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He says he's not ready to get married yet

(82 Posts)
followyourheart Wed 20-Apr-16 12:17:42

I've been with him 5 years. He's been separated from his wife for 6 years, but after much cajoling and asking finally began divorce proceedings and is divorced ( I presume as he gets all his mail sent to work and no mail comes to our house). He kept saying there was no rush. He has lived in my house for 5 years. I have asked if he will buy into my house or move to a house together, but he says that as my 3 sons live with us it doesn't feel right. When we met I made it clear that I expected to get remarried and did not believe in living with someone. Most of the time I'm fine, but a couple of times a year, (usually triggered by a lovely holiday), I just think "why won't he marry me?" Its hard to explain, its not that I necessarily want to get married, it's just that I can't understand why he won't. He says he will when the time is right, but won't elaborate what this time is or means. He says things are good and why change them. We had a row about it, and he has been at his mother's for the last 4 days. I don't want to lose him, but how can i learn to accept he won't marry me, but still feel secure in our relationship?
im 44, btw not young!

Costacoffeeplease Wed 20-Apr-16 12:19:39

Well he's made his feelings get plain, so you have to decide if you are going to accept that or not.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 20-Apr-16 12:19:46

Very plain!

StuRedman Wed 20-Apr-16 12:22:35

I can't get past him having his post delivered to work. He is not committed to you in any way, is he?

followyourheart Wed 20-Apr-16 12:23:02

you seem very certain. he says he will marry me but when the time is right. am i being naive because I'm emotionally involved?

Also, should I compromise and just live with him and accept he won't marry. He says there is no compromise because otherwise I'm pressurising him and that's not fair to him. The relationship is great, my friends say I should appreciate this and not worry about a piece of paper

followyourheart Wed 20-Apr-16 12:25:02

SRM - i've said to him several times over the years that he could get up and any stage and move on without any trouble (ie post etc). he went out and bought a picture! my friends say he is committed to me and that I should get over it!

Costacoffeeplease Wed 20-Apr-16 12:26:44

It depends how much it means to you - he doesn't sound very committed, what is the housing/financial situation?

Costacoffeeplease Wed 20-Apr-16 12:28:16

Just re-read and it's your house. Does he contribute?

There's certainly no point pressuring him into marriage as you'll always doubt whether he really wanted it

followyourheart Wed 20-Apr-16 12:28:58

i own the house, i've asked him to buy into it or that we buy a house together, but he justs says it will evolve over time

Costacoffeeplease Wed 20-Apr-16 12:29:49

If it's been 5 years and it's not evolving you've got to wonder if it ever will.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Apr-16 12:30:14

In his defence, it took me 5 years to divorce my ExH.
And... I would not get married again.
Been there and got the t-shirt.

Does he pay you rent?

Roseberrry Wed 20-Apr-16 12:33:07

Maybe he just doesn't want to get married. I think I could be OK with that but his total lack of commitment is off putting. I wouldn't be rushing to marry him if you own your house.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Apr-16 12:33:31

but when the time is right
Haha - this is one of those things that people say and they mean it.
Because for him, the time will never be right!

Leave him to stew at his mums for now.
No contact. I'm not sure how stubborn he is but he might come round if he truly loves you.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 20-Apr-16 12:34:46

Hmm. Is he actually divorced though?

followyourheart Wed 20-Apr-16 12:38:57

Hellsbells - we don't have a joint account, we use one of mine. He pays a contribution of bills and food - the name reads "(name) guest board"

My kingdom - God knows - guess I have to trust him. he's not a liar

goddessofsmallthings Wed 20-Apr-16 12:39:16

I find it distinctly odd that no mail for has come to your home for him in the 5 years that he's been liviing with you. Is he registered on the electoral roll as living at your address?

What evidence do you have that he is divorced? Has he shown you the Absolute?

As you have your own home, marrying may significantly reduce whatever financial provision you have made for your 3 dc in the unlikely, but nevertheless possible, event you pop your clogs before they come of age.

Does he have dc and, if so, how often does he see them? Even if you were hoping to have another dc with this man I can't see what advantage you'd gain from marrying him as marriage does not guarantee the longevity of, or security in, a relationship.

SirChenjin Wed 20-Apr-16 12:42:40

Sounds like he's happy just being a boyfriend - but the idea of being a husband to you is not one that appeals to him.

I wouldn't be chasing him or trying to get him back from his mums.

riceuten Wed 20-Apr-16 12:43:30

Ditch him, he sounds like a user - I am extremely suspicious that he has no mail coming to the house, and I don't believe for 10 seconds he's divorced his wife. 5 years is long enough to decide. He has the best of both worlds in the present situation.

OK, give him an ultimatum.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 20-Apr-16 12:46:09

Maybe once bitten twice shy?

If he married before with the believe it was for life then it not working out that way can really destroy your faith in the idea. Once that belief is shattered it makes you understand these things don't always work out how ever much you love someone. Therefore he may be very reluctant to comit due to a perfectly rational fear it may all collapse one day. If he joins forces with you legally and assest wise then he may fear not coming out too good (remember you have kids to support) if it fails. A fear of failure rather than an issue with you I would supect is problem.

You need to talk. Hopefully you are both brave enough to be completely honest and open with each other. I know it's not very romantic but maybe he would be more inclined with the offer of a prenuptial agreement? At the end of the day if he won't comit then you need to ask what you want in life 10 years down. If he can't give you that then you need to make some hard choices.

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 20-Apr-16 12:46:44

When we met I made it clear that I expected to get remarried and did not believe in living with someone.

And yet... He has lived in my house for 5 years hmm

If you own your house, I think remarrying would be a crap idea. I remarried, and my deepest fear is that I'll get divorced and lose 50% of my house, due to what is effectively just a piece of paper. You've both seen first-hand that marriage doesn't equal lifelong commitment, so really -- stop thinking it's important! Keep your house for you and your sons, and stop trying to cling onto this man for a meaningless commitment that ultimately could take away more security than it grants.

I feel this is part of a bigger issue -- your own insecurity over the relationship. To you, does he not appear that bothered? If that's the case, I'd say:

1) Stop telling him how easy it'd be to leave you. That honestly just sounds weird and needy. Instead, start thinking along the lines of how easy it'd be for YOU to leave HIM and find someone whose ambitions match your own. BE GLAD you're not married!

2) Start rebuilding your own life. You've lost You. Find her again. Reconnect with old friends, interests, hobbies, passions that you've let slide since he moved in.

3) Really use this break seriously to consider YOUR options.

Want2bSupermum Wed 20-Apr-16 12:50:52

When people talk listen. He is telling you he doesn't want to get married. This isn't going to change. If you want marriage I would move on and find someone else who wants the same.

His mail going to work is weird. That would make me extremely suspicious that he isn't divorced yet.

followyourheart Wed 20-Apr-16 12:51:41

writing it down, he sounds like a total loser, but he isnt, he's really is lovely and on the most committed to me. We we about to buy into a business together, which I guess shows his committment.

In his defence, he was married and I think that she kind of dragged him up the aisle, then demanded kids, they went through 3 rounds of IVF, she became very demanding of everything he did, he told me he always knew he would leave before his son was 2 and he did. she did, for a long time still control him. She would arrange for us to have his son, then say she wanted him, she would switch dates and time, he delayed his divorce because she didnt want to get upset over xmas. In the end I put my foot down and said he was spoiling our relationship and that they needed set times for access and in his defence he did. perhaps he equates marriage with control and things changing?

Twitterqueen Wed 20-Apr-16 12:56:50

As PPs have said, the whole "mail being delivered to work" thing is a mega red flag. This has been going on for 5 years? I couldn't get past this...

He is deceiving you and has absolutely no intention of marrying you.

AntiqueSinger Wed 20-Apr-16 12:58:38

Walk or end up being his comfortable parking seat. Don't waste another moment of your life waiting in suspension for a man to choose you.

TheNaze73 Wed 20-Apr-16 13:03:27

I think you should respect his wants & needs as equally as he should yours. If it's a deal clincher, you'll have to walk. I bet he's scarred after his first marriage, I was. I think he's being entirely honest in not wanting to rush in, a lot of people (women & men) get ground down into marrying too soon. Maybe that's why the divorce stats are so high. It's only been 5 years, give it time

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