate the mind and be easier going forwards, also and I hate to say it you will need to inform midwife maybe of possible sti risks from him. They can keep this confidential from him, but he might need to move out to give you some breathing space. And allow you to get your ducks in a row. Thanks

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essieestherson · 20/04/2016 14:57

Reading my post back it seems kind of obvious what I should do.. but we have a whole life together, (nearly) 3 kids and we just bought our family home...

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Seeyounearertime · 20/04/2016 14:58

What would I do if my partner had lied to me, had done God knows what with God knows who, who had covered it up, who had put my sexual health at risk when I was already vulnerable?

I would have kicked them out and never allowed them to darken my door again. Why anyone does less than that is beyond me tbh.

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Somerville · 20/04/2016 15:00

Yes, it is obvious what you should do.

But I know that's really hard to deal with while you're heavily pregnant. And I also wonder what the repercussions on you might be if you admit how little you trust him, since he already made your last pregnancy so unpleasant?

Do you have close friends or family support to call on? You need to tell them what has been happening.

And perhaps you should talk to your midwife about whether tests for STI's need repeating, for your health, and your baby's.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It's not what you deserve. Flowers

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MsMims · 20/04/2016 15:04

I'm so sorry Flowers

It's impossible to rebuild trust with a compulsive liar. You will always be second guessing, and feeling anxious. It's no way to live.

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essieestherson · 20/04/2016 15:05

I have spoken to my mum, she really hates my husband for it but constantly tells me how hard it would be to look after 3 kids on my own...(she did the same thing). I asked my husband whether I should get an STI test.. he promised that he has done nothing that would put me and baby at risk.. I am planning to get one anyway..

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timelytess · 20/04/2016 15:15

Get your test and get rid. If you stay with this man you will be constantly at risk of disease and constantly trying to work out when he's telling the truth or lying. I'm like your mum, I brought up a child alone and know how hard it is, but its better than the life you'll have with him.

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Somerville · 20/04/2016 15:22

I'm bringing up my children alone, essie. Different reasons to you, but like you, I didn't choose to be in this situation. And you know what? Although it's hard work, we're doing really well. Smile

Do you think you could go and see a solicitor about the situation with your husband?

Also, has he ever been violent?

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MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 20/04/2016 15:29

He will have only told you a fraction of the truth. He had 30 minutes to come up with a story. I think he thinks he has been terribly clever to pull the wool over your eyes. If I was you he would be gone. Three children is much easier than three children and a cheating arse.

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essieestherson · 20/04/2016 15:34

No he's never been violent. He's been quite verbally aggressive before. TBH he has a lot of issues and our relationship so far has been a real roller coaster but I put most of it down to his depression/anxiety. I think I make a lot of excuses for him and I know it would kill him if we separated... Its just a really difficult decision to make and a part of me feels like I should try at least one more time for the children's sake....

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Somerville · 20/04/2016 15:41

He's been emotionally abusive for at least several years.
He's using prostitutes.
He's been spending your joint money on said prostitutes.
He's been lying about where he is and what he's doing.

And you're the one feeling guilty...

You're a much better person than he is.

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Jan45 · 20/04/2016 15:43

No coming back from this I'm afraid OP, you will never forget or forgive, nobody would with a brain.

Sorry but you must get rid of him, he's spending family money on prostitutes and passing on god knows what to you in the process, this is not a man that is committed in any way to you so you might as well be single, least that way you might find someone who doesn't behave like a prepubescent teenager, just yuck and ewww at what he has and is doing.

So what if you are a single parent, I'd rather be that that associated with a man that visits prostitutes - he won't stop OP, he will just hide it better, this is who he is, it's got nothing to do with you or any life event, it's all about him and his self indignation and right to have sex with whoever he wants, how can you even call this a marriage, it's nothing like it.

Tell your mum you are separating, if he's a good dad then he can have shared custody.

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Chlobee87 · 20/04/2016 15:52

OP, you can't trust this man. There was another thread on here the other day where a lady had discovered her DP had been seeing prostitutes. First he denied. Then he admitted calling but not actually going through with a booking. Then he admitted going but only for a massage. Then he admitted a massage and HJ. These men will say whatever they think they can get away with. They admit to just enough so that you think they've 'opened up' but they know where your breaking point is and, since they've undoubtedly crossed that line, you will never get the full truth. Guaranteed, if you push him on it he will eventually admit to more, bit by bit. Then he'll start turning it on you - "will I never hear the end of this?", " I've said I'm sorry. What more do you want?". Or the old classic "Is it any wonder I look elsewhere when all this nagging and moaning is what I get at home?".

Yes being a single mum is hard. Yes it is a shame to walk away from a home that you love. But what a price you would have to pay! Is it worth constant second guessing? Is it worth being disrespected? Is it worth a life full of resentment and unhappiness?

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SurroMummy13 · 20/04/2016 15:59

Hun, he saw a prostitute. A prostitute.

Get yourself checked out for STD's and leave. He's been nasty and betrayed you. X

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mumsonthelash · 20/04/2016 16:13

I have been there and stayed for 2 years after finding out. He will become more and more abusive as you try and get your head around what he has done. He is living in denial of his outrageous actions. What a prince.
This will eat away at you and you will seek support from him and all he will do is sweep it under the carpet.
You need to get him to leave so you can get your head around it.
Also the being nasty to you when you were pregnant strikes a chord with me as my vile ex ignored me as he no longer fancied me when I was expecting. I didn't know why but porn and escorts make them entitled idiots.
Own your own life while you can and get rid. If he so badly wants his family he must do the changing.
Do not try to help him he must do it for himself.
He is a greedy emotionally stunted man and you deserve better.
Wish Id immediately got rid.

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Jan45 · 20/04/2016 16:18

In fact, putting aside the horrendous act of him visiting prostitutes, he still treats you like crap, walks out when he feels like it and has been verbally aggressive towards you, could it get any worse.

I am sure the kids are what is keeping you there but honestly OP, you don't need him for anything, sounds like he brings nothing but misery to your table - let him have the kids 50% of the time and go out there and live a life you want, not one that is forced upon you by such a horrible, selfish person.

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Jan45 · 20/04/2016 16:20

Anyway I was devastated, furious etc, he slept on the settee for one night, said he would never ever do anything like this again and then I decided to forgive him.

And this is no way giving him any consequence at all for his atrocious behaviours - seriously, if this was your daughter would you be happy she was living this way?

So OP, he has done it again.......I doubt he ever stopped.

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essieestherson · 20/04/2016 16:35

I have given him a very hard time about it. I found out 2 days before we took our boys to Alton towers and I didn't want to kick him out and ruin their break away because of it. He's not a terrible person, a lot of the time he is lovely caring husband and father, I completely understand that his behaviour is just not right though... It just seems more difficult to bring up now as I've been trying to forgive and go back to normal.. I think maybe i should just suggest some time apart....

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Jan45 · 20/04/2016 16:38

You have to now think of yourself OP, he's been thinking about himself for a long time now.

A hard time, he should not even be in the same house as you imo of course.

He's pretty terrible I think to do what he has done; he's also walked out on you numerous times and is aggressive, what exactly is good about him? If he's good with his children then great, he can share the custody with you.

Sorry but by the sounds of it you are just gonna sweep it under the carpet again, he's had zero consequences.

Please ask him to go, your self esteem if nothing else will be helped.

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essieestherson · 20/04/2016 16:55

General reaction on here seems to be to get rid. I know that's the obvious choice. I just wasn't sure if anyone had ever got through anything like this... My SIL found out her husband had a long affair a couple of years ago and they are still together... I guess going through a separation when I'm going to have another baby in a couple of months seems like a difficult thing to do and I don't know if I have to energy for it all at the moment. Some days I feel fine and like things will be okay but then images come into my mind of what he's been up to and I feel disgusted...

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Jan45 · 20/04/2016 16:57

Ask him to go and leave you in peace and give you time on your own to come to a decision - it shouldn't have to disrupt your life, you have done nothing wrong.

If he's as decent as you say he will go and give you that space, after what he has done it's the least he can do! He never had an affair, he's been paying prostitutes for sex, big difference.

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Somerville · 20/04/2016 17:38

You know what you need to do. But I totally understand you not having the energy to do it.

I am also worried that he might not react well if you abruptly told him to leave. Pregnancy makes you vulnerable.

So I think you need to be smart about it here. Think about what his reaction could be. And then plan how to get some separation from him. This will probably involve gathering lots of practical and emotional support for yourself.

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essieestherson · 20/04/2016 17:39

Thanks everyone for the advice. Still pretty unsure what to do as it just doesn't seem like the best time to be on my own but he really shouldn't just get away with this... I'll ask for some space and hope that my head will clear a bit. Really wish I could have a glass/bottle of wine! Always helps with decision making!

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Jan45 · 20/04/2016 17:44

Why do you even want to be with someone that is a natural liar?

That just indicates as soon as this has been swept away he will be back at it again.

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