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Is it ever ok to kick out your pregnant daughter?

(29 Posts)
Fayla Tue 19-Apr-16 22:35:11

I fell pregnant at the age of 23.

My bf and I had just spilt up and I was living at my mothers house, renting a room (she had a very large house).

I was at college and working.

I was already almost 3 months pregnant when I found out. I'd had an abortion at my mothers request as a teenager and almost died from complications.

I decided I wanted to keep my child and she asked me to leave then changed the locks.

I went through the pregnancy alone in a bedsit with very little support.

I've worked hard, been fairly successful and have a wonderful DD. I just can't imagine ever behaving the way she did. What she did still upsets me to this day

Cookingongas Tue 19-Apr-16 22:40:34

There are many scenarios- all horrific- where I would throw out a pregnant dd. They involve crime, drugs and abuse toward me and siblings.

In the scenario you describe- no. No justifiable reason imo

228agreenend Tue 19-Apr-16 22:51:53


However, you don't say how old you are. In the past, babies born out of wedlock were considered bastards, and a lot of people couldn't accept the preganat mum or the subsequent baby. Although people's opinions regarding this have massively changed, some people still hold these outdated views, maybe for religious reasons. (Not excusing the behaviour, but trying to explain it).

I can tell you are still hurting from her rejection. Has she given a reason for her behaviour. Maybe you need to talk to her.

Well,done in turning your life around.

Finallyonboard Tue 19-Apr-16 22:52:32

I would never ever walk away from my DC in their hour of need! To me it's unforgivable.

Fayla Tue 19-Apr-16 22:56:58

No, staunch atheist and politically very liberal... This was 10 years ago.

AliceInUnderpants Tue 19-Apr-16 22:58:00

Throw her out for being pregnant? No, I don't think I would.

Throw her out for another reason? Yeah, I could.

Fayla Tue 19-Apr-16 22:58:01

We do speak, she's said she'd didn't think I was mature enough but I proved her wrong...

Fayla Tue 19-Apr-16 22:58:38

Sorry, she says I proved her wrong

CaptainAnkles Tue 19-Apr-16 23:02:15

I'm surprised you still speak to her TBH. I'd find it very difficult to still be in contact with someone who's supposed to love and support you through something so hard and demanding, who chose instead to make you (and your child) homeless.

Bogeyface Tue 19-Apr-16 23:03:16

She thought that you werent mature enough to cope with being a parent, so her solution to that was to make things ten times harder for you?! Where's the logic in that? Have you asked her what she thought would happen? Or do you think that it was her way of trying to force you into another abortion?

I suspect that in her head she made you stand on you own two feet and you have her to thank for the fact that you have done so well. However, in my view, you have done so well in spite of her.

Fayla Tue 19-Apr-16 23:06:53

Thanks everyone.

DD has asked why my mother and I don't get on.... She's done a few awful things since then which mean we are pretty estranged but my DC do see her regularly via ex (long story).

Should I ever be honest with DD over what happened? Or would this make her feel awful?

Bogeyface Tue 19-Apr-16 23:14:12

So she is a toxic control freak who is best friends with your ex, probably just to prove a point to you (he could be doing the same)?

You are best out of it.

With regards to your DD I would suggest that you say that Grandma said and did some very nasty things to mummy and while that doesnt mean that Grandma doesnt love her, she must tell you if Grandma starts saying or doing things that upset her. You dont want your precious DC to be her next victims because you have escaped her clutches.

Is there no way you can put a stop to the visit via your ex? I really wouldnt be happy about them seeing her tbh.

Fayla Tue 19-Apr-16 23:18:16

I'm going to try and stop her seeing them, it's rather complicated at the moment as ex relies on her for childcare and apparently I have no say in this legally...

I wouldn't tell DD now, although perhaps in a few years time. I'm really torn on whether to or not.

MeMySonAndl Tue 19-Apr-16 23:19:36

Mothers do strange things to try to get you to do what they think is right. When my mother heard I was getting a divorce she told me not to ever expect any support whatsoever from them. I was not expecting anything from them, which made the hurt worse.

I firmly believe that she told me that thinking that that would force me to fix things with my ex. I like my life as it is now, but it doesn't escape to me that if she had not told me that, I would have been able to return to my country with DS at that time, while now, I am not allowed to. Even so, it was for the best.

CwtchMeQuick Tue 19-Apr-16 23:30:25

My mother kicked me out when I fell pregnant at 17. If was her way of proving that having a baby would screw my life up hmm

Our relationship is now very strained, and I'm not sure what I will tell DS in the future. I try to be open and honest about most things, but I do wonder whether knowing his grandma tried to force me into aborting him will just cause more harm than good. But then equally, she did a horrible thing and I don't feel the need to lie for her.

Sorry I have no answers. What your mother did is unacceptable, but I suppose we both have to find a way of telling our children the truth without causing unnecessary pain for them.

Bogeyface Tue 19-Apr-16 23:43:18

If was her way of proving that having a baby would screw my life up

Oh the irony.... stupid woman

I get on ok with my mum now but for years I didnt. 25 years ago she sat on my hospital bed with my dad in floods of tears holding my son, telling me that I must give him up for adoption. That it would be selfish not to, that I was being cruel to consider keeping him.. blah blah. The emtional blackmail went on for hours.

For the first time (literally) in my life, i said no to my mother. She was fucking fuming. She gave us a roof over our heads though, and when she knew I meant it did really help me out. Things went down hill when the line between my mother/his grandmother got blurred and for a while I felt like my own sons sister. It took me moving out and us being almost NC for about 3 years, but eventually she got the message. I think me getting married and having other DC helped her see me as a woman in my own right and not just her DD who she could boss about. I am very close to her now, which I am grateful for.

DS doesnt know what she did and I will never tell him. But if she was still as toxic all along as she was then, then I would certainly have told him some of what happened and warned him of what sort of thing he must tell me about.

AnotherEmma Tue 19-Apr-16 23:48:25

I'm sorry your mother did that to you. There are no words really. She is clearly a horrible person and mother and I'm not surprised you don't see her any more.

Could you get legal advice on reducing your ex's contact with your children on the basis that he is using your mother for childcare?

ncnc Tue 19-Apr-16 23:49:41

My mom talked me into having an abortion after I fell pregnant not long after having dd. She told me I wouldn't cope

ncnc Tue 19-Apr-16 23:51:37

Posted too soon. She now brings it up in every augment calling me a baby killer. I can barely bring myself to look at her now.

Bogeyface Tue 19-Apr-16 23:53:52

Christ ncnc what a fucking complete, absolute, no contest, worst in the world bitch.

You poor thing. Look at her?! I wouldnt piss on her if she was on fire!

Bogeyface Tue 19-Apr-16 23:54:34

Why do you have anything to do with her?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 20-Apr-16 00:30:18

Your mother made you abort your child. (Her grandchild). She made you go through the trauma of an abortion. She's an apology for a mother. She's detached.
My dd is 17 and If she came in tomorrow and said mum I'm pregnant. I'd support her in whatever decision she made. It's called being a mum.
I'm not surprised you don't see your mother.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 20-Apr-16 00:30:47

Congratulations on your new DD, btw

Godotsarrived Wed 20-Apr-16 05:52:58

Never. We have my teenage daughter and her beautiful baby boy living with us. They will stay as long as they need & want to. It is challenging having a young baby in the house again but I wouldn't have it any other way.

tribpot Wed 20-Apr-16 06:36:08

So her reasoning is that she didn't think you were mature enough and therefore the best thing to do was kick you out of the house? Not the strongest piece of logic ever, is it?

I would tell your dd when she older - it's not her fault and I see no reason to sugarcoat her view of this woman. Your mother made a choice. She's never apologised for it, even if the 'you proved me wrong' statements are meant to be taken that way. What if you hadn't proved her wrong, what then?

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