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A list of reasons why we're separating

(8 Posts)
FeelingSad01 Fri 15-Apr-16 13:03:02

I'm sorry this is a bit self indulgent but I want to make a list I can refer to when I have a wobble and feel like giving in. After 10 years I'm hopefully ending my ea relationship. This is because:

He's controlling.
I can't go out without him or dc.
He pressures for sex and sulks/argues if he doesn't get it.
Questions me constantly, where I've been, who I've seen etc.
He's a bully.
Makes me feel guilty when I know I've done nothing wrong.
Brings up things from the past to reinforce his arguments- things from before we were together.
Has me where I'm constantly thinking 'what will he say/think/do if I do xyz'

I feel exhausted, sad, guilty over splitting up. My dc will be devastated.

but it's the right thing to do

YetAnotherNC Fri 15-Apr-16 13:22:48

You are absolutely right - if you feel that way about your relationship, and he's treating you like that, it's definitely the right thing to do. Second guessing yourself and feeling constantly bullied is not a way to live. It is the RIGHT thing to do. Your DC will cope so long as they have you and you love them. In fact it will be better for them in the long run as they will have a stable healthy role model.
Well done, Keep going. I'm on my way out of an ea relationship, and god it's hard, but sooooo liberating!

FeelingSad01 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:15:04

Thank you yet can I ask how far along you are in your separation? We're still in the same house atm while we work out who's going to live where, it's very difficult.

YetAnotherNC Fri 15-Apr-16 21:46:36

We have been in different houses for just a week, but the whole separation process has been going for about 6 months, with bumps and hiccups along the way, forward three steps, back two kind of thing. I have times where I am so upset and sad, and then I remember the god-awful things he's said to me, the things he's accused me of, and I'm not so sad. I don't miss him, I miss the idea of a husband, and a happy family. But I'm going to make sure I have happy DCs and a happy family with us separate. Somehow...!

I have learnt that it helps to be really really stubborn, to just keep plodding, keep remembering why you're doing it. Use your inner earth-mama, your bloody-minded female, your lioness. It will happen, it takes time and pain and effort and compromise, but the end result is freedom from judgement, freedom from expectation and constraint, and you suddenly get a new lease of life when you remember who you really are.

Keep going! My best wishes are with you.

ouryve Fri 15-Apr-16 21:54:13

He's a rancid twafwaffle.

It's definitely the right thing to do.

ouryve Fri 15-Apr-16 21:55:05

twatfaffle.

twatwaffle.

yayconfused

I can't even swear coherently, tonight.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 17-Apr-16 14:00:26

That list is quite alarming OP, he is showing all the tell tale signs of an abusive partner.

It sounds as though you are making the right choice, good luck!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 17-Apr-16 15:52:41

You know what? I don't think your children will be devastated. A lot of partners tell themselves that to persuade themselves that they shouldn't end a relationship, even if it's as bad as yours.

He's abusive and a bully to you. Your children see that and probably fret that they will be next in the firing-line. I have every confidence that your children will be relieved to be out of harm's way. They have you, and you will keep them safe. As much as you possibly can.

Have you ever disclosed his controlling abusiveness? Start now if you haven't. This could provide you with compelling evidence of how frequent and unmediated contact would not be in your children's best interests if you fear he will turn his attention to them once you have withdrawn all direct contact with him yourself.

Womens Aid would be a good place to start for practical help and support as well as your own GP.

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