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How much time do you spend with your partner each week...perspective needed.

(26 Posts)
whatisforteamum Sat 16-Apr-16 09:34:53

I recently had a few days away with dh and realised how little time we spend together after teen dcs chores and work is done.
weve been together 29 yrs and had to work opposite hrs due to childcare being expensive and both being on lower incomes.
He now works 4 12hr days in the week and i work split shifts and weekends.this all is fine in the winter and keeps the chores ticking over with time to relax on our own.I have seen him 2 days this month
Our dd works 50 hr weeks in hospitality too requiring lifts home as it is a job in a rural place.i really want to go out in the summer..walks by the river,Visitng places etc.
I love working i just feel life is passing me by.Am i expecting too much and what quality time do you spend with your other half?

Enjoyingthepeace Sat 16-Apr-16 13:14:10

You are not expecting too much at all. I am shocked that you have continued as you have done for so long!

I am a sahm and my dh works long hours, however almost every evening we will have dinner together, a chat and watch some TV. At the weekend we will gym together, coffee, take the children to the park together, visit friends together, go to the beach/national trust parks etc

We Socialise with other couples around twice a month, independently about twice a month and then together once a month

annandale Sat 16-Apr-16 13:17:32

Sounds like your dd needs a scooter, moped or lift share (unless you work at the same place).

TBH I would absolutely love a bit more time on my own but see dh usually 6.30-10.30 every night, we share a bed then weekends most of the time. We have a very traditional setup though it's me who works full time. I couldn't stand only seeing dh twice a month shock could you ease back on the weekend work?

RudyMentary Sat 16-Apr-16 13:17:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cruusshed Sat 16-Apr-16 13:24:29

Is there not scope now that your DC are older and don't require childcare to change your working patterns?

What does your DH want.

You need to invest in couple time or your relationship will erode.

You sound lonely.

whatisforteamum Sat 16-Apr-16 13:55:30

I am lonely sometimes.My unsociable hours mean ive never had time for friends who have dwindled away..there have been times when it has worked in our favour however now i feel im missing out.I was told i would get a weekend a month off however in several months ive probably had 2.
I think my parents being terminally ill mum diagnosed at 64 makes me realise life is short.I am unsure what job i can do that would give me some freetime.

whatisforteamum Sat 16-Apr-16 13:57:25

I just wondered if i was being realistic about my expectations or having a mid life crisis smile

Smartiepants79 Sat 16-Apr-16 14:00:35

We see each other for a few hours most evenings and spend maybe 3/4 of the weekend together as a family. Are kids are only little though.
We do have weekends when one of us is away and maybe 1 evening a week on average when on of us is out.
No shift work though.
I think starting to look at alternatives and work towards changing both of your working hours would be a positive.

Smartiepants79 Sat 16-Apr-16 14:02:37

Having re-read I'd start with attempting to sort out your current job hours.
Why aren't you getting the time off you were promised and is it time to start asking for it a bit more forcefully!

whatisforteamum Sat 16-Apr-16 14:29:16

I smile dh gets up 430 am home by 7pm.I do 930/ 11ISH or just some eves.He just pointed out we see each other maybe 2 eves midweek however by the time he has eaten and bathed its gone 8pm.DD does 11- 11 days a week.I did have a few months were i did every fri sat and sun.
First things first have a talk with the boss as i dont even know my hrs for next week yet.

cruusshed Sat 16-Apr-16 16:13:08

what - I am sorry to hear about your parents. I lost my Mum suddenly to cancer when she was 63 and that tells you that life is v short. I am probably a similar age to you and know that the only things that are important are time with your loved ones - sounds like you know this too. I am sure that you can find the time to make the logistics work better so that you can achieve this. Good luck.

whatisforteamum Sat 16-Apr-16 16:30:49

Thank you crushed.Sorry about your Mum.Mine have outlived prognosis but we ve been on tenterhooks and Dad is currently under the hospice nurse weekly.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 17-Apr-16 13:36:55

I work on a freelance basis and DH works FT on shifts, so we manage to get a day or two together and most evenings if he's not working. DH has insisted since we first had DCS that we get one evening alone per week (this is more like once every 2 weeks in reality, but it is so nice to go out for drinks/dinner just us two).

However, sometimes if I am busy with work we are like passing ships in the night, when he's at home, I try to plan work. It's hard to get a balance.

You all sound like very hardworking people, which is highly commendable and necessary, from the sounds of your post.

Try not to make life all about work though, I will never forget my friend being in hospital with cancer for the second time, hair falling out and looking tiny and weak, and her asking me how work was going (had quite a full on job at the time) and she told me that "life is for living, not for working yourself to exhaustion".

Apparently a common regret told by people who are about to die is that they didn't work so much and spent a bit more time with their loved ones.

derektheladyhamster Sun 17-Apr-16 13:41:49

During term time we see each other 2 evenings during the week, we work opposite days at weekends but see each other in the evenings. I'm around during school holidays - private school so long holidays - this is when stuff gets done!

LisaMed Sun 17-Apr-16 14:48:12

This may sound harsh, but I remember your other threads and do you think you would be happier if you spent more time with your husband? Would it be better to get more social contact from a class or a social group? You are heading to turbulent times and his track record supporting you isn't good. If you have faith it may be worth joining a church or faith group and look there for social contact and support.

I've read so many of your threads and wanted to hug you. Hopefully I'm wrong and he will step up. As for your original question, we spend a couple of hours every day with each other, actually talking, interacting etc. It isn't to everyone's taste, but that is the pattern we have.

whatisforteamum Sun 17-Apr-16 21:25:42

Thank you for your replies.My own Dad who is terminal with cancer has told me work isnt everything.He seemed to get alot of pleasure from working and has had 14 yrs retirement 3 of which have been chemo and supporting mum who has incurable cancer.Thank you Lisamed too.well working all weekends has been good however going on the beach for the 2nd time in 11 yrs made me realise what ive been missing.holding hands,talking.time together.

whatisforteamum Sun 24-Apr-16 09:38:59

Well time is more limited now a fulltimer has walked out without notice.
i guess i shall have to work extras the next couple of weeks and see how things go.TBH i was given a weekend day with dh and irealise why we didnt go out much the weekends i used to have off yrs ago.He loves a lie in and sport on tv.sad
Thinking what will be for the best as being here ignoered is worse than being at work.

LisaMed Sun 24-Apr-16 09:54:27

I wonder if you are missing 'time with someone who cares about me and who likes spending time with me' rather than missing time with your husband.

Do you have a regular shift pattern? I really suggest looking at groups and classes to fill the need for human contact.


roarfeckingroar Sun 24-Apr-16 09:58:21

Lots of time. All weekend 9/10, we socialise as a couple, we eat together most nights, talk during the day...

newname99 Sun 24-Apr-16 10:08:06

How many hours a week are you working? It sounds as if you need to take stock of your life.Erractic working hours play havoc with you sleep and energy.You seem to feel you have no control on your life but you do, just because it's like this now doesn't mean it has to always be like this.

My DH and I spend most evening together unless we are away with work.Sometimes that can be frequent and it can cause us to have some distance from each other.

At weekends we generally have time together, evenings spent watching TV.I think it's not unreasonable if your DH has sometime where he chills out watching sport.It's a good sign that when you were away you enjoyed time together.

gruffalo13 Sun 24-Apr-16 11:21:11

We talk on phone about twice a day, spend 5/7 evenings together (he's out the others with work) and all weekend.
I'm an introvert and he's a workaholic.
I am happiest at home on weekends with him and children (2 small) and although he's less introverted, I think he is happy too. We see other couples maybe once every 2 months, I go out once a month alone with girlfriend or the like, and he has work stuff a couple of evenings. (Dinners or functions)

Agree that you need to take stock and perhaps try to cut down - it's true life is so short and we must do what we can to enjoy it with our family and friends (or not so much with friends in my case wink)

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 24-Apr-16 16:34:54

Pretty much every evening, plus Saturdays. I work Sundays and have Wednesday's off to myself - he works Mon-Fri so Sunday is his day alone.

Obviously we have nights out occasionally too but we still have most evenings together.

UmbongoUnchained Sun 24-Apr-16 16:41:30

Husband comes over every night when daughter is bed (they haven't met yet) so not really hugely different to if we were living together and working.

whatisforteamum Sun 24-Apr-16 17:07:38

I guess i hadnt realised how far from normal our shift patterns are.I like my space just sometimes i feel like my single colleagues.Heading to 50 is making me reassess !

corythatwas Sun 24-Apr-16 18:55:40

We don't have much of the evening together as he has a long commute and has to start early and I often work late, but we do tend to do things together, like long walks, at least one day of the weekend. We had nearly a week together at Easter, always have Bank holidays together and usually a couple of weeks in the summer and a couple at Christmas (though admittedly staying with family, so not alone time).

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