Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Could/would you or has anyone dated a sex offender?

(140 Posts)
WTAF Sun 17-Apr-16 19:15:11

Really not sure where to start! But can't talk to RL people about this so here goes.

I met a guy online a little over 3 weeks ago. Instant connection with chatting, met him after 4 days of non stop messaging and the connection was there in real life too. Which as anyone who has done online dating will know, is rare. And was great! Both of us very surprised but glad to have met each other. We've seen each other every other day since then, so I guess about a dozen times. We've been out, he's been to my house, I've been to his. He's definitely single, which after a cheating ex and a MM from online dating, is obviously something I make very sure of!

He has 2 kids with his ex-wife, and sees them every other weekend. They split about 5 years ago. It came up in conversation one night about a week ago about why I'd split up with my sons dad (I have one DS, aged 7) and I was very honest, told the full story. And then asked him why he'd split from his wife. He went a bit weird and said he'd tell me one day, but wasn't ready to yet. So I let it drop, but of course started to wonder why he hadn't just said. So last night I had a few to drink while we were out, and once we got home I asked him again. He still didn't want to say but I pushed it and he gave in, and told me the full story. Or what he says is the full story.

Don't want to go into huge detail here but basically, he is on the sex offenders register. He was unhappy with his wife, started talking to people online, met a girl in a chat room, and there was some sex chat I think, before she said she was 15. They met up one day, with plans just for coffee, and kissed. He says just kissed. Someone that knew her saw her and reported it. He says. Ultimately he was charged with grooming (because of the previous sex chat) and sexual activity with a minor. He didn't go to prison (he says) but he's on the register.

So wtf do I do now? I'm not in love, and am therefore capable of rational thought! I don't know if he's told me the whole truth, and how would I ever find out? And even if I could, the fact I don't trust what he's said probably isn't a good sign is it? I feel the fact he knew she was 15 before he met her, and did it anyway, makes a huge difference. He says he was very depressed in his marriage and sounds like he was in self destruct mode. I feel horrible for ending it over this because it's obviously something he hugely regrets and is desperate to move on from, but I just don't know if it's something I can live with. I have nieces and friends with young girls, I want to believe he's a good person who made one incredibly stupid mistake but what if it turned out he wasn't?

So many unknowns. 3 weeks in, I should just get out shouldn't I? I think writing this out has almost answered my own question. But how do I tell him kindly? He's going to be absolutely gutted and I'm not good at dumping at the best of times. What a mess.

LaGattaNera Sun 17-Apr-16 19:18:17

I have suffered from depression as a result of unhappy relationships but even in my deepest lows, I would never have contemplated meeting a 15 year old - not for coffee, not for a chat - not ever. Sorry. It would be a show stopper for me.

Obliviated Sun 17-Apr-16 19:18:29

Not a chance in hell.

Plus, what would the consequences be of having a relationship with a registered sex offender be when it comes to your child? Social Services involvement?

FellOutOfBedTwice Sun 17-Apr-16 19:20:05

Sorry, I doubt it stopped at a kiss and TBH even if it did, you should be running for the hills.

rumred Sun 17-Apr-16 19:20:27

People tend to underplay offences. But even if he isn't he did groom a child, knowing she was a child. Would you do it? It's utterly wrong. In my opinion: Get rid now. What's depressing is that someone will take him on. But that's not your problem.

FannyFifer Sun 17-Apr-16 19:21:22

I would guess that is what he thinks is the "tame" version of events & what actually got him on the sex offenders register is far far worse than what he had told you.
Have you googled him etc
I would never contact him again.

mudandmayhem01 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:21:55

Run away, any man who meets up with a 15 year old girl after sex chat on the internet is a wrong un. Also he is probably minimising massively.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Sun 17-Apr-16 19:22:31

No.no no.no.no no.no no.

Creampastry Sun 17-Apr-16 19:22:35

Walk away ffs

jayho Sun 17-Apr-16 19:23:45

no, run

tribpot Sun 17-Apr-16 19:24:21

And how old was he when he was kissing this fifteen year old girl at the end of his marriage? Not 17 I would wager.

He has told you the best possible interpretation of what happened and the odds are not high that it's true.

I think you need to tell him the truth, that you absolutely cannot accept what he has done and unfortunately you need to end the relationship. It can hardly come as a great shock to him, who the hell does want a relationship with someone on the sex offenders' register?

Newes Sun 17-Apr-16 19:24:46

Just tell him you cannot be with anyone convicted of a sex offence. He's going to have to get used to being told that, with a bit of luck.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Sun 17-Apr-16 19:25:29

He "kissed" a child after talking dirty with them online and despite knowing they were a child. You already know what you need to do here

Ughnotagain Sun 17-Apr-16 19:27:29

Not a fucking chance.

Even if you didn't know someone was 15 when you started chatting online, I'm sure it would become pretty apparent when you met in person.

WeMustSurelyBeLearning Sun 17-Apr-16 19:28:02

Sorry but I can't believe you are even asking about this. You've known him for 3 weeks, run away now. He met up with a girl knowing she was 15. He is a sexual predator, don't buy his excuses. He is minimizing it.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 17-Apr-16 19:28:25

It's all a bit full on for a few weeks isn't it? I guess he was hoping to get under your skin before telling the truth.

And then hopefully you'd overlook it to see the true him...

The one that thought it was absolutely fine to meet a 15 year old girl for "coffee".

Please end this now.

Ughnotagain Sun 17-Apr-16 19:29:52

Oh I just re-read your post. He knew she was 15 and met her anyway?! Run a fucking mile.

WellErrr Sun 17-Apr-16 19:31:15

So wtf do I do now?

Erm, run the fuck away hmm

Seriously, do you really have to ask this?

MuttonCadet Sun 17-Apr-16 19:31:55

I think this will be unanimous, please don't have anything more to do with this man.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 17-Apr-16 19:32:06

He knew she was 15 and still met up with her - run!

iMatter Sun 17-Apr-16 19:32:08

Does your son live with you?

Carry on a relationship with a CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER (ffs) and he won't be living with you much longer.

What this man is telling you is probably 10% of the truth.

GlitteryShoes Sun 17-Apr-16 19:32:24

You could ask him if you can meet his Probation Officer or whoever manages his registration and see how he responds. I bet the real story is very different to what he has told you sad

ASAS Sun 17-Apr-16 19:32:29

Hopefully the MNer who is a court transcripter will be along soon to tell you how (generally and specifically) these specimens down play their offenses.

Fuck, when did 15 year olds become such fair game.

Incidentally, the fact you're posting shows you know yourself you want rid. You met him ONLINE! Hoe could he be sure he was chatting to a child.

annandale Sun 17-Apr-16 19:34:05

If it were just me involved, i would ask if I could talk to other people who know him, eg his ex wife, maybe a transcript of the trial? I would make it clear that this remains on the table to talk about, any reluctance to share or lies and I'd be gone.

It's a bloody huge risk to take with kids though.

arsenaltilidie Sun 17-Apr-16 19:34:18

What he is telling you is probably the tip of the iceberg.
I can almost guarantee it wasn't the first time meeting with a minor.

Importantly why would you want to bring such a person around your children.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now