What do you think about before leaving DP

[georgiatraher]

I guess I'm looking for categories for a pros and cons list.

We've been together a year. I'm happy, Kind of. I'm just a bit lost and need to figure things out in my head but I don't really know where to start. I yo yo between happy and miserable with regards to my relationship.

I guess I'm asking what things you might consider before breaking up with someone. Or before staying with them.

I know that's all a bit vague but that's where my head is right now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's been a year.
You should be wonderfully happy with each other still.
You should not be unhappy about anything at all at this stage.
Do you live together?
If not, cut your losses and don't bother.
Life is too short for all of this.

What does he do that makes you miserable?

[LineyReborn]

Why are you feeling a bit lost, OP? Is it circumstances, or how he reacts to things you say / do? Something else?

[georgiatraher]

We don't live together, but I spend most of the week at his (4-5 nights/7) and have enough stuff at his that I basically have two of everything.

It's circumstance but also just the way he is.

I think I yo yo because he does. At home he's smiley and lets me cuddle and kiss. When we're alone I feel better, which is partly why I go to his so much. But he's very private and doesn't like PDA. I know this, I've posted about it upsetting me before. Last night we had a big movie night with friends and everyone was cosy on the floor with cushions. I reached up to hold his hand and he pulled away. It's stuff like that that upsets me. It's such a small thing but we're among friends, its dark and holding my hand won't kill you. He feels I mark my territory too much. I just feel rejected constantly when we're apart.

Circumstance wise, his mum is not well. She's home from hospital but will need surgery soon, and doctors have warned that she might not make it through that. He doesn't tell me about how the review session went with the doctor this week, I've asked. This morning I pointed out that I'm not trying to Pry I CARE what the answer is and he just so clearly doesn't want to talk to me about it, or anything really.

We're really busy in the run up to a dance competition and have a ton on and I don't even know when we can talk about anything.

[georgiatraher]

Just wrote an essay and lost it. Um, it's both. There's just so much on at the moment and being busy, family illness etc is putting some stress on things.

Mean while he's always been strict about PDA in public and openly pulls away and rejects me. we can't seem to find a happy medium between me wanting to hold his hand and him pulling a face if I put my head on his shoulder.

It's just everything.

That said, the weekends when we're alone with nothing to do are SO happy.

[wonkylampshade]

He's not worth all this angst. He's actively showing you that he's just not that keen.

[wonkylampshade]

It must be very hurtful, but in your shoes I'd take the hint and move on

[Jan45]

So he is rejecting you, all in a year, I'd find a man that was more than happy to hold your hand OP, there's plenty that would.

[TheNaze73]

It's only a year down the line, I'd end it without the list. You shouldn't be feeling like that already

[LineyReborn]

I think he'll do your head in eventually, and if by that time you've moved in with him or had a baby you'll be caught in a nightmare.

It'll hurt, but I'd move on.

[georgiatraher]

LineyReborn I think that's weighing on my mind too. I realise I can't change him, but I thought this would settle/I thought compromise would be easier.

[LineyReborn]

Did you meet him through dancing? Are you dance partners?

[georgiatraher]

Yes we met through dancing, no we're not dance partners.

[LineyReborn]

I'm trying to work out the context here. He doesn't talk to you about anything much, he won't let you touch him in front of other people.

Do your dance friends know you're a couple?

[georgiatraher]

Thank you. :) He talks to me, I think more than he talks to other people. He's very private in general. Also I understand not wanting to talk when he's upset about his mum. On the other hand... I think of him as my support for things like that, and he doesn't really have that feeling for me, or anyone.

Yes they know we're a couple. But occasionally periphery people who know us but don't socialise outside of the dance floor have no idea until I mention it.

It's kind of a joke that he pulls away from me. or makes a face if I put my head on his shoulder. And it's kind of teasing... but I don't think he knows how much it really really hurts me every time it happens particularly around our very close friends. I've mentioned the rejection being a problem before.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's not just a problem though is it?
It's now becoming your deal breaker and I'm not surprised at all.
Ultimatum time I think.

[LineyReborn]

What's he like with you in front of his mum?

Sorry for all the questions, it's like bloody Cluedo

[georgiatraher]

LineyReborn Like i said in the original post, I don't even know where to start, your questions are really helpful. Is it ludicrous to want to leave him because he's not cuddly infront of people. It's not even that. It's the rejection that's the worst thing.

[georgiatraher]

Then didnt even answer the question. Sorry:
I am the first girl he's brought home to his mum. She doesn't speak English well, so we have a language barrier, but I'm learning. He seems happier to put his arm around me with her around, but to be honest I havent been to see her in a long time because she's not feeling well.

He says she likes me but, Since all I can do it sit and look pretty, it doesnt really mean much.

[nicenewdusters]

From what you've said he sounds closed off and immature.

Already he's dictating the tone of your relationship. No PDA. He will only discuss things with you that he thinks are appropriate. He's comfortable with making you uncomfortable and upset in front of your friends. He won't be giving you support in the future.

What happens if one of his children want a cuddle, or to hold his hand, in public one day ? Is he going to be "strict" with them like he has been with you ?

I'd walk away and let him mess somebody else's future up, unfortunately.

[Piemernator]

Could I wake up with the same face on the pillow next to me forever and a day, no I couldn't.

[LineyReborn]

Well in that case, if he actually said something to you along the lines of you 'marking your territory' with him too much when you touch him in front of friends he may well not want to appear to be in a serious relationship in front if those friends.

So why would that be? Is he giving off a young free and single vibe in your dance circle and friendship circle? Was he doing that when you met him?

He seems happy enough for his mum to know he's got a nice girlfriend.

[georgiatraher]

Everyone in our circle knows we're together. He doesn't act single...but he doesnt act like we're a couple either.
He makes a point when he introduces me that he'll say, this is my gf etc. (am meeting a new person tonight, will see if he still does it.)
He's stopped saying I love you as well. I don't know if he's pulling away. If so, I want to be the one to pull the trigger first, because I feel like the wounded person in this. I have happily done his chores and helped with cooking and been a right hand for him at home and I don't get much from this anymore.

[LineyReborn]

It sounds like he's doing the bare minimum to have you as a girlfriend. Is the sex a bit crap too these days?

I can see why you want out. I would, too.

[nicenewdusters]

Just read your latest post. If you hadn't said at the outset that you'd only been together a year, I would have guessed from this that you'd been together years, and everything had gone stale. 12 months ! It should be carefree, fun, exciting, he should want to show you off to the world. Pull that trigger.

[georgiatraher]

I always feel better when we're alone for the weekend and can cuddle up before or after sex. always makes me feel happier and safer with him. secure might be a better way of phrasing it.

Sex is an interesting one. Previous relationship and I had a lot of sexual problems, basically allergic to eachother and had painful sex most of the time.
With my DP now everything has been fine and I have been happy but recently similiar issues have come up with DP. Worried that my body starts rejecting the guy I'm with if I feel insecure/unhappy.