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How to get past resentment(8 Posts)
Me and dh have been together 10 years, married 3. Dd is almost 2.5.
Im from the south and he's from the north and we met during uni in his home city.
He was my first partner and when uni finished I lacked the self confidence and belief to return home under the impression that he would follow.
I convinced myself that he wouldn't come with me so stayed up north. Shortly after all my friends left and I became isolated and low. I went through a period of depression which I have been free from for about 7 years.
The past few years have been hard. He struggled being a parent and has only really recently become confident being a dad. I havent helped and have been critical when I shouldn't be, but he gets frustrated easily and can be quite short with dd (will sometimes tell her to shutup)
He had a time consuming job so I felt alone looking after dd yet he always made sure he had time to go out once a week with friends.
Then last year I almost left him after an emotional affair (on his part). In hindsight I should have been stronger at the time and made him move out to enforce what he had done to me and the family and then it would've been on him to prove himself instead of me being so forgiving.
Then he lost his job and has been out of work since. It's felt like he hasn't really tried to get out of this rut we are in. I get its hard but there is a family to provide for and at the moment I am the one doing all the budgeting to keep us afloat on one salary.
From my perspective it feels like for almost the entirety of our relationship I've always been the one to "give" on the big things. I severely miss my family and just want us to be near them and he knows I feel this way. I wish I could turn back time and get him to have moved years ago but now it seems hopeless.
His parents are pretty unsupportive in the way we would like and mine are the complete opposite. I wish dd could see them more and play with her cousins who are also close to my parents. I feel so far away.
I feel likes everything in my head is annoyed that we live where we do. Close to his friends so he can have a small social life, close to his family. Yes I know it's much cheaper where we currently live but why is it me who is living where I don't want? Especially after what he did to me last year.
The more I think about it the more I think I resent him. Does he not love me enough to make the sacrifice to move?
Am I being stupid? Should I be sucking it up?
I am trying to improve my life in other ways by training to have a new career but he is the one out of work yet I am again the one putting in the extra effort to make life better, not him.
All the little things are getting on my nerves and I snap, but I can't see myself without him, dd loves him to bits and I see he loves her too. I don't want my marriage to end. I just want to move or find a way past this.
What has he actually said when you've asked him to consider relocating?
He says it's too expensive, we can't afford a house there and he doesn't want to.
It sounds like you don't like him much: you stayed with him due to poor self-esteem after uni, and the way you describe him, there is nothing that shows love and respect: you don't think much of him as a father, as a provider, or as a partner. You don't sound all that into him, and I wonder if you ever were. He had an EA, so he's not all that committed to you either, in all likelihood.
I'm not criticising you. It's fine not to be into someone. However, it's not fine to stay with that person, as that will only make both your lives a misery. And the life of your DC as well.
All the stuff about location is easy to fixate on, but it's not the crux of the matter. The crux of the matter is that you don't really want to be with this man.
So end it.
Sorry if it came across that I don't like him much. I am a very pessimistic person so always focus on negatives.
I am not easy to live with (I am rather controlling and demanding and I think some of the negatives are because of my insecurities and obsessions and I feel I would have them in any relationship) so I know I don't make his life easy.
Yes I had low self esteem after uni which was why I didn't go home hoping he'd follow (he might have done but I didn't have the guts to test it) but I did and do love him.
We've had some amazing years and some of the happiest moments of my life have been with him. I look back at my wedding and wish we were both those people again but things that have happened since have changed us (temporary or permanent I don't know) and the stress of him out of work has taken its toll.
I think because the last time I tried to convince him to move his job was part of the reason to stay and now he doesn't have that so I just don't understand why we are staying in the place he wants just for him.
I don't want it to destroy our relationship but can't seem to move past it and need some advice.
Talking it through with him? How do I talk about it without it turning into me "going on at him" for not having a job? Making sure it doesn't end up him feeling like I think he's useless?
Im not good at talking about things sometimes without implying its the end of the world if that makes sense. I guess "melodramatic" would fit!
You can state that you are unhappy, and why.
How he reacts to that is up to him. There are no magic words to make people react with good grace to what you want to tell them.
So tell him how you feel. It's better than bottling it up, isn't it?
Try it out here. What is it that you really want to tell him about how you feel?
I guess I want to say the following:
Dh I love you but these past few years have been increasingly draining on me and I think our marriage.
I have tried my best to support you in your career choices and feel that sometimes I should have said sooner and shouted louder that I needed us to share more of the load.
I know that some of what has happened these past 8 months has not been your fault but although i can support you in any new endeavors, I can't fight the battle for you and I can't make the jump on your behalf. It's on you and what drive and determination you have left. We have a family to support and you make such a deal of not being able to afford the south yet it doesn't feel like you are making progress getting a job here.
I am not happy with the life we currently lead and know that along with the stress of your current job situation, a major impact has been being far away from my loved ones.
I miss them greatly and the limited support we get from your family (even after you have spoken to them about appreciating what my parents don't have) only makes life harder.
I feel we have always stayed because it's what you wanted and my choice is either to leave you or stay here. You know I don't want to leave you so I am trapped.
There is little or no actual thought from you about moving being a legitimate option because "you don't want to move" yet why is it fair that I have to stay somewhere where I have tried to settle.
You are the one with a life here and I stayed for you, yet you threw it in my face with your behaviour last year and even after that you didn't make me feel like I came first.
You still show me that your life here is what matters and yet you can't be happy either with our current situation.
I have tried all sorts and am still finding life hard. I need you to help me, support me, figure out how we move forward instead of pretending life is OK.
How does that seem??
It sounds like he thinks of himself as the Person in the relationship and you as the Supporter. And you've accepted that role up to now but you're not happy with it any more (if you ever were). You probably suspect (and rightly so) that if you stop being a Supporter he'll walk away.
I think what you've written above is good but you have to be prepared to walk away if necessary or to see him walk away. Otherwise nothing will change.
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