Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Helping a friend escape

(7 Posts)
EscapeTime Sun 17-Apr-16 20:42:27

One of my friends has been in an abusive relationship for a long time now, and it's been ramping up.

There's a group of us who've been talking to her, persuading her that how she lives isn't normal, and that she deserves better. We think he's noticed a change in her since she's been talking to us, and has started to really escalate his behaviour. He hasn't hit her, so she's struggled to accept that she needs to escape, but she's starting to talk like it's a possibility.

He controls the finances, so we've been putting money aside for her where we can, and she knows we have this fund waiting for her.

Between us we have the means to get her out of the house and away to somewhere he can't find her. It is possible we might need to whisk her away very soon, so I just wondered if you could help me figure out a checklist of things she will need to do/know that we could help her with.

I'm trying to keep this fairly vague, and have NCed just because I want to eliminate even the smallest chance of him finding out what we are planning.

She is married, and they have a few small children (all under 5) who are home ed.

What practical steps will be needed after we've got her out?

And how is best to deal with him wanting to see the children? She won't want to keep him from them, he's a lazy parent, but not actually a risk to them (as far as we know). At the same time he is a risk to her, mentally rather than physically - though I wouldn't like to take chances there, and he has previously threatened to stop her seeing the kids (eg. trying to use her mental health against her - she struggles with depression surprisingly hmm)

She is currently terrified of the confrontation and how he will react if she does take the kids. Are there options where he could see the kids without her having to see him? And without him being able to snatch them?

Makemineacabsauv Sun 17-Apr-16 21:16:31

She is lucky to have such good friends willing to help like this. Perhaps you could contact Women's Aid and ask them. Good luck.

Marmite75 Sun 17-Apr-16 22:09:47

You're wonderful friends!
Make sure she has Birth Certs for all kids plus hers. Passports if they have them. Proof of previous address invade she needs to contact bank. Any toys/special cuddly type soothers kids need.
Any prescription meds plus a repeat prescription as it can take a few weeks for gp notes after registering.

Good luck

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 17-Apr-16 22:42:08

It's great that you care so much, but please bear in mind that she needs to be in control of when and how she leaves.

She may not do it on your schedule. She may go back and forth. You may find this very frustrating if you've gone so far as to prepare an escape fund and safe house for her.

Victims of abuse do need support. The best kind of support allows her to find her own feet, and her own confidence to take action. After all, she's already had someone make decisions for her for far too long.

EscapeTime Sun 17-Apr-16 22:49:25

Rice Oh absolutely, we aren't forcing her, it's all in her hands. But she has told us she doesn't feel like she is capable of handling all the practical stuff, and has said she'd feel more comfortable with us helping her with that side.

We're there for her no matter how long it takes, or if she never leaves. She's been let down for far too long.

EscapeTime Sun 17-Apr-16 22:52:23

Forgot to say, also done the back and forth from an abusive relationship - luckily pre-kids, so I get that. A few of the others have done the same. So we get where she is right now, it's why we want to be able to relieve some of the pressure.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 17-Apr-16 22:53:29

Oh that sounds good, if she's delegating practicalities, it means she's enlisting support and building a way out.

I think you'd best get legal advice for the questions in your OP. WA might be a good first port of call.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now