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Where do men get help for domestic violence when they are being voilated?

(24 Posts)
EasyToEatTiger Fri 15-Apr-16 20:38:19

My brother has been beaten up by his wife more than once. His children are being poisoned against him. The children are barred from meeting other family members. I am not in contact with them. I am not in doubt that my brother makes spectactularly bad decisions. He is doing a course about domestic violence. He does not deserve to be beaten up by his young children because their mother says so. I fear for the children.
I am not in regular contact with my brother because the whole thing is so toxic. He is not computer literate and thinks that the internet is just full of porn.
I have spoken to SS and NSPCC and school about all of this. They need names and relationships. They have not understood that it is too dangerous and I cannot for my own safety be drawn into the web.

Do I just drop all contact? Which is pretty much where I am already. There is no way of contacting my brother's children safely.

StealthPolarBear Fri 15-Apr-16 20:40:19

Beaten up by his children?

EasyToEatTiger Fri 15-Apr-16 20:46:40

Yes. The children, aged about 7 and 9 were instructed by their mother to kick, hit and bite their father.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 16-Apr-16 01:39:43

May I ask how you know for a fact that the dc have been "instructed by their mother to kick, hit and bite their father" and in what way would giving your name to SS/NSPCC/school and stating your relationship to the dc compromise your safety?

RJnomore1 Sat 16-Apr-16 02:03:30

Why is it hard to comprehend that a female abuser can operate in the same way a male abuser can?

FelicityR313 Sat 16-Apr-16 02:05:16

How is it too dangerous for you?

MiscellaneousAssortment Sat 16-Apr-16 02:07:07

Drawn into the web? Your safety? Dangerous?

These are very strong words and yet it's not at all clear why all the cloak and dagger stuff, and on what basis you know that your brother is being violated?

You say he's doing a course about domestic violence - is that because he has committed DV himself?

To answer your question, I would expect there are support groups and helplines/ email support for male domestic violence. Have you tried searching for anything like that?

FelicityR313 Sat 16-Apr-16 02:08:38

There is also 999.

FelicityR313 Sat 16-Apr-16 02:12:16

Can you contact your brother safely? Can he leave safely?

FelicityR313 Sat 16-Apr-16 02:13:30

Does your brother fear that the children may be in more serious danger if he leaves?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but you really should be talking to a police officer, not the internet.

FelicityR313 Sat 16-Apr-16 02:16:26

Look, if I'm to take your post at face value, you are petrified, your brother is petrified. The children are in danger? You and your brother need to be going in to your nearest police station with every text and email recorded. If you can't, why?
There are safe numbers to phone if your brother feels that either himself or his children are in danger if he leaves or reports anything.
I wish you well.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sat 16-Apr-16 02:20:48

There is support for male victims of DV, Mankind amongnst many other.
The children are also victims of DV.

However, although there are support groups for men he should also consider the police, as should you. If he or the children are in danger then they are SS are probably your best immediate option. You can ask for the DV unit.

You can also contact Refuge for advice

MiscellaneousAssortment Sat 16-Apr-16 02:24:45

Here, from a quick internet search, quite a few male DV support, advice and signposting. All these sites offer specific advice about male abuse victims and seem much more able to offer the specific support you are looking for.

Advice and support for men experiencing domestic violence and abuse:

Mens advice line:
www.mensadviceline.org.uk

Excerpt: "Men's Advice Line: confidential helpline for men experiencing domestic violence from a partner or ex-partner (or from other family members). We help by: giving you time to tell your story; offering emotional support; providing practical advice; signposting you to other services for specialist help"

And some more sites too:

Man kind:
new.mankind.org.uk

Hidden hurt: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/male_victims_of_domestic_violence.html

NHS advice:
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/abuse/Pages/domestic-violence-against-men.aspx

DV men:
m.dvmen.co.uk

Refuge support:
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-men/

RonaldMcDonald Sat 16-Apr-16 02:45:18

This sounds dreadful Op

Speak to your family and ask them to rally round your brother.
Often abusers separate their victim from their friends and family

Try to treat your brother and his children kindly and with empathy. They are victims. We all make poor decisions but no one deserves what he is getting.

I hope the DV course is letting him grasp or come to terms with what is really happening to him. I hope he is able to report her for what she is doing.

Have a look at the Mankind website. It has excellent information about how to support him and prepare his exit.
He has all manner of remedies under the law and the police are trained to deal with male victims and come across them more regularly than he will know
If he isn't computer literate you might have to print things out or slowly educate him yourself.
He can also have therapy to help him with his self esteem and the help him come to terms with what he is going through.

EasyToEatTiger Sat 16-Apr-16 09:55:00

Thank you all for links and kind words. The situation is just grim; To get involved feels like being trapped in a mixture of East Enders and Royston Vasey. It is poisonous to the core of being, so I take my mother's advice and keep clear. I feel very sad about my brother. A kind of grief. He has started being in contact with me and it is hard listening, when he refuses the appropriate help. I will take down the numbers, and give them to him when he is in touch. I think he is in denial. I also think he is very screwed up. The mother of his children is very strange.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sat 16-Apr-16 13:07:23

easy don't give up on him. It is hard to watch someone being put through this by their partner and yet not leaving but it is not as simple as that.

You cannot make him leave but you can let him know you are there for him.

However, if you fear the dcs are in danger then I would speak to Refuge about contacting Social Services.

pocketsaviour Sat 16-Apr-16 14:29:29

It is poisonous to the core of being, so I take my mother's advice and keep clear.

OP if you were the one being beaten by an abusive husband, and your children were being brought up to consider violence normal and acceptable, what would you think if your mother told your brother he's best off keeping out of it?

RubbishMantra Sat 16-Apr-16 15:05:02

Try Respect for advice. 0808 8024040. It's more common (female perpetrators of violence) than people realise.

What I find even more shocking is that his partner encourages their small children to behave violently towards your DB.

You mention he is attending a course on domestic violence - can you expand on this - is it a college course or a course imposed by the courts? Surely if it's his wife who is the violent one, then shouldn't it be her attending a DM course?

RubbishMantra Sat 16-Apr-16 15:12:02

* DV not DM

LineyReborn Sat 16-Apr-16 15:25:23

One of the (many) fears of men in DV situations with children is that they, the man, will be the one asked to leave the relationship and family home, leaving their children with the abusive parent.

So they carry on, and try, and perversely enable the whole miserable damaging mess to continue.

They fear they won't be believed, that they will be accused of contributing to the whole mess, and that they will leave their children exposed and isolated.

I appreciate that this is rare, but it does sadly exist.

OP, I really think you need to get your brother to use those numbers, for his DC's sake. They need a better family than this.

So sorry this is happening.

EasyToEatTiger Sat 16-Apr-16 23:45:26

Again, thank you all for kind words. I don't get on with my brother very well. Dysfunction has got in the way. Yes the courts are involved and SS and all sorts of other professionals. My brother is an idiot, but he still doesn't deserve to be hit, and he doesn't deserve to be attacked by his children because their mother instructs them. He is in some kind of denial. I carted him off to the doctor when he was in a state only because I was visiting my mum. A friend of mine sees his children looking grey and withdrawn. My brother is hopeless. My father despairs. For me, it is very difficult, because I think my children should not be deprived of their grandparents or aunts and uncles. It is my responsibility to keep my children safe, and my family are in the hands of CAHM psychiatrist because things at home are not that great. At the moment I have no-one to contact about my brother's children. It is as though they don't exist. It's heartbreaking to hear snippets of their lives. My brother seems to want it that way. Do I contact SS and raise my concerns, or walk away? As I mentioned, the situation is extremely toxic. CAFCASS are involved and say it's amongst the worst cases they have had to deal with.

Sorry for rant. I live a very separate life from the rest of my family. It breaks my heart to lose another brother and it's very lonely dealing (or not) with this kind of thing.

LineyReborn Sat 16-Apr-16 23:51:52

Cafcass should already be alerting SS. You could certainly check that they are doing this - and/or inform them that you expect that they are doing so.

I've had dealings with Cafcass and their liaison with SS was truly incompetent, so worth chasing up.

Are the children's schools not concerned?

EasyToEatTiger Sun 17-Apr-16 00:26:51

I will contact CAFCASS and ask them. My brother is completely useless. It is a wretched situation. I have asked the school to keep a look out. What you said, Liney, is pretty much what seems to be happening. Those poor children.

VestalVirgin Sun 17-Apr-16 17:46:42

Getting adults out of abusive relationships is hard because they often don't want out, as seems to be the case with your brother.

However, as children are involved, I do think you will at the very least be able to get the children out of this environment - which you should. Call the police.

Once he doesn't have to worry about the children anymore, your brother may feel more compelled to get out.

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