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I thought I could bury what happened but I've become uber paranoid...

(40 Posts)
HonestApplejack Wed 20-Apr-16 14:25:11

My husband of 11 years joined a Sugardaddy site on Valentines Day and even though he was peacocking about all the young and beautiful girls he was chatting with online, I found out what he was up to on Feb 19th when he left his laptop open. I really wanted to remain calm but emotions took over and I asked him to leave. He didn't leave and justified his actions to just being curious and he felt neglected by me. Things have not been great between us ever since my father passed away and I didn't get the emotional support I desperately needed.

I kept trying to talk to him about the website and warning him how things could escalate quite quickly and we came to a turning point on Feb 24th, where we both broke down in tears and renewed our love for each other and made commitments for the future and our kids. Two days later, he was on his laptop and I jokingly asked him "if he was back on the site"? He responded with a "no"....."but there is a girl on there, who is super hot and if she says yes, then I'm booking a room next week" He was drunk but I know when he's serious and this was serious. It was the middle of the night and we argued and I left. I didn't want to drag the kids out of bed but I had to leave the situation.

I'm married to him, the mother of his children and the person who has helped to shape the man he is now and yet he said it was none of my business and he's free to do what he wants. He declared himself separated from us and moved out during the first week of March. I found out a few weeks ago that he met with a girl half my age in central London on March 10th. He's adamant that he didn't enjoy the experience at all but just helped her to orgasm (twice!!) He's had erectile dysfunction for a while now, so I know intercourse would've been non-existent. He told me everything and I even know who she is from social media accounts.

At first there was no remorse but when he sees my tears or spends quality time with our dc, he feels extremely guilty. He's declared we are all he wants and he only went down that road because he thought I stopped loving him. Needless to say we ended up having a more physical relationship since he came back towards the end of March but I'm not sure if it's instinct or my hormones but why am I questioning things all over again? He has a strange sense of humour and always has done but he's been asking my opinion on threesomes...I'm a total prude and we were both virgins when we got married, so these questions have totally thrown me!

Somerville Wed 20-Apr-16 14:33:39

I'm sorry, I have no experience here but just couldn't read this and run.

Your immediate instinct was asking him to leave and I believe that was the correct one.

Others will be along shortly who can advise you better, but in the meantime, please hear me when I say that you are worth much more than this.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Apr-16 14:34:37

Dear lord.
Why is he back after what he did?
He cheated with a sex worker and you are OK with this???

You are currently in the 'hysterical bonding' stage - look it up.
And you are desperately doing the 'pick me' dance - look it up.

Why do you think this all you deserve?
No feckin' way on this planet would I ever be back with a scumbag like this.
And now it's threesomes?! He's sounds like a right gentleman! NOT
But we are all different and this is your call.
If you don't want it then don't agree to it.

fitzbilly Wed 20-Apr-16 14:39:07

You were right to kick him out the first time, there is no loving future together after what he has done.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you deserve better!

Jan45 Wed 20-Apr-16 14:41:24

Oh my lord, what are you doing with him, he's a complete sleaze of a man, actively and meeting up and having sexual relations with young girls, just yuck and no!

Sorry OP but I'd not be in the same room as him never mind my bed, no idea why you are accepting such crap treatment, husband or father of your child regardless, he is treating you with utter contempt, get angry and kick him out again, you are not paranoid, you are reacting to someone treating you like their worst enemy, worse in fact.

Toomuchinfo1 Wed 20-Apr-16 14:48:05

I'm sorry, but he is an arsehole and you are worth so much more than being treated like that.

get out now and count yourself lucky to be rid of this 'man'.


RaeSkywalker Wed 20-Apr-16 14:53:24

I would ask him to leave. He has behaved abhorrently.

If you want to make this work, it might be an idea to pursue counselling.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, what a terrible thing to go through.

HonestApplejack Wed 20-Apr-16 15:18:15

Thank you for the responses. I was in a very dark place when he left and that really wasn't healthy for me or the kids. We've been on a slippery slope for a while and this seemed like a "reset" button but I don't think he understands how much I'm hurting. This girl was a 19yr old who is very savvy...she contacted DH the week after their meeting and told him she needed money for therapy because he didn't get an erection.

LuckyBitches Wed 20-Apr-16 15:31:00

Sorry, but he sounds like a complete bell-end and loser. LTB, I don't know you but I'm sure you deserve much better!

And I don't think it's prudish not to be interested in threesomes. There's nothing odd about wanting a committed, monogamous sex life with your husband. It sounds as though he's got your questioning yourself too much. Don't give him that.


Offred Wed 20-Apr-16 16:20:10

I'm failing to see any indication that you are paranoid in anyway.

What I'm seeing is an incredible under reaction and indications that you, sadly, are married to an absolutely horrendous man who is emotionally and sexually abusive.

What fortune that he has been rendered impotent...

Get some support to leave him; counselling to unpick the number he has done on you that has you so topsy turvy in your thinking and women's aid.

ILikeUranus Wed 20-Apr-16 16:34:34

You aren't paranoid!! He's a total cheater. Bloody hell OP, pick your self esteem up off the floor and kick the scummy fucker out. He's a total cunt.

Snoringlittlemonkey Wed 20-Apr-16 16:42:51

You know this isn't right. Deep down you know it. You are just scared to take the next step. Don't hide behind family or having kids. You are just as important and this relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy for you.

Follow you initial instincts and leave.

He's crossed the line and you let him. He has no boundaries now and has confirmation that he can walk all over you. It will only get worse not better.

This is not a good example to set your kids. Make the break and start rebuilding your life.

Lweji Wed 20-Apr-16 16:43:44

Sadly, you have every reason not to trust him.

Even just blaming you and accusing you of neglect when caught up, but never bothering to mention it before, was a red flag in that respect.
Everything else is worrying. Including now talking about threesomes.

And I don't think he feels guilty. More that he feels at risk of you leaving him, so he then tries to patch things up.

Up to you what to do. Do you think you'll ever trust him, particularly the way he's behaving?

Jan45 Wed 20-Apr-16 17:05:32

Assuming the `Sugardaddy` indicates he spends all his money on them too - his actual audacity and brass neck are astounding.

HonestApplejack Wed 20-Apr-16 17:12:33

My DH grew up admiring his grandfather (it was common knowledge he had many mistresses) over and above his own father (abusive dictator). In fact his parents betrayed him in an awful way and whilst I was helping him through that, my own father passed away.

I've read the exchanges between him and the girl....he's been feeling abandoned/unloved and she has a father who left her as a child.

I've not been an angel in this relationship...he's my first and my only (sexually and emotionally) This is so paranoia surfaces when he's having meetings / attending events for work purposes.

Lweji Wed 20-Apr-16 17:14:29

His exchanges with her mean nothing. Cheaters often complain about their partners.
The issue is that he didn't try to address it with you.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Apr-16 17:20:01

I honestly don't know where to start

Are you actually reading about and discussing your husband's sex life with teenage sex workers ?

What kind of fucked up situation is this ?

Jan45 Wed 20-Apr-16 17:23:17

So, so wrong, on every level, sorry OP but you are deluded if you think he has an excuse for this, or even that it is remotely normal, it's so not.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 20-Apr-16 17:24:41

Sugar Daddy? Unless he's got a few millions sloshing around offshore, the young and no so young women who advertise their wares charms on these sites will soon discover that he's no more than a wannabe synthetic substitute for the real thing.

You're best advised to consult a rottweiler lawyer who specialises in divorce and family law with a view to securing your marital assets before he can squander them on hot women who'll boil him alive.

Claraoswald36 Wed 20-Apr-16 17:30:31

Op are you from a different culture. This thread is nuts.

HonestApplejack Wed 20-Apr-16 17:32:46

Yes Clara....I was born here but he wasn't but we're both from the same culture and this marriage has not been a bed of roses, that's for sure!

Quityabitchen Wed 20-Apr-16 17:46:30

Love yourself and ditch this loser!! You are worth more than this. There are men out there who will cherish you, not treat you with such disdain and
Have some counselling yourself to address your low self-esteem, and treat yourself to a happy life without him.] dragging you down.

KindDogsTail Wed 20-Apr-16 17:52:51

To my mind one of the worst things he has done is to make you feel there is something wrong with you instead of wrong with him.

he said he only went down that road because he thought I stopped loving him - rubbish.

justified his actions to just being curious and he felt neglected by me nasty manipulation again rubbish.

if she says yes, then I'm booking a room next week
What sort of man says that to his wife?

Drunk not good

^ He's adamant that he didn't enjoy the experience at all but just helped her to orgasm (twice!!)^
Using this example of with being with another girl to praise his own prowess sideways to his own wife - very cruel and nasty and actually pathetic.

he said it was none of my business and he's free to do what he wants - not in a marriage worth keeping.

You are not a prude if you don't want a threesome.

No wonder you are paranoid.

You could both get counselling if you really want to keep this marriage, or you could get out after just 11 years OP with a future in front of you. I personally could not imagine another 40 of this.

Offred Wed 20-Apr-16 17:57:22

Is this culture one of those attached to a religion, which some men rely on to assert that they are allowed to abuse their wives because God says so?

Offred Wed 20-Apr-16 17:59:10

If so, and you have been raised in this same culture it explains an awful lot about how powerless you seem to feel... sad

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