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Had enough of a family member(11 Posts)
I'm new here and not sure whether I am posting this in the right topic page.
I am at my wits end with a family member of mine, she is a trouble making, bitter and twisted person, who gets her kicks out of hurting others.
I made a big speech to her a couple of weeks ago ( finally) about how she makes me feel when she does certain things. I used 'I' sentences and am really proud of myself because I didn't 'lose it' I remained in control of my emotions and I definitely owned it with the 'I feel like this' statements.
Unfortunately it would appear she hasn't taken on board what I have said, when I saw her yesterday she found an excuse for one of the things I said to her and to me it came across to me that she was blaming me, rather than taking responsibility for her actions surrounding this. I told her that what she is saying about what I do isn't true and that this is what actually happens and she went quiet. I also told her that if no changes are made I will disown her.
She is always trying to cause trouble for people in her life, when I was child she would slag my mum off big style and even as an adult she would tell me that my mum had said x, y or z about me - when she hadn't. I don't get on with my mum but I don't believe that she said stuff like the family member is saying she did.
She upset my auntie too with a comment she made about my cousin and wonders why my auntie wants nothing to do with her.
She slags her ex husband off too, she really runs him down and my mum always said she used to slag him off to her too.
She even slags my partner off too, she really runs him down, he is no saint and has done some wrong things but it doesn't give her the right to slag him off.
She tries to cause trouble between us too, she told me (and this was when my partner and myself had only just started dating ) that he said if I don't get my own way I throw a strop. He is adamant that it was her that said this and my mum ( who can't stand my partner) even said it was probably this family member that said this and is blaming him but go with your gut instinct. My gut instinct is and always has said it was this family member that said it, my partner barely knew me and it's not 'his way' iyswim.
Then yesterday we were having a conversation about something and she added a bit to this topic that she has never mentioned in the past. Basically in the past she said that my partner had become really annoyed because I was kept in a police station one night, he was angry at them for doing this to me but yesterday she decided to add that one minute he was going berserk at them keeping me in custody and the next he was saying I deserved it. Why has she never mentioned that he said this bit before? She changes her story to suit her, she changes what others say to suit her and cause trouble.
I know she isn't happy that I am in a relationship and I think she would get the flags out if we split, she wants everyone to be on their own, bitter and twisted like she is. She tried to cause trouble for my mum and step dad, my auntie and her husband and even my uncle and his partner, she isn't happy unless she is causing trouble and interfering.
She sticks her ore in where it isn't wanted and opens her mouth without thinking and doesn't seem to realise that when she opens her mouth it hurts others, she becomes defensive about her actions, finds excuses and becomes argumentative. She can't seem to put herself in the other persons shoes.
She doesn't speak to any family member apart from myself, even her precious son doesn't want to know her, everyone has disowned her and if I am honest I am on the verge of doing the same, I can't take much more of her behaviour, it really is bringing me down.
Any suggestions on how I can best do this? my thinking is to slowly stop having any contact with her, I go back to work soon so it'll be harder for her to come and see me, what do you think? anyone got any family members etc who you have disowned, how did you go about it?
Sorry this is long.
Never been through it but after reading your post I would drop her like a hot potato. She sounds unhinged and it seems you are the last family member to have contact. Disengage completely. No one needs that level of crap n their lives.
Yep, just keep putting her off. If she doesn't get the message then you can square up and her her that you have come to the same conclusion as ,x X, & X and don't wish to have anything more to do with her.
Thanks for replying. Yeah hit the nail on the head about dropping her like a hot potato. I guess I've been slowly trying to do this for some time as I have stopped going to her house. I try not to listen to her crap when she comes out with it but it does play on my mind, I have enough going on in my life without her dragging me further down.
Ask the other family members how they got rid of her. It seems that everyone except you has already been through it. They'll know what works best with her.
Personally, I'd just cut her off cold from now on. Never be available.
That's it isn't it, OP? It drags you down. People who are negative about every other person in their life are not going to add anything useful to yours.
What age is her son? That her own child doesn't see her is very telling. Does she know she has upset people, are does even a blunt "you upset my auntie x with your comment about y" not change her attitude? If she is telling hurtfull lies, that's defo not on.
From what I can gather they all just stopped talking to her, my mum moved out the county and my uncle called her and told her not to bother coming up anymore. She whinges that no-one sends her mothers day cards, birthday cards etc but I do sit there quietly and say 'and you wonder why'.
I get the feeling that my partner will get the blame for why I am disowning her, due to personal stuff between ourselves. This isn't the case, I will be disowning her because of her and the way she treats people, whether I was with him or not.
Her son is in his late 40s, my mum don't even talk to her, her own mother. She doesn't get it, she reckons all she said was 'if my auntie isn't careful, my cousin will end up like my aunties sister', she said this to my elder cousin, who went and told her step mum (my auntie)
She is telling lies about everything and everyone, why would she lie that my partner had said something, that she had, if she wasn't trying to cause trouble. He might have lied and done some horrible shit but that comment about me getting my own way, I am in no doubt that was her.
She becomes argumentative and defensive whenever you try and call her up on her behaviour, I personally don't think anyone ever has called her up on her behaviour.
You are wasting energy on someone who will no doubt never change. Disengage.
I think she is too set in her ways to change, to understand how her behaviour is causing upset to others. I am just going to drop her, she might be upset for a bit but I don't think she'll feel that way for long.
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