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My dad had an affair, now has moved out...??? Is this a midlife crisis???

(25 Posts)
Sam1991 Fri 15-Apr-16 19:18:40

Hi, I am new to this site and am a 24 year old male.

My dad recently admitted to having an affair with our tennant who rents our other house: He's 58 and she's 45 (8 year age gap). She is literally the scum of the earth (IMO), she works in a Fish and Chip Shop (possibly claiming benefits and child benefit). He has gone twice (walked out on her once). He said he left [us] because he was bored, and "she showed him some attention" and they [her and her family] are fun and we are boring. I have Aspergers, my mum has MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and my grandmother (his mother) has Dementia (Alzimers). - I think he's just running away from his problems and responsibilities. My mum seems to think that he's left because he doesn't like being with someone with a disability. - He actually said to her "that she's fucked," and said to me that I'm "a failiure". It started when he would be out at the pub for sometimes for 10 hours at a times, and would come back paraletically drunk, he started dressing very young for his age (wearing things that I myself would wear when he's 54). He admitted it one night when he was drunk and walked out and stayed there for four weeks before coming back in floods of tears, saying if he had to stay there he'd commit suicide (he's threatened suicide twice now). He's said some horrific things about this other woman when he came back, saying: that they are "dirty", "disrespectful", "lowlifes", "scrotes", "no better than gypsies", that her 14 year old son is "ugly", "has no respect" and is "a complete waste of space". He said that she is "a alcoholic", who drinks constantly. When he left the OW, we went away to Liverpool for a weekend (me , dad, mum and brother) and when he came back he had to hide his van in a secret location, so the OW wouldn't find out: I think he's actually scared of her. The second time he went was because my mum went on his online Vodafone account and saw that there were over 1000+ text messages and calls to her, then went again. This other woman is just sick, she thinks what she is doing is funny: she puts ideas into his head, like "Your kids are NOT kids anymore, their adults" and has actually threatened to beat my mum up; talk about sick. He's been there for about seven weeks now, he still hasn't moved his stuff out of the house. He came around the other day and my mum asked him "what went wrong in their relationship?" and he said "it had just run it's course" - Pathetic excuse, IMO! It's NOT the only time we suspect he had an affair, we think he had a fling with a 17 year old who worked behind the bar at our local pub. He would drive her everywhere in his car, showing off (like a boy racer). But recently my mum discoverd through his Vodafone account that there is another number that he's been texting and calling that started more-or-less about the same time that he started the affair with the OW. I feel like I want to tell the other woman, or tell him that I know that there is someone else too so it comes crashing down on him, but I think that would be me just being evil...

We all think he's had a complete mental breakdown. He (and her, the OW) seem to think that (me and my brother) will come around in time to them/her/him. But, personally I don't think we ever will. he's spending money on them left, right and centre (they must think that it's great; we think he's bought her a new car). How do you think it will end??? and do you think he'll come crying back to my mother like he did before? Do you think that this is a breakdown, a midlife crisis, or a combo of both???

springydaffs Sat 16-Apr-16 00:39:40

I don't think it's any of those things. He just fancies a bit of skirt.

You call her a low life but he doesn't sound much better tbh.

btw the 10 hours in the pub - is that usual? Does he have a problem with drink?

But the bottom line is that he is, or was, in a marriage with your MUM, not with you or your brother. yy you're 24 but this is between them.

I'm sorry your family has been turned upside down by his antics this flowers

AnotherEmma Sat 16-Apr-16 00:44:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnotherEmma Sat 16-Apr-16 00:46:10

To be fair you have probably inherited some of your sexist snobbish attitude from your father, so if he leaves there is some hope you may adopt a better attitude

stonecircle Sat 16-Apr-16 00:56:33

Er - I can't see anywhere where the op is blaming the ow for the affair. He describes his father's failings and appalling behaviour as much as her's. Mind you, anyone who would threaten to beat up someone with ms does sound like scum in my book!

HelenaDove Sat 16-Apr-16 01:45:57

Its a thirteen year age gap.

justanotherdowntroddenmass Sat 16-Apr-16 02:01:41

My father was an alcoholic proper, he had an affair with a much younger woman.

In the end he committed suicide.

OP is not the same, it's a difficult thing to deal with and there are probably lots of other issues that need taken into consideration. Money, health, jobs, blah blah blah. Don't go so hard on someone that has plucked up the courage, even on an anonymous site, to ask for help, advice and a sensitive ear. I doubt he's the same just because he doesn't much like someone because of what they have done to his family.

It took me a long time to accept what actually went on in my fathers life (still haven't really accepted him killing himself) but it is all how things go. It's not nice, it's not perfect but things really aren't most of the time so just look at the facts and stop judging before you've read and understood what the OP posted.

justanotherdowntroddenmass Sat 16-Apr-16 02:07:50

OP, talk to someone, your doctor/dentist/podiatrist! Anyone! There are people out there that can help.

Your father probably needs some help that isn't judgment or 'a slap in the face '

Don't throw everything at them, try and talk to him rather than at him. You're a man as is he start slow and work up to the 'what the hell' chat. You might help more than you think you possibly imagine.

MushroomMama Sat 16-Apr-16 02:12:47

My mum cheated with someone 11 years younger than her!

It's a proper dickhead thing todo and it's hard as a child but also an adult to see your parents in a bad light.

The women in question isn't scum she's probably quite vulnerable and you shouldn't throw around accusations about her finances without the full facts. I know you're angry but it takes two to tango after all

Focus on supporting your mum through this tough time she needs your love and support to figure out things.

cuautepec Sat 16-Apr-16 03:04:43

Not all marriages are going to stay the course, OP. Focus on helping your mother through this difficult time.

MatrixReloaded Sat 16-Apr-16 03:29:16

Nasty stupid response from Emma.

Op there's nothing you can do. Your mum needs legal advice urgently.

HappyJanuary Sat 16-Apr-16 05:20:28

OP, it hurts to find out that a parent is capable of bad judgement and shameful behaviour, no matter how old you are, and I'm certainly not going to judge you for being angry with both him and ow. I can't imagine many people would speak kindly of the woman colluding with and enabling their father to devastate their family.

But I think that laying blame or second-guessing his motives and next steps is pointless and will drive you mad.

You want to believe that he is having a breakdown or a mid life crisis, that he is being led astray, and that everything will go back to how it used to be once he comes to his senses, but IMO your focus now should be on helping your mum to accept that her marriage is over, and supporting her in practical ways. She needs legal advice as a matter of urgency, and to show your dad in every way possible that he has burnt his bridges, that she won't accept his dreadful treatment of her, and that you will all survive just fine without him.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 16-Apr-16 06:38:01

To be fair you have probably inherited some of your sexist snobbish attitude from your father, so if he leaves there is some hope you may adopt a better attitude

This is the type of response that leaves me scratching my head at MN.

Poster is clearly going through a rough time, even if she (OW)was a saint (she could well be an awful person) let him get what he needs to off his chest and wind your neck in. I can't imagine you would hold no animosity at all for a woman who was coming between your dad and poorly mum?

Chill out and calm down and reserve that sort of frustration for something that actually requires it.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 16-Apr-16 06:44:47

And OP..look after and support your Mum and concentrate on being a loving family regardless of your father's appalling antics. Make sure your mum seeks advice and then focus on the positive things and build a better life without the awful man! You are not a failure and I'm sure your mum is an amazing woman. i had a parent who called me names sometimes when they were stressed and thankfully realised it was very much their issue not mine X

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 16-Apr-16 06:48:45

Don't give the OP a hard time, he's going through about a bit of support folks?

My mum had an affair in her 60s with the local bishop (seriously). I have no idea if it was a (late) mid life crisis or what. She told me that my dad had not paid her any attention for over 20 years and then this man came along who paid her attention and she fell for it. Every relationship is different and my parents never recovered. Mum wanted to seperate and by the tIme she realised this bloke was never going to leave his wife and changed her mind my dad had found someone else.

I think the only thing you can do is support your mum emotionally, get her to see a solicitor ASAP. Your mum has to move on as if he isn't coming back as there is a good chance he won't. And even if he did would she really want him back after he's trested her this way? She needs to protect herself financially now.

It's totally up to you whether you reconcile with your dad or not. Give yourself time.

AlleyCatandRastaMouse Sat 16-Apr-16 06:56:15

Hi i don't think your father is having a mid life crisis I think he is having an affair. I am so sorry that he is behaving like this for you and your mother particularly.

As an aside it can seem like the other woman is the main problem she is not.

You describe her very disparagingly. It is understandably that you do not like her given the affair she is having with your Dad and that is enough but that is a silly narrative about benefits that is being put forward by TV and newspapers where they try to tell us that people on benefits are all living in the lap of luxury and are all somehow lesser is inaccurate. I would be very careful of believing that narrative if I were you. I am sure you have experienced people not understanding what it is like to be you because of your ASD well equally living on benefits and the circumstances meaning that you need to live on benefits means people don't understand you either and make incorrect assumptions about you.

Isetan Sat 16-Apr-16 07:22:09

I get that your father treating his marriage like a revolving door will be incredibly disconcerting and distressing for someone with Aspergers and right now, 'him coming back' is the answer to all your prayers. However, he doesn't sound like a pleasant man and his permanent departure could be the best thing for you, your Mum and your brother. Of course it's far to early in your grief to comprehend the idea now but as someone who is no longer with a selfish man, I didn't realise how unhappy I was being tethered to someone so self absorbed.

Focus your energies where they will get the best return and that isn't on this selfish and cruel man. Do you and Mum have real life support?

AnotherEmma is right, repeating your father's appalling language (and probable bullshit) with regards to this woman does not reflect well on you and your downright snobby attitude, will only make it harder for you to adjust to whatever socio economic circumstance a possible divorce could land your mother in.

WellErrr Sat 16-Apr-16 07:35:19

You sound well rid to be honest.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time, and hope it gets better soon flowers

wonkylampshade Sat 16-Apr-16 07:38:25

Is your father 54 or 58 OP?

stonecircle Sat 16-Apr-16 07:59:34

Does it matter? Clearly there's a mistake in the numbers in the op? How does it help to point it out and why does it matter if he's 54 or 58?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 16-Apr-16 08:52:56

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this in your life a the moment. I read all of your post and I can actually hear your mum speaking. It's understandable that you feel protective of her but, MushroomMoma and HappyJanuary are right in that your mum needs to get advice on her situation. It's completely understandable that she will lean on you for support but you shouldn't be the only source of support, there must be some kind of outside help that she can get and it would be helpful of you if you were to point her in that direction so that she can focus on getting that help.

As far as your dad is concerned, the reasons why he is doing 'this' aren't really that important. The fact is, he IS doing this and it's unacceptable and disrespectful to his family. All you can do is tell him that - and then distance yourself from it because it's his issue to solve, not yours. This man is your dad and your relationship with him is something you have control over. His relationship with your mother is their business and something they will need to come to terms with - and they will.

Ignore the snitty posters, they're always like that.

AnotherEmma Sat 16-Apr-16 10:21:21

Thank you Isetan

andintothefire Sat 16-Apr-16 17:54:21

Some really great advice on this thread. OP - you are an adult, as scary as that might seem. You need to accept that your parents' relationship is mainly their business and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how your Dad feels about you. It sounds a horrible situation and, to be honest, as though you might all live happier, calmer lives with your Dad in a relationship with somebody else.

Try to focus on spending time with your Mum and close family. Please try not to be too angry with your Dad - you will never really know what has gone on in his relationship with either your Mum or the person he is now seeing. You will also never really know how difficult he might have found things over a number of years. You talk about his 'responsibilities', but I think that to some extent he also has a responsibility to be happy as well, particularly now his children are not young kids any more.

I really hope that everything can calm down and at some point you can have a good relationship with him without being quite as angry and hurt. It will of course take time, but the best thing you can do right now is to try to diffuse the situation and focus on trying to be there for your Mum.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 16-Apr-16 19:17:17

He sounds like he's being an arsehole, and I wouldn't give two shiny shits about whether he's having a midlife crisis/breakdown or not when he's showing no consideration for his family.

If I were your mum's friend, I'd be telling her to divorce him and sort out the finances before he spends it all.

Only time will tell whether the affair lasts or not but any woman who starts an affair with her married landlord is at the very least, incredibly short-sighted.

Coconutty Sat 16-Apr-16 19:21:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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