Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How did you meet your SO? Or where do you find dates?

(32 Posts)
TrafficJunkie Mon 18-Apr-16 20:44:06

Is it really all down to this terrifying world of online dating; where half the men are looking for hookups and only thinly veiling their intentions - if at all; and the other half are so far away from you, you winder whether Tinder really bothers to factor in location, despite you setting a strict radius?

I'm coming across nothing but duffs on Tinder and I've given up on POF. On Tinder some men even complained about there being no full length photo of me. How superficial is that - so it's actually still important in your 30s if you're skinny or not? I got talking to one guy for a bit but as soon as he realised I was curvy he said goodbye. Hmph.
Are any other sites better?

I don't go to pubs. I've never met any decent exes in a pub. And alot of them were met in pubs!

I have these fantasies where me and Ideal Joe will bump shopping trolleys or try to pick up the same bunch of grapes. But it's just middle aged women with grumpy faces in my local supermarket.
Apart from one guy who works there and is so shockingly good looking he probably has 5 wives and several girlfriends because honestly, he needs to be shared for kindness sake. 😂 I would never approach him anyway. Waaay out of my league and he will say no. 😂

Seriously though, where does one meet men if not online?

whitershadeofpale Mon 18-Apr-16 20:53:30

I've been doing online for the last 6 weeks or so. Met one guy on tinder, neither of us liked the other but he was nice enough if a bit dull. Met one on Okcupid who was lovely but who was obviously very shy and insecure and had tried to hide his race confused so not for me. I've met two from guardian soulmates, one was great and I'm meeting him for a second date later in the week. I'm on my way home from a date with the other and again he was lovely, we had a lot in common and I'm sure he would like to meet again, physically he's not quite my type and I think I'm slightly put off as I'm comparing him to the other guy.

Overall, I'd say that it depends what you're after. Guardian Soulmates has, for want of a better team, a better calibre of man, but there are less options. Okcupid, you get bombarded with messages, but they're mostly crap. Tinder is good in that you can't message someone unless you mutually like each other, but you're u know next to nothing about them. POF from past experience is much like OKcupid. I have friends in relationships from all of them, I'd say really down to your willingness to pay and if you want quantity over quality.

CalonGoch Mon 18-Apr-16 21:12:30

I bit the bullet and asked all my friends if they - or more to the point, their other halves - knew any single men, and if so, could they please save me from the horrors of internet dating by introducing me in as natural a way as possible? I got quite a few interesting evenings out of that. smile I found that friends' DHs and boyfriends usually had a few single mates from university or work who were sort of on the periphery of the social circle, so I hadn't met them in the usual run of things. Didn't always hit it off they were single for a reason but they came with a bit of service history, unlike Tinder randoms, and it was easier not to follow up after a lukewarm dinner party than to negotiate the whole awkward 'so... shall we meet for coffee?' thing I found with online dating.

But it's a numbers game, really. You either need to blitz the online dating in a determined manner - find the site that most closely matches what you're looking for, and take a proactive attitude to starting conversations - or put yourself in real life situations where you can meet new people. In the end I met my DH at a local football match - again, I'd gone along with a friend and her DH for the new experience, and got chatting to the crowd they normally stood with, which included a very funny divorced man they hadn't thought to introduce me to before, 'because he said he was sworn off women for life'.

nousernames Mon 18-Apr-16 21:17:08

I might dh through a friend but out of all my friends who've done Od, eharmony and the guardian seem to be the best ones.

Trills Mon 18-Apr-16 21:17:45

Take a full length photo.

Then you'll not waste your time talking to people who don't like how you look full-length.

You can think of it as weeding out the shallow fuckers before I waste my precious time.

Trills Mon 18-Apr-16 21:29:10

It might sound counterintuitive but if there's anything else about you that some people might not like - make sure to highlight it.

If you have tattoos or political beliefs or are vegetarian or really into a particular music genre or like to do live action roleplay, make it clear.
(no particular offence intended - just an example of things that some people might find attractive and others might find offputting)

The wonderful and sadly neglected OK Cupid trends blog says that men are more likely to send a message to a woman of whom they think I like her but some men wouldn't than they are to send a message to a woman who appears attractive to everyone, I bet she gets loads of messages.

WeeTinyMe Mon 18-Apr-16 21:30:20

I met me dp at our son's football club.
I was a single mum, he was a single dad, and at the end of year presentation a mutual friend/parent of another teammate kind of planted the seed in both of our minds..
I never thought I would find love standing at the side of an under 11s football game....but I did.

CalonGoch Mon 18-Apr-16 21:39:56

Also, the thing about meeting someone in a supermarket over a bunch of grapes is that while it makes a good romcom 'meet cute' in reality it's impossible : you'd have to be Angelina Jolie crossed with Victoria Coren to be both stunning enough and witty enough to attract, then engage a bloke in the four seconds it takes to say, 'Sorry, no you first' while you're both mentally adding up the 3 for 2 veg offer in your trackie bottoms.

To meet anyone in real life, you need a situation where you have to stand next to each other for at least ten minutes, and make conversation - eg, football/rugby match, party, wedding, funeral, dog training night, neighbourhood watch meeting. If your supermarket has very slow-moving check-out queues, though, this might be a goer? But always the risk that you get chatting away only to realise that there's something really embarrassing in his/your pile of shopping and the pair of you are forced to ignore it as you stand there trapped next to a value pack of Canestan and a cucumber inching towards the check-out.

Or, go on an online dating site which focuses on the wordy bit of your profile rather than the photos, like Guardian (I did this for a while - and I had many, many excruciating conversations about what's the best coffee machine, and My Top Five Italian Directors - then just the two dates...) or EHarmony, which asks you so many questions before you even start that only people who are genuinely serious about meeting a new partner end up in your possibility pool.

stumblymonkey Mon 18-Apr-16 21:52:13

I met my DP on OKCupid.

I had 43 (yes...43!) first dates from online dating before I met my DP. I also employed a dating coach (such things exist).

Generally speaking I found OKCupid and Match had a much better range of men then POF and Tinder.

BG2015 Mon 18-Apr-16 22:26:27

Met my DP at the gym.

I had seen him on Match before but dismissed him because we were the same height!

TrafficJunkie Tue 19-Apr-16 14:39:16

So I signed up to okcupid today. I've been messaged by 3 men. One proclaiming how hot and sexy I am. Boring. One who seemed nice, picked an interest off my profile to talk about...but 5 messages in and he's asking if he "can come round and give me oral sex" in order for me to "come and take advantage of him"

TrafficJunkie Tue 19-Apr-16 14:39:41

How do you filter these idiots??

Claraoswald36 Tue 19-Apr-16 14:48:49

Met my fab partner on tinder. I only chatted with one other man.

Slowdecrease Tue 19-Apr-16 16:21:16

You do know that tinder gives you users within the radius of where you are that moment that you're logged in don't you, not a radius from your home address or whatever. This is how I ended up with my DP who lives 60 miles radius was set at 20 as was his but I was flying from the airport near his the weekend we both swiped right ...we've made it work a year and half on and happy smile

Rarity75 Tue 19-Apr-16 16:46:10

calon you should write for a living!! Canestan and a cucumber lol grin

whitershadeofpale Tue 19-Apr-16 16:49:54

Unfortunately on OkCupid you can't really. You just get a thick skin and a highly tuned twat radar.

Oysterbabe Tue 19-Apr-16 16:52:43

I met my husband on match so I'm afraid I can't help re offline.

MeMySonAndl Tue 19-Apr-16 16:58:26

How do you filter those idiots? No sexy photos unless you can deal with the remarks, don't do sexualised banter unless you are good at putting people in their place, and do not reply to ANYONE whose first message is less than 3 full sentences and includes the word sexy.

And be patient, it may take a while to find someone worthy.

MangoMoon Tue 19-Apr-16 17:03:31

Shamelessly place marking as I need to start putting myself about at some point and am clueless in this new world.

Phoeberdoos Tue 19-Apr-16 17:12:02

Have you any hobbies? Anything you always fancied trying? My DW and I met at a writing group.

MeMySonAndl Tue 19-Apr-16 17:12:54

Lovely to meet someone in real life. I remember talking to a friend who was absolutely convinced that it was mad to try OLD. So I mentally counted how many single men, more or less my age, I had met in real life situations over the last 10 years. The answer: 2

One was my boyfriend for 3 months and in all that time he proposed, introduced me to his whole family, started to plan a wedding and how to refurbish my house, just to end the relationship as suddenly over a slight disagreement on what motorway to take in a day out shock

The other one was a nice guy in my evening class, he was too shy for my liking, and that goes before saying that as the weeks passed, he started showing up with painted nails and increasing amounts of make up, but yes... he was single.

In contrast, I met probably about 30 nice men online in the same time, most of them didn't go beyond the usual "cup of coffee" as we didn't have much in common or felt attracted to each other, but I also made a handful of very good friends. Two very nice long term relationships came out of the whole experience, but if you ask me if I would do it again, the answer is NO.

Laus13 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:14:07

We met on match!
Gave us a 72% compatibility but we're spot on!
I've heard some good stuff about Bumble... Check that app out!

Glamourgates Tue 19-Apr-16 17:21:20

I've had two nice relationships from OKCupid including current DP. My plan is always to arrange a date quite quickly because I prefer face to face, also it weeds out the ones who just want to text/sext/waste time. I think if they know they are going to meet you, you become more of a real person and they are less inclined to send dick pics etc. OKC men tend to be a bit geeky which I like smile

Met two complete weirdos from POF and a very arrogant minor celeb (music producer, I didn't actually know who he was) from My Single Friend. He was the only one on MSF who didn't look like he was from the Boden catalogue.

DB recently met someone nice from Guardian Soulmates but I've never used it myself.

GinIsIn Tue 19-Apr-16 17:27:16

Another one who met my DH on Match.... I would suggest that the paid for, subscription type sites like Match and Soulmates tend to have a slightly lower pervert ratio purely because the pervs are less likely to fork out on the cost as opposed to those looking for something more significant.

niceupthedance Tue 19-Apr-16 17:29:04

I did it online. Took nearly three years <sigh>
I must have chatted to 300+ men, went on to meet nine of them. Now very happy with the perfect man for me who was from tinder. I found the process self-esteem draining but ultimately worth it. I wasn't meeting any single men hanging out with my girlfriends.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now