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I feel a failure

(17 Posts)
Jesssofia Wed 20-Apr-16 09:35:59

Hi I'm 29 married and have a toddler .
I'm. Currently going through the start of separation leading to what's looking like divorce. I actually don't know what to do .. iv got to start the process of selling our family home and I can see things between me and now the ex spouse getting tense as one we have to live together till the house is sold. And two once it's sold iv go no where to live and not enough money from the sale to support me and my toddler. I'm. Really scared .. I feel like an 18 year old leaving home for first time again. Iv lost of my confidence and independence and I'll soon have to leave my job . I'm utterly heart broken and don't know where to start or my rights etc. I'm going to citizens advice next week while my daughter is with her nanny. My parents said they are able to put a roof over my head but they can't afford us actually living there there just scraping by and to be perfectly honest I don't want to nor to I expect them to ever pay for us. Yet my father doesn't want me and my daughter to be living in like a half way house around here before we were able to be housed. Sorry I'm terrified of the thought of my future for the first time I feel sorry for my daughter . X

All0vertheplace Wed 20-Apr-16 09:40:42

There's a good thread in the 'Divorce' folder called Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge? -- worth a read. I just gave it a bump so it's right at the top of the feed.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Apr-16 14:28:36

How much equity is in the property?
Have you had it valued yet?
Have you had any legal advice?
If you are going to be your DD main carer you may get a bit more than 50% of any equity.
Does your OH work?
You will also get maintenance from him don't forget.
CAB is the best thing you can do right and you have already got an appointment so that's a great 1st step. You will be entitled to benefits and maybe housing depending on equity.
Just do it bit at a time.

Jesssofia Wed 20-Apr-16 16:37:55

He works full time. I do less than 16 hours a week due to looking after daughter. We had the house valued last year but need it re doing now .. we literally seperated last week I came to parents for a break and a think of what the hell to do. Were gonna get bugger all back for the house as we owe our deposit back to people that helped us get the house in first place. We can't divorce on normal grounds as it doesn't come under any of that so may have to wait 2 years before can divorce in that time. I'll be out of a place and house sold x

springydaffs Wed 20-Apr-16 21:13:25

I'm sorry you feel so low op flowers

I felt like a crashing failure when my marriage ended - and I was the one who left the marriage. Those feelings are grief - it just is very upsetting that all that hope and promise has come to nothing sad

Ime those feelings passed but they were very strong at the time.

I hope you can get some good support on here. One foot in front of the other darling flowers

Kirk123 Thu 21-Apr-16 22:14:33

Bless you , take it from me you feel like a failure however short or long , just breAth and take small tiny steps , I never thought I would sAy this after 26 yrs with one man , time does heal my llovely ❤️

Jesssofia Thu 21-Apr-16 22:29:53

Thank you everyone.. I know it's for the best but it was the hardest decision now I feel my daughter will suffer ..
I'm Suffering so much with feeling down right now I'm Trying so hard to be strong but she just says mummy sad and wipes my tears x

springydaffs Fri 22-Apr-16 08:25:32

Hang on a minute - I'd you can afford a nanny then there's money in the pot?

I recommend you see a solicitor -first half hour free - to get a general idea of what you're entitled to. Eg all marital assets are at least half yours, regardless who works and who earns what. You may not need to sell the marital home eg in the divorce I was awarded the marital home until my youngest finished his first degree. The courts look to protect the children above all else - you and dd won't be left homeless!

springydaffs Fri 22-Apr-16 08:30:06

Did you mean grandparent when you said dd is with her nanny?

Jesssofia Sat 23-Apr-16 10:36:34

Who said a nanny ? Lol we don't have a nanny we pay lol can't afford to take my daughter to nursery until she's old enough for the 15 hours a week free let alone a nanny .. my daughter has grandparents but both are an hour to hour and half away one set have disabilities and my parents work all the time so can't always help to look after her when needed . I'm Her main carer ..there no money in the pot till the house gets sold and by then we own a lot of money to ppl so there not gonna be bugger all left not enough for me to get a place to live x

Jesssofia Sat 23-Apr-16 10:38:06

Sorry owe* ppl money not own lol writing gets terrible on here lol x

springydaffs Sat 23-Apr-16 23:37:37

From your op I'm going to citizens advice next week while my daughter is with her nanny.

Phew, I thought I'd lost it there for a minute! I see you meant her granny!

Do you have to sell the house?

Jesssofia Sun 24-Apr-16 09:54:31

Lol sorry nanny to me in grandma lol wish I could afford a nanny that would be brilliant . Yeh we are selling the house x

Squeegle Sun 24-Apr-16 10:09:35

On the basis you will need to live somewhere, and your ex will need to contribute to his daughter's upkeep, is there no way of keeping the house until she is older?

Jesssofia Mon 25-Apr-16 08:30:03

No as we don't love each other and we're filing for divorce x be a bit awkward living on same house not good for daughter as she picks up the tension x

FusionChefGeoff Mon 25-Apr-16 08:58:44

I think the idea about keeping the house might be that he moves out but pays mortgage via child maintenance? Especially if neither of you you get any equity from selling.

springydaffs Mon 25-Apr-16 13:44:05

Geoff, are you listening love. Take a minute to take in what people are saying - which is that the law will want to ensure your child is homed and may well suggest you (or whoever is the primary caregiver) stay in the house with your daughter and the other parent moves out.

Have you made an appointment with a solicitor? You get half an hour and you don't have to pay. The solicitor will outline to you what you can expect when you divorce. I guarantee you'll be pleasantly surprised what you're entitled to. Your daughter won't be homeless and the law may well suggest she stays in the marital home. They definitely won't suggest you and your husband carry on living together when you divorce!

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