Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I over reacting?

(26 Posts)
CodLiverOiled Sun 17-Apr-16 12:56:43

I don't know if I'm making too much of an issue that has recently arisen - and wondered if I could get some advice on how to handle it? My DP had always had various hobbies & projects on the go - often they become all encompassing & he will throw time (& money!) at it until it dies a death & we never hear about them again.

This has caused a few arguments in the past but generally it is forgotten & we move on. This is mainly as he is the main wage earner & I feel that it's his money & he's doing something he enjoys. Sometimes though I would like to be included, perhaps to do something together but it's usually not to be.

This time however, something has changed & I am not so tolerant. Perhaps it was the way it was presented to me - as a done deal - or that fact that after discussion he went ahead & did it anyway ( lying when asked about it, then not telling me about it) - his argument when challenged was that he deserved it, had the money & was going to do it anyway. He is still not telling me anything about it even when I asked for him to be upfront.

Something has broken this time though, I feel that he doesn't respect me or even like me & I am reacting to this. It's just the causal "I want, I get" attitude & that my say doesn't matter. I feel like leaving - which is silly as he is a good man in all other aspects. I feel like he needs to grow up & not act like a single man...

How do I make peace with it?

Rarity75 Sun 17-Apr-16 13:01:16

What is it with men and their insistence on behaving like they are entitled to a separate life??
Currently have a thread on my DP and his DSS and that's partly to do with his 'hobby'.
I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect to be consulted and your views respected.

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 13:02:06

In what way does it affect you? Do you know what his new hobby is?

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 13:03:17

I think if the money isn't an issue then he can pick any hobby he likes? As long as she gets equal time off to do her own thing.

CodLiverOiled Sun 17-Apr-16 13:04:44

Thanks for replying - I will take a look at your thread!

I just have been made to feel all kinds of unreasonable to object when he's had his own way for the last 12 years!

Have to go out now but will check back later.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 17-Apr-16 13:08:43

How is the hobby affecting you?

I mean...DP & I are fairly equal in money but I would make the final decisions on hobbies I do. I'd talk to him and listen to feedback he had but it'd be my decision. The same goes for him - he cycles which I think is dull and pretty dangerous around him but if it's not affecting me, it's fine. If it did start to affect me/us, we'd revisit.

It's hard to tell if you are being unreasonable on so few details.

Is your problem that you can't/don't want to join in? Or that he's away too much?

Somerville Sun 17-Apr-16 13:09:47

How do I make peace with it?

I don't recommend that you try to make peace with the fact that he lied.

If you have children together then I guess his hobbies means you don't have an equal division of free time and spending time with them? In which case that could be a problem too (it would be to me).

Some people's personalities are such that they have phases of enjoying something and then moving on. I don't think that's a problem in and of itself, as long as he's not spending money he doesn't have.

CodLiverOiled Sun 17-Apr-16 13:10:11

Whisky2014 - yes, I know what his newhobby is & money isn't an issue I suppose, so I do get your point.

It's just his attitude of " my money, I'll do what I like" & the way it's not discussed with me & the lying that rankles.

It would affect me by the time he takes out from family life & the home renovations needed to accolade his hobby.

CodLiverOiled Sun 17-Apr-16 13:11:56

I can also add that this hobby is not meant to include me in any way!

redexpat Sun 17-Apr-16 13:18:20

Do you work? Do you have access to his money? Do you get to spend money on yourself without having to justify it? I can hear the MN choir warming up to sing it's family money.

I think the money involved, the lying and you wanting to spend time together are 3 separate issues.

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 13:18:46

I think if he also made time for you and him then you'd be happier? So it's not the hobby per se just the lack of time you spend with him? If so, that's fair enough, so have you spoken to him to say you want to do something together?

dun1urkin Sun 17-Apr-16 13:33:19

I have my own money, and will do what I like with it, too, TBH.
But that is only after having discussed with DH what a fair share of each of our incomes going to joint expenditure is, including jointly agreed projects, holiday savings etc.
I also have hobbies and things that are separate from him, and wouldn't particularly want him there with me.
But this is also agreed on, albeit not in as explicit a way as the financial agreement.
We also have a shared hobby that we really enjoy doing together.
Sounds like you and your DP need to have a chat about what feels fair to both of you.
The lying is a separate issue, I'd be fuming about that....

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 17-Apr-16 13:39:18

"Home renovations (if I read this right) to accommodate his hobby?

Well, it's not like he could lie about this and get away with it for long, is it?

Everyone has a right to follow their interests as long as it doesn't take away time and money from the family to an unreasonable degree.

I think it might be best to concentrate on the not being included in the decision-making as it sounds like this one will impinge on family-life, rather than another hobby that will be put down and not bothered with yet again. Some people are a bit magpie-like with their outside interests.

In a relationship there has to be some amount of fairness, even when that doesn't always mean "equal".

Do you have the opportunity to follow any interests which take you out of the home and don't include your husband?

AnyFucker Sun 17-Apr-16 13:43:22

We have "family money" in this house

If he is the main wage earner why does it compute that he is the main decision maker ?

Fuck that shit

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 13:53:41

It doesn't say they don't have family money and it doesn't say he is main decision maker. If he covers his part of the family money and has money left over then he can surely decide what hobby he does. I agree he should have discussed it with her if it has implications to her having to look after kids etc and would hope she gets time off too. It sounds more like the op wants to do something together.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 17-Apr-16 14:11:08

It does kind of depend how much of a change to the house it's going to make, surely? If he's going to convert the lounge into a swimming pool, or the kids are all going to have to bunk up together because what used to be their bedroom is now a gym/studio/stable... if it's a hobby he goes out to it's one thing, but making more than minor changes to the family home is definitely a situation that calls for consultation.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Apr-16 15:45:40

Well, op is being a trifle vague about that

CodLiverOiled Sun 17-Apr-16 16:23:58

Just got back, thank you for your replies!

To be clear, money is not really the issue - it is the lying & lack of respect. At the risk of outing myself, he has bought a classic car to do up, arranged for it to be transported from Scotland to here ( down South) & will be housing it at a garage nearby until he can widen our driveway, convertible our existing garage & build a shed/ lock up to put what is currently in the garage into.

We had discussed it before when I sugested delaying it for a while (& am not keen on the changes to the house/garden) & also as he has other hobbies that are time consuming & it was left at that. I since found out that he has gone ahead with all these plans without my knowledge & in fact lied about it when I asked him directly.

I have never stopped him from doing any of his other interests, in fact have encouraged them as I do think we all need time out to do things we enjoy. This was the only time & I only had concerns (not asked him not to do it) & the fact that he just went ahead & did it anyway has just left me feeling unimportant.

I know I need to talk to him but he can be very evasive when it comes to "discussions"...

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 17:07:46

But if you weren't going to say not to do it, what were you going to say? Why delay it? When would be a "right time"?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 17-Apr-16 17:13:47

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something still keeps you with this man, what is it?.

I would not want to make peace with it; doing so is basically brushing the whole matter under the carpet and that is bulky enough already.

Do you think his current classic car project will become an all encompassing money pit that he will also spend all his time on?. How much experience does he have in restoring classic cars?. Do you think this is going to go the same way as all his previous projects?.

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 18:12:59

If it's his money, does it matter? My dad did a classic car up and still have it 30 years on. He didn't have any experience, they actually all have very fancy manuals and there's usually clubs for car types which you can join. That is so not the issue. And just because the op Is pissed at one aspect hardly calls for a "what do you get from this relationship" ffs!

scallopsrgreat Sun 17-Apr-16 18:29:39

But it isn't 'his money'. It's family money from the sounds of it (not that money has got anything to do with this).

He's made major purchases and decisions about the house and garden without you, lied to you, reduced family time together. He's basically carrying on as if he's single without a family and it's all about him.

Agree with Attila. Don't make peace with it. Ask yourself what he's contributing to the family other than money? Is that enough? And if not how long do you want to carry on like this?

Joysmum Sun 17-Apr-16 18:36:00

Who cares if he sticks with it. I've had many all encompassing things overs the years and only one thing that's been a constant hobby in my life, but even then on and off.

DH and I have equal disposable income which goes into our own seperate current accounts. I would never share a bank account with him! He's just spent £1200 on the last MOT for his classic car and probably over £800 since the last and demolished and then built a higher garage for it to go in!. Doesn't matter though as its his money.

I'd not be with him if I didn't have equal money and time to do anything I wanted to. If you don't have that, what can you do to put this right? Can it be put right? Even so it doesn't excuse the lying.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 17-Apr-16 18:55:43

Don't worry OP. On past form this classic car will stay in the lock-up untouched, so there will be no widening of driveways and existing garages. He'll probably have moved on to the next thing by this time next week.

Still, while car is in a lock-up he'll be out from under your feet. During that time you can work out what opportunities you'll be getting away from family responsibilities while takes care of the kids and the house. I suggest you buy an egg-timer and a note-book to keep track.

CodLiverOiled Sun 17-Apr-16 19:08:05

It's not even about the hobby really, just this week he has had 2 full days out with his other hobby, which I have supported.

I think scallopsrgreat has it:

he's made major purchases and decisions about the house and garden without you, lied to you, reduced family time together. He's basically carrying on as if he's single without a family and it's all about him.

Especially the lying.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now