Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is this something?

(9 Posts)
Min30 Wed 20-Apr-16 08:47:11

I was recently at a work function with my husband and at the end of the night I saw something that has been bothering me ever since.

I went to the bathroom and exited the venue after everyone was already outside.

When I came out he was standing alone with another member of his team (who reports to him) and bending down close to her so I could only see the back of him. There was something about it which just seemed very intimate to me. She then hoped in a taxi and left and we continued the night and everything seemed fine.

I checked his phone and looked at their messages very briefly and at a quick glance there was nothing obvious about them but they were not all work related, some friendly texts also.

I have also walked in on a phone conversation which I believe was with her late in the evening around 10pm which again didn't sound to be anything but work related and isn't out I the ordinary but there was something about his reaction when I walked in which is again bothering me.

There is also the chance of us being moved for work in the near future and he has told me he wants to bring a couple of members of his team with him and this person is one of them.

I have said nothing to him about this but have been throwing comments out like when he is unusually nice to me it makes me suspicious and his reaction is to back away from it all together and not engage with me about it.

So nothing I can definitely put my finger on but combined these things are all eating at me. I think about it all the time and it is making me increasingly upset.

It is extremely unlikely he would risk his career and reputation and he is quite paranoid by nature so I doubt there would be anything physical going on but I feel there is the possibility of some sort of emotional connection/relationship.

I know I should probably just ask him about it but can't bring myself to...

Perbsy Wed 20-Apr-16 09:10:13

Spidey senses, there for a reason. How would he react if you voiced your unease and asked him to not take this staff member with him? Is there the slightest chance he would make your feelings a priority?

Toomuchinfo1 Wed 20-Apr-16 09:46:58

This could well be completely and utterly innocent, but one thing I have learnt is to listen to my gut feeling.

If something inside you is telling you that something isn't right, then you may have to have that uncomfortable conversation. burying those feelings, or snooping around will only stress you out more.

I think you should be up front, and ask him.

xxx

Min30 Wed 20-Apr-16 10:21:22

I did ask why he would take her and he said it's easier then replacing and retraining, I said why would she want to go and he said she doesn't have much going on outside work, he did seem to know a bit about her personal situation. She is mid 30's and unmarried. I can only assume if she's happy to move she doesn't have a partner. I have only met her once and she was ok with me, it was later that night that I saw them together.

I don't know, he is away with work for the next couple of weeks (she is not there) and I know I am baiting him with very general comments. He gets annoyed and I say why don't you just reassure me?

I have always been very secure in our relationship we have children and a relatively good life. I have been having a tough time myself lately with a few unrelated things and this is really getting me down. I feel if I say something, guilty or not it well not go well and he'd never admit it anyway.

Over the phone is probably not a good idea.

RaeSkywalker Wed 20-Apr-16 10:35:14

I think if it was me, I would wait until he was home. I'd have a proper conversation about it rather than just dropping it in, saying something like "I saw X happen, it made me feel a bit uneasy. I really wanted to talk to you about it" Or something to that effect. Then mention the other things- the phone call you overheard (don't mention that you read his texts!)

I do think it's a little odd- it could be innocent, he should be able to have female friends. However if they are friends I'd expect her to just come up in conversation, like "X saw that film, she said it was very good", etc. My DH has several female friends and we chat about them all the time. Unless of course he knows you feel threatened and so avoids bringing her up?

Toomuchinfo1 Wed 20-Apr-16 10:37:37

Sorry you are having a bad time OP, you sound quite down in your last post.

I know what you mean about it not going down well, but hopefully he will just want to put your mind at rest, as nothing is going on.

he'd never admit it anyway - assuming there is something to admit - you might be right. but you know him well, and you will know from his reaction if you have anything to worry about.

I think you should try to stay calm, and approach it carefully, but there is every chance that nothing is happening xxx

Min30 Fri 22-Apr-16 05:50:40

We spoke last night,

I have never actually said I think he is cheating but like I said earlier I keep throwing out open comments to try to provoke a discussion. Every time I do this he reacts in a way which seems guilty to me and I say this to him but he just moves on without really addressing it.

So last night he says he thinks I'm reading his reaction wrong and he feels offended when I say these "loose" comments. He says I've never said these types of things before and he finds it confusing that I have suddenly started saying these things (true) He says he's working hard under immense pressure and he takes it personally that I would infer he's out in bars picking up women. I said that's not what I inferred and that I find his defensive reaction somehow suspicious and his refusal to reassure me even more suspicious. Also, that's not what I think he is doing anyway (said this) I think he's having some sort of work friendship that crosses the line (didn't say this)

He knows I'm upset but hates having these kind of phone fights when he is away. He asked if I miss him and I said no because he knows I'm upset and is ignoring it (petulant and provocative I know)

He then went on to discuss plans for when he is back and has suggested another night out with his colleagues which I would go to also. Now I feel like not mentioning the person/incident I am suspicious of as I think he would cut me out of the night out if he though there was any chance I would behave in a way that would embarrass him in front of his colleagues. And I want the chance to observe the situation again.

I am obsessing over this I know and it's really burning a hole in me, I have never felt like this before and have always had complete trust in him (maybe naive I know but he really isn't the type) I wish I could go back to that trust level but I look at everything he says and does now as if he is trying to hide things and manipulate me.

GreenRug Fri 22-Apr-16 06:25:41

This is tough op. I have had, and still have, big issues with insecurity. If you can at all bare it I would put this girl out of your mind. Your dh presumably knows the 'deal' in your marriage, you agreed to be monogamous. It is his responsibility to police that in himself and if he takes steps to move outside that framework, there's nothing you can do to stop him, you will find out and decide what to do about it at that point. I have spent years, whole years, of my life in a constant state of hypervigilance and the only peace I can get from it is by letting it go. I don't foster inappropriate friendships or entertain possibilities of an actual relationship with anyone else so good luck to him if he does but he won't be doing it on my time if I ever found out about it, he would lose everything. You've made it very clear now what you're suspecting, you've made it clear you would consider it a big problem if you were right. Let him stew on that while he's on his work trip and leave it at that. Fwiw, I think your suspicions could be true but equally be the result of an unfortunate snap shot in time, if this girl was someone you already had on your radar then it could be a case of projecting your existing insecurity.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 24-Apr-16 16:39:04

I would definitely keep quiet and go on the next night out. Then you can keep an eye out for anything more suspicious and start talking to her. It might be they had a little flirt but obviously it's not a good idea with her being single and getting the wrong idea . It could be they just get on well but definately be slow to react until after the next night out.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now