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long time no see dad!!

(18 Posts)
Onlyonechance2011 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:30:46

My daughter and I left a boat/plane away from her narcissistic dad over 2 years ago, after plenty of encouragement to ask him to keep contact, last few weeks they started to Skype, but he never kept the routine up, my daughter of 4yrs, keeps asking questions about her dad, what's his favourite colour?, what colour eyes does he have?, I booked the boat for next weekend, I haven't told her dad, I'm just going to turn up, or should I tell him? I don't know!!! confusedconfused

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:33:39

Is there anything that could stop him from taking her back once your there?
And what if he's not there, it's going to be damaging to your dc if it goes badly

You can't force him to have regular contact only handle her expectations

Onlyonechance2011 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:37:57

No nothing, he isn't that sort of person, and I haven't told my daughter, she was very young when we left and wouldn't remember the place we are going too, as we have always travelled, i can't force contact no, but I want to show the effort I am making to my daughter, also I have loads of valuables (photos and newborn) which I have been asking for over 2 years to be sent over, I feel I owe it to them as I'm the one that left, and made them apart, I'm hoping if we go, he will see what he is missing with her.

Creampastry Sat 16-Apr-16 06:46:55

Really, are you seriously just going to turn up? A recipe for disaster! It's a stupid idea. Sadly you can't force contact from a parent. Your dd could get very hurt from this, and it would be your fault for taking her.

timelytess Sat 16-Apr-16 06:51:31

Turning up without an arrangement wouldn't work even if you were a casual old friend with no relationship history and no child, and just wanted to say hello and have a cup of tea.

Grow up. Make proper arrangements. If he won't do that, explain to your daughter. Its his inadequacy, not hers.

Daughter kept up regular contact with her father from 4-21, to keep the maintenance coming, and suffered years of depression for it. Sometimes a clean break is a good thing.

CuttedUpPear Sat 16-Apr-16 07:08:14

Why the drama?
Why not just drop him a line to say that you are coming over?
As other posters have said, he might not even be there, and what a disappointment that would be for your daughter.

Onlyonechance2011 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:07:35


No need for the rudeness, I asked for opinions, not utter rudeness!!

Thanks for your opinions everyone else.

I have messaged her dad, reasons why I planned not to tell him is because he would contact his mum who lives in France, who will do anything in her will power to keep us there, I left there at 6 stone!!! I was mentally ill from their mental abuse over the 5 years!! I can just cope with his company let alone ex pil... I feel I am strong enough to put whatever they say over my head, because I sure as hell know nothing nice will come towards me...

He also asked me to leave her there for a day, alone.. Fat chance!!! My supervision only!!! 2 bloody years he hasn't acknowledged her existence..

timelytess Sun 17-Apr-16 20:38:46

Pfft. There was no rudeness, only sound advice.

Onlyonechance2011 Sun 17-Apr-16 20:52:04

Clearly social skills need tweaking..

Groovee Sun 17-Apr-16 20:54:55

I wouldn't be making an effort. My brother only made an effort when people made it possible for him, leaving 2 very distressed daughters who now as grown ups contact me and my parents. They are pleasant if he happens to see them but they said he'll never put them first and they remember their grief from a young age.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 17-Apr-16 21:03:00

I dont see any rudeness in tess's responses and I agree that it's foolish to turn up unannounced as you don't know what plans he may have made which could take him from his home or whether others, including his dps, will be staying with him as temporary houseguests. .

From what you've said about his dm, I suggest you steer clear of any possible encounter with her and invite him to spend a weekend in the UK so that he can spend time with dd and return the photos/belongings that you left behind.

VimFuego101 Sun 17-Apr-16 21:06:15

What happens if he's not even there when you turn up?

Onlyonechance2011 Sun 17-Apr-16 21:19:29

Asking someone to grow up seems very rude to me,

I'm not only visiting there for her dad, I'm going for holiday for my partners birthday,
To visit friends and family as that's where they all are, i refused to go before and missed out seeing certain people to avoid the memories, iv overcome that fear, (which sounds silly)... Emotional abuse is an understatement that I went through, I left loving him, was a hard year, and I eventually got over the anorexia and depression with plenty of support...
I just feel as a mum I owe the opportunity...

goddessofsmallthings Sun 17-Apr-16 21:31:22

Perhaps you should tweak your own social skills before embarking on this trip as it's ill-mannered to turn up at anyone's home unannounced unless you have carte blanche to do, so or find yourself in dire straits while in the vicinity of a friend/acquaintance's home.

Tess rightly called it as she saw it from your OP, and it sounds an even more ill-conceived plan if you're intending to call on him with your new partner in tow.

Next time you just feel as a mum I owe the opportunity... I suggest you turn this thought on it's head as your dd's father should be making every effort to maintain regular contact with his dd of his own volition and forcing contact on him won't benefit her one iota.

Onlyonechance2011 Sun 17-Apr-16 21:47:47

Ill mannered? Il be staying in a hotel around the corner from my grandparents, reason why I was doubtful of telling him about our visit in case I felt it wasn't right for my daughter And new partner? Partner that's been there for over a year, he has every right to come away with us!!! As we do every other weekend!!!

goddessofsmallthings Mon 18-Apr-16 04:14:01

Jeez, are you always this touchy, OP?

If you'd avoided dripfeeding you may have received different responses but, in any event, I can't see that your dd will benefit from you and her turning up unannounced on her df's doorstep with your partner of '"over a year"'s duration and, more particularly, if your ex is unaware of his successor's existence.

Of course it may be that you've already introduced your partner to your ex in which case you'll no doubt reveal that they get on like a house on fire or be planning for him to visit with your gps while you take your dd to knock on her df's door without prior warning.

In any event it appears you have everything in hand and I'm left wondering why you posted here, unless you intend to print this thread off for use at some future date as a 4 yo is unlikely to appreciate "the effort" you are "making" to temporarily reunite her with her df. .

notonyurjellybellynelly Mon 18-Apr-16 04:21:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Onlyonechance2011 Mon 18-Apr-16 08:43:41

Forgetting the fact I was unsure whether to tell him or not, which I have now dealt with, I was wondering if anyone has ever been in a similar situation when reuniting their child to their father?

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