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DH's counsellor

(20 Posts)
janaus Wed 20-Apr-16 02:46:43

Does anyone think it would be appropriate .. or inappropriate ... for me to write a letter to my H, and ask him to show it to his counsellor, and go through it with him?

I just feel that H does not "get it" how I am feeling, about cheating.

He says he does. And he is trying to help me. But he also thinks, 7 months after its finished, I should be able to just get over it, because he has stopped, changed, and yes, we are both trying to work things out.

But crying myself to sleep, or having dreams, or waking crying, after all this time.

I told H that I now trust him, accept that it happened, but I do not forgive him.
I appreciate how he is helping me, I couldnt have got this far without his help,
I realise its going to take a long time, and will never be the same.

I just want some advice on my writing a letter, or not. I don't need advice on LTB, I have had all that,

NoMudNoLotus Wed 20-Apr-16 03:01:27

Not appropriate no - it would be better for you to go through the letter yourself with him.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 20-Apr-16 04:35:23

7 months is far from being "after all this time", OP, and the hurt you feel is no doubt as painful now, if not more so, than the day you discovered his infidelity.

How did you come to make this discovery and for how long did he have a sexual relationship with an ow?

I appreciate how he is helping me, I couldnt have got this far without his help You wouldn't have had to get anywhere if he'd kept his flies zipped and it may be that you are more in need of a counsellor than he is.

If he is truly remorseful and regretful about his conduct he should be prepared to spend the rest of his life proving that you didn't make the biggest mistake of your life when you married him, and it goes without saying that he shouldn't be putting any pressure on you to 'get over it'.

Isetan Wed 20-Apr-16 06:42:43

What makes you think he'd give the letter to his counsellor, let alone discuss it with them? If you want to discuss this with a counsellor, then talk to your own, or jointly with your H and a counsellor for you both.

It sounds like you really, really want to trust him but you just don't and his inability/ refusal to acknowledge the depth of hurt he has caused you is a major stumbling block. You can not force an epiphany. If he doesn't get it, or doesn't care enough to get it, there's little you can do but face the reality of who he is and deciding if that's enough.

LineyReborn Wed 20-Apr-16 06:48:16

If he's saying things like 'get over it' then I think you need to face a very painful realisation that he's not sorry - not properly, deep down sorry - that he hurt you, he's just sorry that he got caught out and that this inconvenience is happening to him.

Are you confronting him with any consequences? Are you having relationship counselling together?

And I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It's horrible, I know.

tribpot Wed 20-Apr-16 07:01:30

It sounds like what you want (understandably) is the kind of intervention that addicts go through when those they have hurt are invited to write down how the addict's actions have made them feel and then the letters are read to the addict by the counsellor. I don't think you're wrong to want to force him to confront how destructive his actions have been, how much he has hurt you and your right to own those feelings for as long as you need to.

I think he is being disingenuous if he says "he's changed" - it's been seven months. Even a serial adulterer can manage not to cheat for seven months. He should have the humility to accept it will take far longer than that to convince you he truly has changed. The fact that he wants it putting in the past makes it sound strongly like he's in denial about what a bad thing he did - which is the slippery slope to doing it again, because he's never truly accepted the consequences of what he's done.

I would tell him that, and suggest a session of joint counselling might be helpful so that you can have a guided conversation about how you feel and the importance of him acknowledging your right to feel that way.

OnTheRise Wed 20-Apr-16 07:56:15

You could always write the letter and give it to your partner, and hope he shows his counselor.

But it might be more effective, for you, if you find your own counselor. It sounds to me as though you need support and kindness and understanding, and a safe space in which to work out your own feelings.

I hope you are ok.

Cabrinha Wed 20-Apr-16 08:07:31

I asked this on your last thread but you didn't answer: why is he going to individual counselling but you haven't started couples counselling?

If you were in couples counselling you could read your letter out to him yourself.

Why do you trust him? He's done nothing to earn that trust back yet.

Fourormore Wed 20-Apr-16 08:10:07

You need couples counselling, not individual counselling for him.

TheNaze73 Wed 20-Apr-16 08:11:14

An absolute no-no. It'd serve no purpose

PurpleDaisies Wed 20-Apr-16 08:14:00

I agree with others-joint counselling is the way forward if you can't tell him how you're feeling. Just wondering why you're not doing this already.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 20-Apr-16 08:14:40

Possibly send it to the counsellor, don't go via your husband

Yes yes find your own counsellor, and maybe ask for a couple of joint ones with him with his counsellor
Then you can ask these questions directly, I doubt his counsellor would think you need to get over it now
But if you voiced that point in a session it would be interesting to see you dh answer in front of his counsellor.

Has he given a reason to why he had the affair? Op

Cabrinha Wed 20-Apr-16 08:17:14

Oh and if he was truly helping you (not seen anything in your posts that suggests he is - not bothering with your birthday, telling you to get over it, trying to buy off your kids with money gifts in advance in case you tell them...)
Well, if he was truly helping you, you'd wouldn't post this. You'd just write your letter and ask him to read it - knowing that he wanted you to do that, that he would do anything to fix what he did.

So my advice is - write the letter. Tell him you want to read it to him a joint counselling session because no, you are not over it. And if you get anything other than a positive reaction to that, then - you don't want to hear this - LTB.

The decision that a marriage is not repairable is not based only on an affair (though it can be) it is also based on how the cheat responds afterwards. He's not doing too well.

Are you in counselling yourself?
You realise the reason you're still having such a hard time is because you're saying that you "accept" it but inside your self respect is screaming at you "no you don't! You don't accept it. He fucked someone else. That's not acceptable! Why would you accept that?"


KittyandTeal Wed 20-Apr-16 08:19:05

I cannot comment on the cheating and trust issues although I'm sorry you are going through this. 7 months doesn't seem like a long time.

I don't think it is appropriate for you to do that. The counselling will be dealing with him and what made him cheat, why he did it etc. I know you are the victim in this but the counselling will, most likely, not really be about you.

Have you thought about counselling yourself? That letter would be a perfect thing to take an deal with in counselling for you.


janaus Wed 20-Apr-16 11:57:55

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

I am totally overwhelmed by all this. The situation with husband. Last thing I ever expected after 39 years of marriage.
Then overwhelmed by so many answers.

I am having counselling on my own. I'm not finding it great.
He is having counselling, to deal with his issues.
Then we will go to couple counselling.

I have talked to him. He "listens". But I just feel he doesn't understand how it has affected me. I have written journals and notes, he has reAd.
My thought was maybe counsellor would be able to help him realise.

Honestly, I am ashamed and humiliated by it.

Thanks again, I realise his counselling is about him. Letter probably not a good idea.
I can save it for couple counselling.
Sorry, it's such a roller coaster of emotions.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 20-Apr-16 12:00:13

How would he show that he "understands"? What are you looking for from him?

Cabrinha Wed 20-Apr-16 12:01:56

When are you going to do couples counselling?
Why aren't you finding your own counselling great? Even a good counsellor doesn't 'fit' with everyone, there's no point wasting your time and money if it's not working for you - why don't you change?

I know you don't want to hear LTB, but I do think you need to bear in mind the sad truth that counselling is not guaranteed to fix this. Sometimes, things are broken and that's that. Even if he was sorry, even if he really got it - it might be that he broke it too badly anyway.

Cabrinha Wed 20-Apr-16 12:02:55

One way to show he understands would be to stop expecting her to just get over it hmm

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 20-Apr-16 12:11:12

Lovely you may have to accept that he isn't able to give you the understanding you need, no amount of counselling is going to get you to meet in the middle, if he doesn't have the emotional intelligence or tools to genuinely feel it.

If your counsellor in your eyes isn't up to it then you can change that, like you can change whether you want to stay in this relationship. Maybe don't make your dh the centre of the therapy issue, put yourself in the centre, and find out why you need all these answers, rather then accept the truth of the situation, the here and now is the truth.

He had an affair because, well he wanted to. So what's next? That's your issue now to deal with, he may come out of counselling and say you know what I want out of this full stop.

Where will that leave you op? thanks

KittyandTeal Wed 20-Apr-16 13:28:35

That's great that you're having counselling a well. If you're not finding it great id look at finding someone new, it needs to be helpful, especially now.

Taking a letter to couples counselling sounds like a good idea. Maybe once he and the counsellor have read it you can start tackling those things.

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