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Continually let down by 'freind'

(22 Posts)
Mairyhinge Sat 16-Apr-16 20:17:11

So we've been friends since school, 30 + years, although we've had periods of not having much to do with each other.
She's always been, 'vulnerable' and chosen men that are not good enough for her, she's still looking for someone ( anyone) to come and sweep her off her feet, despite being with her current partner for 9 years. She openly admits she doesn't love him, but he's better than being alone, and I'm done with trying to explain she can do better. He's a pig, but he's her pig so I leave her to it now.
Anyway, she sends me cards, ' just a hug for you' type cards, saying how proud she is to call me her best friend,and how she will always be there for me hmm
I have alway ALWAYS supported her, given advice, a hug, been a shoulder for her.
I guess I've taken the role of protector a bit with her, and I've been there if she's needed me.
The crux of the problem is she takes drugs ( recreational).
Every time we arrange to meet up she lets me down, UNLESS it's to go and get drunk round town ( at 46 I'm a bit done with it). She's not married and has no kids, so she can get pissed/ drugged up if she wants, BUT she continually promises to come see me, meet me for coffee and either doesn't contact me at all, or gives me the sob story that she has a big hangover etc etc.
I feel I might Be expecting too much.....I need to lower my expectations.
Today she said she would meet me at 12.30, I knew better than to rely on her and she finally messaged me an hour ago, with the hangover story.
I'm going through a really rough patch at the mo with my health, and she knows this, but it's like I just don't matter, despite her posting on Facebook about me being her bestest bestie(!)
All she wants me to do is meet her in town to get drunk ( or in her case take drugs, stop drinking and bore everyone to death).
On the day of my dad's funeral she said to me at the wake, " if you want to go to town and get drunk I'll meet you?" confused

I just don't know anymore.
I've not replied to her cos I'm upset and angry yet not remotely surprised. This is the 3rd time in as many weeks she's promised me something and not bothered.
She's a victim tho, so no matter what I do, or don't do, I will be the wrong un.
It's like she knows what she SHOULD do, and SHOULD say but fails to follow through with actions iyswim??
Anyone any advice?!
I WANT to rant at her but I'd be the bad one, I want to ignore her but again, she will say I'm being mean and petty.
This, to me, could mean the end of our friendship tho.

Bearlyknitted Sat 16-Apr-16 21:29:59

I feel for you. She very clearly priorities alcohol over social interactions and upsetting though it is, I think you'll have to downgrade her to "that friend you can always get pissed with" and no more than that. Her behaviour is really shabby and says far more about her than you.

Lilaclily Sat 16-Apr-16 21:33:29

I'd ignore her tbh
The friendship has run its course, you're not interested in getting drunk and she doesn't turn up anyway

MrsRedFly Sat 16-Apr-16 21:34:35

You are her best friend but she's not being a friend to you

I think start distancing yourself to protect yourself

amarmai Sat 16-Apr-16 21:49:39

some people are not able to spare emotion, time, energy etc for anyone except them selves , and they are not able to look after themselves either.

Mairyhinge Sat 16-Apr-16 22:29:00

So many wise words, and all saying basically the same thing! Thank you.
I just can't do this anymore, I do need to put myself first. It's just I either ignore her now, ( not my style tho), or tell her exactly how I'm feeling, more my style, but I have to be careful I don't say things I can't take back, so I will leave it a few days, calm down and see what happens. I do think this is it tho, she brings nothing to the friendship flowers

springydaffs Sat 16-Apr-16 22:50:52

She sounds like an addict. Good fun (...) but ultimately as much use as a wet cardboard box.

You do know that however reasonably you present it to her she will fly off in high dudgeon? You'll very probably lose her and there'll be bad blood.

But it's for the best in the end, even though you'll be sad to lose her entirely (no half ways with her! All high drama!)

Maybe she'll get her act together at some stage, you never know. If so she'll remember a friend who cared enough to confront her.

lighthousefamily Sat 16-Apr-16 23:55:50

I have a similar relationship with one of my closest friends. She is only interested in seeing me if we are getting drunk. If alcohol is not on the agenda she doesn't want to know. When I went dry for a month a while back she wouldn't even pop around for a cuppa, even though I invited her on a number of occasions! I am trying to make my peace with it and realise that's the kind of friend she is. She will never be any more than that. Luckily I have other friends who I have more "normal" relationships with. She views me as her best friend but I view her as my good time pal, great for a night out. I guess we need all sorts of relationships in our lives!

winkywinkola Sun 17-Apr-16 06:14:28

She just wants to go and get drunk? That's it?

This woman will never be a friend for you. You are a friend to her but she is of zero support for you.

I wouldn't bother talking to her about it, much less raging at her about it. She just won't get what you're talking about. She doesn't understand friendship other than her using people for her own needs.

She's a grown up. She chooses to be a victim. That's not something you can help her with anymore really. Not unless you want to be bled dry.

I would just fade from view. Don't bother making arrangements. Respond less promptly to her messages. Be polite but detach. If she does ask, then I would explain how you feel. She still won't get it but at least you'll have done the right thing.

FrancisdeSales Sun 17-Apr-16 06:28:09

I would also read up on codependency and relating to people with addictions or dysfunctional relationships. Make sure you are not just becoming codependent. This friendship seems to have run its course as it is not reciprocal. Rather than listen to what she says go by her actions. Her actions show she is not bothered and only wants to relate to you on her terms (involving drugs and alcohol).

bakeoffcake Sun 17-Apr-16 06:36:43

I too think for your own wellbeing that you need to detach from her. She's actually making you unhappy. Would you put up with this behaviour from anyone else? No, so despite knowing her for a long time you need to let go. It's sad but it isn't your

369thegoosedrankwine Sun 17-Apr-16 08:14:20

She's not being a good friend to you. That's it.

I had this for about a year with a friend. Constant letting me down, not making an effort., not alcohol or drugs but more about being a social butterfly with others. After the 5th cancellation, I called her on it. She half apologised but totally failed to acknowledge it was all her fault. I still see this person but see that she isn't really a great friend and she never will be.

Once you see that she isn't a good friend it becomes easier to deal with, if you want to.

Mairyhinge Sun 17-Apr-16 13:15:05

Thanks all. I think you've all hit the nail on the head really well, she's NOT a friend to me, and it's time I stopped letting her let me down!
I've had a message yesterday saying she was hungover, and today saying she didn't move yesterday as she was so hungover and are we ok?
I've not replied because as you all agree, anything I say will be taken as hugely offensive and she will use it against me.
I'm pissed off that she can't even see that she's let me down and a simple apology would be a start!
She will most certainly have taken drugs Friday so today will be the come down day after yesterday's 'hangover'
She chooses drugs over me.
When we go out I can be talking to her and she'll suddenly run off and throw her arms around someone, long lost God knows what, and leave me sat there.
So I'm not even that important.
I think as an only child I have a messed up view of how friendships should be.

springydaffs Sun 17-Apr-16 15:39:05

She chooses drugs over me.

Because she's an addict. She chooses drugs etc over everything and everybody.

Addicts are desperately selfish. And Woe Betide you if you challenge them on their lifestyle.

winkywinkola Mon 18-Apr-16 10:07:40

Does she have children?

Mairyhinge Mon 18-Apr-16 12:05:09

No, winky no children, not married. She lives with her partner of 9 years.
She's been messaging me, am I upset with her? She's sorry she didn't meet me, and the latest one, she is a wreck at the moment....
I know it's a come down script. I now have to feel sorry for her.

mumsonthelash Mon 18-Apr-16 12:18:39

Sorry but you are way over invested in this friendship. She is not capable of giving you what you want but you continue to moralise and continue being her doormat.
She is who she is and she doesn't have to change for you and doesn't want to. She clearly doesn't think in the same way.
She is a good time friend. And there is nothing wrong with that if you lower your expectations.
Stop being there whenever it suits her and see other friends.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 18-Apr-16 12:19:18

No you most certainly don't have to feel sorry for her.
She's a knob so keep ignoring her.
I'm sorry she's let you down so much but it's time to cut her loose and find some new friends.

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Apr-16 12:24:55

I have to say I would've told her to fuck off if she'd asked me to go to town and get drunk when I was at my father's wake.

Mairyhinge Mon 18-Apr-16 12:28:15

Thanks, mumsonthelash I like your honesty!
I am over invested and I've told her that.
She's apparently been bawling her eyes out today and is a wreck and wants to know how she can make it up to me, but I'm exhausted with it and just don't know what to say to her, but if I don't reply she will keep on at me.
I DONT feel sorry for her, I've been here way too many times with her, and it doesn't change.
I don't want to 'fall out' I just want her to leave me alone! Stop making false promises.
I'm going to back right off, as winky said up thread, I will fade from view.

winkywinkola Mon 18-Apr-16 22:46:13

Just don't get drawn into any drama.

Be matter of fact if she pursues the conversation. Tell her letting you down is unacceptable and that it's actually boring getting pissed all the time. That you're still friends but you're reluctant to make arrangements anymore.

I know the type though. The type that is all over other people in public and doesn't actually listen to your conversation when those people arrive. Tedious. It's all about being seen to be popular rather than investing in solid friendships.

UpsiLondoes Mon 18-Apr-16 22:54:58

"No we aren't ok. I would love to hear from you when you've been sober and off XYZ for 6 months. Until then, I wish you well." And block.

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