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Emotional abuse day in, day out(17 Posts)
I feel that it is starting to drive me insane and I am feeling a bit anxious to be honest. I don't have any support so I question myself constantly.
It just seems that he LOVES to upset me. Make me feel left out, kicked to the curb, stupid, ugly, unattractive.
He has such a good way of looking genuinely shocked when I suggest that he is trying to upset me and then calling me odd, weirdo, not right in the head. It's all in my mind. I need help. Then he says he is going to tell everyone what I just said so that they can laugh at how ludicrous it is that I thought that and realise how paranoid I am.
Then I think that maybe he has a point.
When I say he is trying to control me he laughs and says that he couldn't give a flying f* about me and need to get my head out of my arse. When I say he doesn't ever consider my feelings he said its because he genuinely doesn't care.
The main thing he loves to do is make me feel left out/unloved/despised at times (if he can be bothered to care) and not needed.
The other day he was all woe is me because I am too thick to have an interesting conversation with apparently, and he wishes he could speak to someone more on his wavelength. He was really pissed off and grumpy about that.
Sorry this is all a bit of a rant and doesn't really lead anywhere I just wanted to get it down and out of my head. And wondered if anyone else had similar experiences like this? Almost the opposite of control in the way that it's just a complete lack of caring. That's why it confuses me.
I am tired and feeling there is not much left to chip at.
Also reading back I sound like I am exaggerating.
Can't see a way out because I have no right to stop him from entering our shared home. Have one ds together too.
How old is your DS?
Make notes of comments. Speak to a solicitor. Speak to Women's Aid.
There will be a way out.
So sorry froggy. Lot's of us on this board have been through emotional abuse.
I'm coming out the other side after a very tough divorce but doing so much better alone. And I feel far less alone than in that awful marriage.
Things that helped me as the start of getting out..and recovery.. Writing things down. Be v careful not to let him find it but I kept notes. I spent hours and hours writing down the nasty things he'd said and done. If I ever doubted myself, I read it. There is so much of this stuff that I would forget loads of things.
Tell people what is happening. One of the most important realisations for me came when I spilled my heart out to my dog trainer, almost by accident. She is someone I respect but not a close friend. She was amazing. Reacted with absolute certainty about what was happening and was horrified.
The strength of her reaction was a real jolt for me. We minimise and rationalise when we're in it.
Do you have family /good friends? Women's aid are always there to listen too.
These bastards are exhausting to be around.
You can't get through to him or fix things because he doesn't want to.
He seems like he doesn't love you because he doesn't.
That is very hard to hear, I know. But once it makes sense, you can work on getting you back. The confused state the abuser keeps us in is where they want us. It's about control.
Read lundy bancroft. Read up on narcissistic abuse. See if any of that rings a bell for you.
Separation, or divorce as the case may be, all involve setting up separate homes where the former partner has no right to enter. You won't be the first and you won't be the last to split a once-joint life.
So don't say there is no way out: there is. Go get legal advice and arm yourself first with information, and then an action plan. You can do it.
He's gas lighting you. He's making you think it's your fault or you're going mad, but it's not. It's his. Look up Narcisstic Personality Disorder, as suggested by ConfusedNoMore. I'm guessing you'll find a lot that makes sense. If you do, then run. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200. Just get out, and remember, this is not your fault, none of it. He's not going to change, and he's going to wear you down. I nearly got sucked in to a very similar situation, but I knew in my heart of hearts that I was fine, and that I wasn't stupid, or boring, and I walked. It took an heroic amount of strength because he was attractive and charming and funny (when he wanted to be) but he wasn't worth my sanity or self worth.
Agree he won't change. You will continue to question everything you believe. Your DS will grow up watching this.
You need to start planning your exit.
Even leaving all the other stuff aside, why would you stay with someone who says that he couldn't give a flying f* about me? It seems to me he's given you an excellent way out with that comment. Instead of trying to get him to see what he is doing to you, tell him to sod off. I appreciate it isn't that simple - are you dependent on him for money? - but you can make the decision to end the relationship and take it one day at a time from there.
Find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ and call as soon as possible.
The damage that is being done to your ds is incalculable and I beg you not to add to it for a minute longer than is necessary to break free of your verbally and emotionally abusive tormentor.
Please ask Women's Aid help you to end this toxic relationship before he causes you to doubt the very ground you walk on. You are worth so much more than this and the welfare and wellbeing of your ds is beyond price.
Your situation is awful; please get some legal advice asap - its free here, www.thefamilylawpanel.org and as the previous person suggestion, go to Women's Aid, give them a ring they have a fantastic support tea.
You need to put yourself first.
Thank you all for your supportive comments. Ds is toddler age. I spoke to women's aid again and they said to should just bolt the door. I dont know why but that just doesn't feel right...it feels a bit extreme and he will get really shitty. He does have another address as he moved out over a year ago. But he still has a hold on me. He wants to see his ds. I understand that.
So he'll get shitty. That's what shitty people do, when you set boundaries with them. Doesn't mean you shouldn't bolt your door anyway.
It's not extreme, it's keeping you safe in your own home. You have the right not to be verbally and emotionally abused by him, you know?
He can still see his DS. Just at a contact centre, like other abusive people do.
I would hug you. I have been in the similar situation and I put an end on it. I am divorcing.
First important thing, it is NOT you. He is wrong and manipulative and he is destroying you. He is destroying your self esteem and he is treating you like shit. That's what my husband did. I kept a diary log, I have been counselling for nearly two years, I have built a circle of friends who can nurture and support me.
Don't let him get to you never!
You don't live with the father of your ds but you're letting him into your home so that he can
treat you like dirt berate and demean you whenever he wants? How does he see ds and are these visits planned in advance or does he simply drop in unannounced?
Do you intend to act on the sound advice you've been given by WA and if not, why not?
Text or email him to the effect that he's not welcome in your home and, as you're not prepared to meet with him at any time, if he wants to see his ds can do so under supervision at a contact centre as suggested by Smegs where what he says to, and in front of, the child will be closely monitored. Send him this link www.naccc.org.uk/ and tell him to make the necessary application and pay all relevant fees.
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