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has anyone's grumpy DH ever cheered up?

(21 Posts)
hiddengems Sat 16-Apr-16 17:39:44

I love my DH very much. We have been together for a very long time. He is intelligent, funny and can be great company.

However he often behaves like a spoilt brat. He finds the problem in every situation (unless it's his idea) and moans incessantly. Everything is an issue and someone else's fault.

I'm suddenly terribly bored with it all. I'm bored of being the positive one and trying to chivvy everyone along - especially when it starts to rub off on my children and they start complaining too.

Recently I've become far less tolerant. I call him out on in much more and have stopped pandering. I've also begun to push for things which previously I would have backed down on because I couldn't be bothered with the whinging.

I feel like I'm training a toddler, praising good behaviour and ignoring the bad.

I'm exhausted.

I think I just want to know that there is a possibility that things could improve if I was just a bit more forceful - or am I on a hiding to nothing.

I don't want to leave him at all, but I'm not sure I can live with such negativity for the next 40 years.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 16-Apr-16 19:21:23

I think you are doing exactly the right thing.

There is no chance things will change if you stick to your old behaviour. So, yes, keep being more forceful, don't pander, be true to your own needs, be prepared to lose your temper, attempt to train that toddler.

That's all you can do really.

If he doesn't change, then your views on LTB will likely change. After this many years he probably won't change but you probably feel you have to try.

I suspect you have completely lost sight of your own needs as you have pandered to him over the years.

hiddengems Sat 16-Apr-16 19:36:15

Some things have got better. Well, not necessarily better but they get resolved much quicker.

He strops, I ignore him or behave like he's not stropping and he quickly gets bored.

I'm just hoping soon he won't bother getting in a strop.

In the past, I would feel like I had to placate him and that just prolonged everything.

Mamaka Sat 16-Apr-16 22:09:07

I'm doing the same thing at the moment and like you said things do seem to get resolved much quicker now. I'm hoping that if I can keep up my new habit then he will be forced to make some lasting changes too. Changing the dance steps and all that. It's so irritating though that they're like this in the first place, I feel like I'm doing the job of his mother which is not in the slightest bit attractive hmm
Not sure how long I will give it. I guess you'll know when you've had enough. X

Hillfarmer Sat 16-Apr-16 23:34:26

No

madmother1 Sat 16-Apr-16 23:37:50

Could you just be blunt and tell him to stop being a grumpy old git and emphasise that you might leave him?

whatsinanameanyway Sat 16-Apr-16 23:40:12

Interested to see the answers to this as my DP is the same. I too have become less tolerant as we now have a baby so I don't have the patience or time. I also have post natal anxiety which he doesn't understand. I love him dearly but he drives me mad when he starts this behaviour. He is also selfish and always thinks of himself first. I have noticed small changes so far but nothing earth shattering.

thenightsky Sat 16-Apr-16 23:56:30

I had one of these. Ignore the bad and react all smiley to the good. Mine is fine now (with the occasional blip), but it has taken 35 years.

hiddengems Sun 17-Apr-16 08:04:57

Glad I'm not alone.

It is a childishness but I feel like I have to take some responsibility for it as I've allowed if to happen for so long.

I sort out all the problems.

I have told him that I feel like I'm trudging on getting things done and he's pelting me from the sidelines.

I don't even think he realises he's doing it most of the time. The rest of his family is the same - a low level humming of how you should have done something differently or why something wasn't a good idea.

I also suffer from anxiety, which I'm having help for, but I'm sure we are going to realise the two are closely related.

nicenewdusters Mon 18-Apr-16 20:06:44

I think I would say that he's allowed you to allow it to happen. You shouldn't blame yourself for another adult's behaviour.

I would guess that he probably does know what he's doing most of the time. Is he like this with his friends or work colleagues ?

Sadly I suspect your comment about your anxiety and his behaviour are indeed related.

rjsmum11 Tue 19-Apr-16 09:20:09

OP.. I literally could have written your post word for word.

I am also bored of being the positive one and the black cloud of his constant negativity. I fear that instead of him getting more positive, me and the kids are getting more like him, snappy and angry...

I fear I am passed it & can't put up with it for years ahead.. calling him out seems to end in arguments.

hiddengems Tue 19-Apr-16 16:44:58

rjs I think it's the kids that bring it home to me.

DC1 is becoming more negative and makes me really sad.

redexpat Tue 19-Apr-16 21:17:16

I have called DH on it in several ways. Complaints about roadworks, how WONDERFUL that the govt is really investing in the infrastructure of the country, esp this far from the capital. I wonder if they got EU funding for that. Just think how many people they're employing. I really went for it.

Another time I asked if he was happy. I said I wasn't because he was not the father I thought he would be. He cried. Then we talked about how we want our lives to be. He set goals. Things like seeing a friend once a month, joining a sports club. He has been more content since then.

I also played misery trumps when my dad died. I'm not proud of it, but I really felt that it was his turn to put my needs first and that he should STFU.

LisaRinnasLips Tue 19-Apr-16 21:24:21

I think some people are naturally more negative /pessimistic and some optimistic. So I don't think they can change, no.

My H is negative too and it's draining. My children are v young but I plan to leave when they're easier to manage alone as I don't want them growing up around him day to day.

Maybe your ds just takes after him genetically in that way? Or it could be environmental. Who knows. All I know is, life is too fucking short to be someone's cheerleader.

justdontevenfuckingstart Tue 19-Apr-16 21:29:35

My dh has been hellish. We have however just moved from rented and bought our house which has made a massive change. He is a different person. Still massively grumpy but soo different so maybe it is environmental to a degree.

LisaRinnasLips Tue 19-Apr-16 21:42:52

What are his triggers?

h0rsewithn0name Tue 19-Apr-16 21:59:24

Can I join in?

What are my dp's triggers? Waking up!

Whyissheontheship Tue 19-Apr-16 22:40:50

My DH is a sensitive soul and can be quite grumpy too. It's usually a good indicator something else is bothering him that he is bottling up.

He has started to open up more and his grumpiness has decreased. He is seeing a counsellor which sort of helps and sort of makes it worse (he is usually grumpy after a session) but in the long run I think he is learning to express his feelings of frustration/upset better and is therefore less grumpy.

He reckons boys are not socialised to deal with emotions as well as girls and so is playing catch up.

FWIW getting cross with him didn't help it just drove a wedge between us, chatting about it calmly usually gets to the root of the issue and brings us closer together, plus it stops him being so grumpy.

kinkytoes Tue 19-Apr-16 22:46:27

Sounds like this could be a good support thread...

Lilmisskittykat Wed 20-Apr-16 19:19:02

I honestly could have written this thread about my dh. The comment about carrying on whilst being pelting from the side lines really hit home.

At the moment my dh is off work on sick leave and I feel I'm doing everything I can to help keep his chin up however he has started to take side swipes at me .. Little comments which he then says he's sorry for - blaming the depression on it and just generally being moany and depressing.

He's always been a glass half empty soul but had a good sense of humour was kind and loving. When he's having a good day we all do - so I can really understand other posters who stick by but struggle and maybe like me wonder what life would be like with someone sunnier

It's exhausting

Kirk123 Thu 21-Apr-16 22:18:35

I had one for 26 years , it's only now he had an affair and left that I have reflected and realise I was exhausted lifting his mood and motivating him all the time !

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