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Just gave my DH his final chance. Feeling utterly deflated.

(86 Posts)
shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:06:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve Sun 17-Apr-16 00:09:08

Ok, so you've given him a week. Maybe 2.

Treat it as a chance to get your ducks in a row before the probably inevitable. You've not so much given him an ultimatum as yourself.

He's the one who should be regretting things in the morning.

LineyReborn Sun 17-Apr-16 00:11:38

I agree with ouryve. This is something you're telling yourself, not him.

You know it's time to start planning, so you've started articulating that. Good on you.

shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:24:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen Sun 17-Apr-16 00:27:46

You know it will happen eventually. You and he will separate. At least this way you never need think "could we have made it work". It is delaying the inevetable, and will probably end up reaffirming that you are making the right decision.

It is sensible.

Use the time to emotionally detatch. Separate mentally. Get paperwork sorted. Get flat hunting (if you think it will be you leaving), do some online tax/credit checks to see what sort of entitlement you will have.

Be as prepared as possible.

shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:30:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:35:15

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shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:37:01

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redannie118 Sun 17-Apr-16 00:37:28

Can I ask why you are managing bipolar without meds ?

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 17-Apr-16 00:40:06

If you actually plan to stay together then you should probably go along for support if you can. DS needs to be kept well out of it though.

If it were me in this situation however, I'd be letting him go alone. Sounds harsh, but he needs to experience life without your support to fully comprehend that you are serious about the changes he needs to make.

Yes he may be scared etc but he has had the opportunity to step up and sort himself out and has chosen not to. He has put his own selfish enjoyment before you and his child, yet he still expects you to be there for him when he needs you.

He now needs to see what life as a single man is like. That means manning up and taking care of himself. He is a dick and your DS deserves better. The only way your H is likely to stop being a dick is by seeing what he has lost and realising that you are not there to take care of him regardless of his behaviour.

shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:41:31

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shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:47:20

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shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:50:39

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shiteforbrains Sun 17-Apr-16 00:54:16

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Bogeyface Sun 17-Apr-16 00:54:51

So...

He lies
He takes drugs
He lies some more
And he uses your well managed health issue against you in order to try and cover his tracks.

Have I missed anything?

And you have given him another chance? He wont change, you know that. I suggest that while you go through the motions of him appearing to behave, you get everything you need sorted out so that the next time he accidentally shoves a ton of coke up his nose, you can fire off the divorce papers without delay.

You say that you will do anything to protect your son, but you're not doing that are you? Not criticising you at all, just pointing out that by giving him another chance you are allowing him to damage you, the one person that your son can rely on.

Bogeyface Sun 17-Apr-16 00:56:45

This is exactly the thing to do it with!

He has left you to be the responsible parent, the most important thing a person can do, while he gets off his head. Why the hell should you hold his hand when he never held yours?

TendonQueen Sun 17-Apr-16 01:00:13

I think it's right that he goes alone to the scan. He has to see that it he breaks your trust and lies to you repeatedly, he loses out. As Ruffalo says he needs to feel what life without you is like to understand what he has jeopardised. I would just do the best you can to rest now, even if you put headphones on and listen to music but can't sleep.

redannie118 Sun 17-Apr-16 01:03:19

Sorry op hope you didnt think I was being unsporting , if you are breast feeding that makes total sense. The reason I ask is my dh has bioplar and without his meds could not lead a ordinary life, of course everyone is different, I just wanted to be sure you were getting all the support you could smile

LadyStoicIsBack Sun 17-Apr-16 01:23:16

Unless you have private health insurance and have managed to arrange CT scan this swiftly via that, I think - even though it would frickin eat me up to do it under these circs - that I would accompany him.

As if NHS, a first scan showing shadows and then a - within the week - further diagnostic scan, that might be suggestive of something fairly serious as IME the NHS, whilst brill for many things, is not that brill at pace/speed so this speed would be a bit of a flag for me. I'm sorry as I'm not trying to worry you further, am simply going against the grain on this one purely as sounds a potentially serious scenario.

Good luck and don't forget to come and rant here again, for many of us MN is the only place where we CAN safely rant away smile

Isetan Sun 17-Apr-16 01:50:40

The question has never been 'why does he do this?', it's 'why do you let him?'. Be honest with yourself, this 'ultimatum' is just another desperate attempt to avoid/postpone the inevitable. If you are really serious this time, then start planning.

You gave birth to one child but have chosen to parent two and parenting an adult, rarely pays dividends.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 17-Apr-16 02:23:51

God OP, hats off to you. i am bipolar and would cease to function without my meds. Or at least I think I would. I don't really know but I'm too fucking scared to try.

I can understand your emotions and reasons for going to the scan tomorrow, but at some point, somewhere, sometime you are going to have to draw the line. Maybe not on this issue tomorrow, but on something.

flowers and/or wine

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 17-Apr-16 03:28:59

I had a husband like yours. I gave him a timeline. He failed spectacularly. However, at the same time as we were splitting up, his mother died. I supported him, catered the funeral, went to the hospital, supported people in the family.

You can leave him and still be there for him if he is scared about the scan. You can still love him while acknowledging that you absolutely cannot stay married to him.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 17-Apr-16 06:39:18

Honestly, how can you live with constant lies? That's no basis for a relationship

I get that things are difficult at the moment if he's having tests/scans, but try and separate that from his behaviour - a lying drug taking knob is not a good father or a good example for your child

noeuf Sun 17-Apr-16 07:18:15

A ct. scan on a Sunday? And so quickly? I'd probably go as that does sound fast for the NHS.
Re: drug use - leave. Really, leave.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 17-Apr-16 07:24:34

If you no longer trust him, it is over.

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