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Would you stay?

(12 Posts)
Afireinthewooden Mon 18-Apr-16 08:55:06

NC for this, been married 2 years to dh, around 2 month after getting married I find him looking at 'adult sites' the kind you pay someone for sex. I also found he had emailed one of these women , mostly deleted only saw hello how are you etc. swears nothing more. Now I don't enjoy sex with him, he never ever asks for it I always instigate and it doesn't last long and I feel u satisfied, could it be in traumatised by what happened or could it be he just isn't doing it for me anymore? I try not to think about everything but sometimes I come across as nasty and resentful and he says I need to stop being insecure and horrible. He wants to work it out but if you aren't right for each other is there much point?

Smorgasboard Mon 18-Apr-16 09:35:59

No, this early on, there's not enough to fight for and the promise of a future of misery. Might as well cut your losses.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 18-Apr-16 09:41:45

I'd cut my losses before you become financially entangled and have babies together and then it becomes very difficult to leave.

IF you're questioning it now, and feeling this way, I'd leave. Give yourself a chance of meeting someone who you respect and love and are compatible with.

Seeyounearertime Mon 18-Apr-16 09:43:54

I'll change the topic title to:
"Why would you stay?"

Because unless there is a very good reason I can't see why you would?

Afireinthewooden Mon 18-Apr-16 09:48:11

Sorry should of given more info we have been together 5 years and have a child and I also have an older child. We don't own our house it's rented but have some joint debts around £3000 . I can't really just leave as I don't have anywhere to go neither does he. He says I need to stop being so insecure and move on like I said I wanted to.

ILikeUranus Mon 18-Apr-16 10:10:53

He was clearly planning to cheat with a prostitute. He may have even done that, before or since, but we only know he planned to. Aside from that, he seems very unconcerned with your feelings or with taking responsibility for how you feel about his betrayal. This insistence from him that you just 'move on' without addressing how you feel is a bit worrying. He knows you're struggling with this emotionally, he doesn't really care or feel bad, he just doesn't want to deal with it (with the consequences of his actions). He wants you to act like everything is fine, regardless of how you feel, because that's what would be nicer for him, and that's what he cares about, not you. Because of this, I don't think I would stay.

Smorgasboard Mon 18-Apr-16 12:32:49

I still would not hesitate to leave, but I am not you. For me the trust would be gone and I could not think of a valid reason to do what he did within months of marriage. You are 2 years on from the discovery and still with him and still reeling from it - which is normal, and understandable.
It's not up to you to 'get over' and magic up some secure feelings, the ball is entirely in his court now and it's up to him to do his best to save it. Does not sound like he has taken responsibility and just put it all on the innocent bystander - you.
Your best chance for improvement, while maintaining the relationship, is to make it clear that it's his job to convince you that he will not be making a repeat or crossing any other boundaries you have.
If he is unwilling to put the effort into rectifying his bad choices, just how bothered is he about the relationship? Shows a total lack of respect for you.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 18-Apr-16 12:48:24

In that case I've be setting things in motion to leave.

This man sounds vile.

Afireinthewooden Mon 18-Apr-16 15:59:12

He's said sorry a lot for hurting me but refuses to admit he done anything. I'm hurt he's even considered sex with someone else. I could never do that no matter how unsatisfied I am. I don't know what to do, I admit I'm very insecure, but he gets very annoyed by it

Seeyounearertime Mon 18-Apr-16 16:03:03

he sounds like a wonderful person and i can see why you're with him...

I admit I'm very insecure, but he gets very annoyed by it

He should be helping you, he should be reassuring you, he should be backing you up. he isn't, find someone who will.

RaeSkywalker Mon 18-Apr-16 16:08:42

I'd leave, you clearly aren't happy and haven't been for some time.

However, If you want to give it a go, could you look into counselling?

Jan45 Mon 18-Apr-16 16:36:00

Nope, he's sniffing around looking to do whatever with other women 2 months after marrying you and then makes it all about you and your insecurities.

He's a waste of time OP.

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