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Last night I was really rude to a man

(43 Posts)
BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 10:00:43

I met this man 2 years ago Internet dating. Thoughout that time I have understood that he's not interested in me romantically. We had a goodnight kiss on our first date, and exchanged 'thanks for a lovely evening' texts afterwards, but then the next contact I had from him was 2 weeks later; a text at 5pm on a Saturday asking if I was free that night, which I wasn't.

Since then we have met up a handful of times, either for a drink or to go kayaking. (He has a kayak. I'm pretty keen and enjoy it, but not enough to get into it as a hobby of my own accord.)

We go long periods with no contact, often broken by him sending a text meant for someone else, leading to us catching up by text and him suggesting we get together. I enjoy his company, and I'm happy to carry on being friends.

We met up a couple of weeks ago and, unusually, saw each other twice over the weekend. Then early this week he texted to ask if I had plans for Friday. I was surprised to hear from him so soon, and told him I had some chores to do, but was otherwise free. He replied at lunchtime on Friday to ask when I'd be finished. I replied after work and he asked if I fancied a drink. Then we had a 2.5 hour text conversation about where to meet. Fucking ridiculous. Any other of my friends I would have just called them up and sorted arrangements like a grown up, but I think a bit of me was just seeing how far he'd take it.

I suggested a pub near me, he tried to get me to come closer to him. We live in the same city, about a mile apart. I explained why I didn't want to go far. He agreed to come to me, but then he didn't like the pub I'd suggested. I suggested some others. He complained again about the distance. He suggested somewhere half way. I was pretty bored of this by then and said not to worry then, maybe another time, and took that to be the end of the conversation.

Meanwhile my friend rang and asked if she could come over, and I said yes. He then replied 20mins later to say I'd "won", agreeing to come to me. I said my friend was coming over now, apologised, and said I had thought he didn't want to come. Which I admit was disingenuous of me, but by that point I was feeling annoyed with him and didn't want to meet up anyway.

So, I was rude, and childish. It was crappy of me not to agree to meet halfway. I just feel like everything is always on his terms and I was digging my heels in. Judging from his final text to me he's pretty annoyed. Should I contact him to apologise? Have I had him wrong all this time and he's actually dead keen on me and I've been treating him really badly?

IrishDad79 Sat 16-Apr-16 10:15:48

He seems keen on you. Do you fancy him? If you do, maybe ask him if he wants a relationship, or just friends. To me, it doesn't exactly sound like you're head over heels on him. By the way, that text meant for someone else is bullshit, that's an old trick.

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 10:21:42

I do find him attractive, yes. But he doesn't seem to give me any signs that he feels the same so there's no flirting or anything.

I agree about the texting thing. It makes me laugh! But I don't get it. Why not just text me?

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 10:24:05

I think we probably wouldn't be suited as a couple because it seems we don't communicate that well! But I'm feeling guilty this morning about being rude.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 16-Apr-16 10:24:11

Life's too short for all these games, especially at start of a relationship.

He sounds like he could be quite controlling to me, I would avoid, I don't think you are compatible, sorry.

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Apr-16 10:24:14

No, if he was keen on her he'd go to somewhere she wanted to go to.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 16-Apr-16 10:25:00

He then replied 20mins later to say I'd "won", agreeing to come to me

Judging from his final text to me he's pretty annoyed would be red flags to me.

MakeItRain Sat 16-Apr-16 10:25:08

I don't think you need to apologise. He's an adult. Your first suggestion was a pub a mile away from his house. If that's too difficult for him this relationship isn't going to go far.

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 10:35:55

Yes Fanjo, that's what I thought too. I guess the fact that I'm feeling confused and questioning/blaming myself is not a good sign either.

Trouble is, I'm going to be seeing him in a couple of months. I'm going to be staying somewhere and I definitely won't be able to avoid him. Should I make an effort to smooth things over before then? Or just pretend last night didn't happen?

MakeItRain Sat 16-Apr-16 10:42:37

I think your instincts are right. I still don't really see why you were rude. He was refusing to meet you. Why should he be all offended when you then made other plans. I would leave it. If he texts maybe say you don't see this going anywhere but hope there are no hard feelings. Be polite at your meet up but don't be too worried about it.

newname99 Sat 16-Apr-16 10:51:45

I also can't see the rudeness, it didn't suit you so you said.I don't think he's keen, 2 years is a long time but it doesn't feel friendly or kind, so wouldnt even say you are good friends.And. I met my DH he was keen and I knew it, he didn't leave me feeling like everything was a negotiation.He wasn't a doormat but he wanted to see me so made lots of effort and we lived an hour away.

Just be careful you don't waste years in a 'limbo' relationship, not free enough to think of other guys but not actually in a relationship that is going anywhere.

DoreenLethal Sat 16-Apr-16 10:53:04

Just so tedious. Block him and move on.

And contacting you pretending to be contacting someone else; this is mind games. DO not fall for it.

If you see him again just say Hi and don't dwell on it. Don't get mixed up in some bullshit mindgaming.

curren Sat 16-Apr-16 10:53:35

I think you are both playing games and that rarely ends well.

He wouldn't travel a mile, you wouldn't travel a mile. It doesn't sound like either of you are really bothered.

I don't think you need to apologise. But if I were you, I would stop meeting up with him.

LaConnerie Sat 16-Apr-16 10:55:45

He sounds like a childish PITA.

I would block him and move on. And not bother apologising.

gandalf456 Sat 16-Apr-16 10:56:14

I wouldn't see him again. I tend to be quite agreeable with arrangements unless a silly distance so I expect people to be the same with me

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 10:56:33

Thanks for the reassurance MakeItRain. I'll leave it smile

MeadowHay Sat 16-Apr-16 10:58:47

Ignore, forget about him, I agree about the red flags. If you are forced to see him in future, be polite but aloof and don't mention this incident.

AnyFucker Sat 16-Apr-16 11:00:29

Jesus, what a headfucker he sounds

He breaks long periods of noncontact by pretending to send a text to the wrong person ?

He argues for hours about where to meet then says you have "won" ?

Please be "rude" much sooner in the future. I would berate myself for acting like a complete doormat if I let myself get ducked about like that

Oh, and it's OK to be rude to a man. I do it all the time (when justified)'s quite liberating and there's really no need to hold the front page for it

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 11:01:42

You're right newname. I have thought before that he doesn't seem very kind. He says quite critical things in a jokey way sometimes. I definitely ruled out getting involved with him ages ago- just posted here because I was feeling worried that perhaps I've been reading it wrong. But thinking about it now it seems we're not even very good friends, are we?!

AnyFucker Sat 16-Apr-16 11:02:57

I also think you should get your own kayak smile

SilverBirchWithout Sat 16-Apr-16 11:03:29

I am confused by the fact both of you think a mile is a long way to go to meet. Sounds like neither of you are that interested in even a friendship.

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 11:03:55

Ha! AnyFucker, you've made me laugh! Right, I resolve to be more rude in future grin

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 11:07:08

SilverBirch- normally it wouldn't! I'd just done a lot of travelling for work yesterday, and I would say 8/10 times I have gone with his suggestions near him so I was just being stubborn last night.

thatstoast Sat 16-Apr-16 11:09:19

What?! He's been keeping you on the hook whilst seeing other women (accidentally sending you texts meant for other people...)

He can't be bothered to travel a mile to see you even though meeting up was his idea so you make other plans. How are you the rude one? And you think he might actually be really keen on you? No, just no. You deserve better than that, everyone does.

BottleBeach Sat 16-Apr-16 11:15:10

Just to be clear- I haven't been on his hook!

I've seen other people in the last 2 years, which he has known about. He says he hasn't been dating, but it wouldn't bother me if he was. The texts haven't been to other women, just friends.

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