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Mr Nasty is back. I knew it wouldn't take long but it's harder to control now he is gone.

(47 Posts)
HoppingForward Sun 17-Apr-16 22:18:24

Married 15years. He really doenst understand just how ea he was and the damage caused during the last few years. I've known since 2012 it wasn't working, I tried hard to please and placate him, eventually that one last episode happened and I managed to get him to leave.

He 100% believed I would take him back again like I did before but we are nearly 3 months down the line now, there is no way of going back. 1 DC wants nothing to do with him for her own reasons and because of what happened that last evening and what she saw of it. Other DC see him every other weekend although he has rented out of town and there is a lot of traveling involved. I hope in time they all build an independent relationship but it will take time. He can't see this and blames it all on me.

He has done Mr Nice, offering to pay for things, I have declined. He has been Mr Regret, can't cope never apologised for his part in the marriage breaking down I've seen Mr it's all my fault, why am I doing this. I blocked him during that one and now after no contact all weekend to DC who has her own mobile so no reason why he can't text her for her to reply I've now got Mr Nasty making his appearance.

He wants me to take my name off of the joint bank account. My salary is paid into an account I opened in 2012 of which he can't see. I can still see our joint bank account which he has a problem with and wants me to sign it over to him but I don't know if that's the right thing to do as our mortgage (joint) payment is made out of that account. I'm not saying I won't do it but I want to see if it's the right thing to do before I'm forced to sign it over. He sends text messages that he will bring the paperwork over, it needs doing today, it's all so controlling and do it now.

We agreed together that I wouldn't apply for CM directly through the agency and he would pay the mortgage on the house that I'm living in with the DC. This is now seen by him as "paying for the roof over my head" "living in his house" I've reminded him that it's the CM payment he would be paying and if it was paid to me as CM I would just pay the mortgage with it. I have spoken to the mortgage company and I could look at a financilly agreement to re adjust it as I'm now on my own with the DC and earning ok ish, it's tight but with the CM payment and my salary I could stay in the house but as its joint mortgage I don't know where I stand with it all yet.

I've now received messages threatening me to not treat him like a mug or he will behave like one. I know he could be really difficult and no doubt he will be especially with 1 DC refusing to see him (12yrs old]) he could easily just not pay the mortgage and I will have to go through CM.

It's all about the control and it's soo draining, I just don't know where to start.

Nerdygalwithabook Sun 17-Apr-16 22:22:20

My DM had a similar situation and she had to get everything in to her name. So maybe paying mortgage on your own but claiming CS from him? She changed the house to her name. Paid her own bills etc. It's a toughie but if he is controlling maybe YOU need to regain control. flowers Flowers for you

RandomMess Sun 17-Apr-16 22:26:55

Hmmm well just no.

There is no need for you to take your name off that account - he opens his own account and moves everything over if that is what he wants to do...

You need evidence that the mortgage is being paid and he's not about to financially screw you by it ending up getting repossessed.

Stay firm.

Sorry to hear about your latest chapter.

But happy to hear from you. smile How are you keeping, in general?

HoppingForward Sun 17-Apr-16 22:34:52

That's what I thought although my salary isn't being paid into that account surely as a married couple it's still "our" account. I should feel forced to remove my name.

He hasn't bought a payslip home since Sept last year and I know he is due a bonus, high ish earner. I don't want or need his money I just want to be secure knowing the amount we agreed on ( based on the online calculator) is being paid each month and the DC are safe here for now.

He can be so nasty, I know he would think nothing in writing us off and leaving us high and dry, I need to protect the DC from that, he thinks I am turning them against him but he is doing that all by his self. He called to speak to our youngest, spent 2 seconds on the phone before asking to speak to me. I told him it wasn't appropriate and not the right time but he ranted and raved down the phone about driving nearly an hour away for me to sign his forms on a Sunday. They knew he was having a go and now dint want to see him next weekend, it's such a mess.

HoppingForward Sun 17-Apr-16 22:39:32

preemptive in general I'm doing ok smile take DC and him out of it all for a second and I'm (ME) feeling much more positive, work have been amazing about it all and are so supportive. DD1 & 3 are flourishing with our new home life. DD2 not so much but she will get there.

He hates that we are coping better without him here, we are surviving and he hates it. There is still a long road to travel but I'm hoping it is a happier one, I'm even looking at booking a holiday, something he would never do as it would be to stressful taking DC away.

HoppingForward Mon 18-Apr-16 08:19:31

Not looking forward to today at all. His last messages are saying he will turn up at my work.

I've told him not to and I'll tell reception I'm busy all day but it's still building a knot of tension.

SassyPasty Mon 18-Apr-16 08:26:44

Get yourself to a solicitor. Do not agree ANYTHING with him and him alone flowers

averythinline Mon 18-Apr-16 08:33:34

Have you started the legal process? Sorry haven't seen your earlier threads ..but think you're going to go formal to reduce his control levers..I wouldn't want a joint account with him he could completely screw you with getting lots of dodgy credit etc or mucking about regarding the payments. Please sort out your financials so are separate at least..

.my f was absolutely crap to my mum re money after they split...no cms then so ended up with bugger all in the end....he could never see it would affect his relationship with us..he was wrong..

For today would text back(for evidence) you are busy all day he is not to go to your work he will not be let in... If he does turn up I would call 101 as he is harassing you....would suggest you talk to woman's aid or the Woman's legal organisation to get yourself a SHL

but also def book holiday so you have something to look forward to flowers

mamas12 Mon 18-Apr-16 08:38:03

He is a bully and unfortunately being afraid of him will wear you down so you need help
Phone a solicitor this morning to get the facts straight
Really make sure that reception know that he is not allowed in to see you, inform security if you have them, and also key people if you think they will be sympathetic. Remember his behaviour is not your fault it is all,down to him.
You have done so well with your dcs time for reinforcements now

FinallyHere Mon 18-Apr-16 08:51:43

Sorry you are going through this.

Of course he wants to keep your agreement informal, so he can continue to exert control over you. I'd strongly encourage you make it all formal, so the CM people can chase him if he doesn't pay up as directed (note: not agreed, directed by the law). And disentangle, no joint financial arrangements etc. Imagine what he could do, running up debts on that account if he wanted to make your life difficult, you would be jointly and severally liable for any debt on that account.

Some legal advice would be very helpful for you at this point, to map out the next steps for your life. All the very best.

summerwinterton Mon 18-Apr-16 08:54:38

You need to speak to a solicitor and Women's Aid and prob Police too. He can't just turn up at your work like this nor can he force you to sign anything. I would block him on your phone too and have contact via a solicitor only

Costacoffeeplease Mon 18-Apr-16 08:58:28

Definitely get everything on a formal, legal footing and get to a solicitor for advice. I would have thought separating yourself from him in every way would be safest, but you need to get proper legal information, and start the CMS process so he no longer has a hold over you re the house

JeanPadget Mon 18-Apr-16 09:16:43

I agree with everything previous posters have written, but would just add that you should make sure the joint account has no overdraft facility. Contact the bank today to sort it out and get the name of the person you spoke to.

mummytime Mon 18-Apr-16 09:37:01

Get legal advice!

HoppingForward Mon 18-Apr-16 11:00:04

There is no overdraft on the joint account. I don't have an issue with signing it over its just the way he goes about it!

DC heard him ranting down the phone, I pretended it was all ok but they aren't silly and DD2 is flat out refusing to have anything to do with him which is heartbreaking all round but he blames me and accuses me of turning them against him. It's so draining, he won't take any responsibility for his part in this mess.

I think I will give the out reach worker a call, I haven't spoke to her for ages and she was very supportive in the early days. Money is very tight for me and the solicitor wants £120 so I will have to look at that and find time to go as well as working and the DC.

HoppingForward Mon 18-Apr-16 20:22:18

Fortunately he didn't turn up at work today and only have one pa text telling me to tell the DC what he was ranting about, which I won't be doing. I didn't reply.

He has now started sending text messages to our 14yr old instead, messages asking why she has text him and asking if she is going to be like me and her sister and ignoring him. He has no idea how damaging that is for their relationship, which is of course all my doing.

RandomMess Mon 18-Apr-16 20:34:30

Urgh ask the girls if they want to block his number from their phones etc.? Suggest that they may prefer to just use emails with him so it's easier to ignore it (as if they are like mine it's all snapchat, texts and so on rather than email).

What an utterly vile little pathetic "man" he is. So well rid!

I really think it may be better if you claim CMS so that it is in your control to ensure that the mortgage is paid? You definitely need legal advice.

BG2015 Mon 18-Apr-16 20:36:14

I was in a similar situation to you with a joint account and mortgage when I split from my partner. We both had our salaries paid into single accounts and then money was paid into the joint account (equal amounts ) to cover the mortgage.

I couldn't take on the mortgage as it was too large for my salary alone to cover and needed to sell to release the equity, all of which was mine.

The house took over 12 months to sell and my ex stopped paying the mortgage 7 months after he left. I was forced to take in lodgers to cover his half of the mortgage.

You need to seek legal advice and get something in writing about what he pays.

If you want to be totally free from him, I'd sell up and buy your own place and just receive CM. He will use the mortgage/ house as a form of control. He's already doing it with his mild threats of 'the roof over your head' etc

HoppingForward Mon 18-Apr-16 21:02:10

I know you are all right but if I go for CMS via his sLary which I think is the safest way to proceed he will be livid. As far as he is concerned he has done nothing wrong, I'm completely unreasonable and everything is my fault.

If I continued with the CMS payment which I started back in Feb I could afford the mortgage as well as th bills. I could even get a reduction on the mortgage due to my salary amount and age, again he hates this.

How do I find a shl? I'm scared I will end up throwing money I don't have down the drain.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 18-Apr-16 21:10:07

Does it matter if he's livid - he's hardly mr sane and reasonable now? You can't live with him holding the strings all the time

RandomMess Mon 18-Apr-16 21:16:04

Why do you feel that you need a SHL?

For now you just finalise the CMS and tell him that you will continue the mortgage payments for now and that some arrangement will need to be made regarding his share of the equity from the marital home.

SHL or not you would have to go through mediation (even for it to be recognised that he is too abusive for it) prior to court. The courts would want the DC housed. Pension claims are an issue though.

Local womans aid may have solicitors that are good at dealing with abusive partners?

HoppingForward Mon 18-Apr-16 21:20:39

I'm just so bored with it all and I have so much to do.

He is saying he wants to stay amicable and keep it between us but then sending veiled threats about not treating him like a mug.

I'm not, I'm only thinking about the DC. I could afford to stay here if I spoke to the mortgage company and completed an expenditure form, his CMS payment would cover the mortgage and I would then cover the bills and everything else daily for the DC.

buzzpop Mon 18-Apr-16 21:23:05

Please try not to worry if he will be livid... He has you well trained and that is another form of control.

You do not have to appease him or make things comfortable for him, you are doing what's right for you and DC ( and doing a bloody good job of it under horrid circumstances ) that btw HE is responsible for.
I think he would blame you not matter what you did.
Take control of your life back, protect yourself legally, you are doing great and your DC are very lucky to have such a protective Mum thanks

HoppingForward Mon 18-Apr-16 21:32:43

Should I just go ahead with my existing claim with the CMs then? That will completely tip him over the edge. I appreciate I'm feeling under his cloud and can't make my own decisions.

Should I go ahead with letting the mortgage people know and see if I can adjust payments to suit our situation, surely I will need him to agree to it as joint owner!

There are other things like my car being in his name and him cancelling the DD for car tax, he offered to pay 6 months road fund licence for me where I would prefer to take it over as a DD. I would like to sell the car for a smaller, more economical one but haven't a clue how to do it.

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