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How long into dating before mentioning previous partner?

(18 Posts)
Klaptout Fri 15-Apr-16 01:26:59

We have been emailing since beginning of March, have had several 2 hour chats on the phone, lots of text conversation, both getting on very very well.
We have Been on two dates, first one was eating lunch in a pub followed by a walk very nice too. We enjoyed a few kisses.
second one was picnic which he insisted he made.
It was a lovely, very relaxed. Though we had to eat the picnic in the camper van due to the rain.
Lots of talking about our mutual interests of Art, theatre poetry music and motorbikes.
He has talked about his Daughter, he hasn't mentioned his Ex.

I think that's fine, that the early dates are about getting to know each other slowly
I do feel attracted to him, but I don't want rush things.
but my acquaintance A, thinks that he should have mentioned her within the last month, she says that he his hiding something.
And that if we fancied each other we should by now have gone further than just holding hands and kissing,
i think she is or was a MNetter as she mentioned red flags.

Should I ignore what she's saying, given that she's never met him. I know she has my interests at heart, she's been a huge support since I was widowed. Another friend B said she wondered if acquaintance A was feeling left out so trying to discourage me having dates. I still see A just as much, just now I feel a bit like I shouldn't talk to her about seeing him.

Is it odd that he hasn't spoken about his Ex with me
Is it odd that we've no plans to jump into bed together just yet.
I've been out of this dating lark for a while, have things changed so much?

Or are there red flags that I've just not noticed?

FlyRussianUnicorn Fri 15-Apr-16 01:30:44

Maybe its something serious and it really isnt any of your business until he knows you are serious and long term. So yeah you could say hes hiding something- doesnt mean its a bad thing.

Your friend sounds like a nosy twat OP.

Itinerary Fri 15-Apr-16 01:59:42

I disagree with your friend.

It's none of her business whether you "go further". Some people like to take things slowly.

I think your new man is probably wanting to be tactful in not going on about his ex. If you really want to know a bit about her why not ask?

VertigoNun Fri 15-Apr-16 02:06:09

No need to rush into bed.

Ask about the ex if you're intrigued.

redcaryellowcar Fri 15-Apr-16 03:56:33

All sounds perfectly lovely to me, think your friend is giving unsolicited advice. Enjoy this man he sounds great.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes Fri 15-Apr-16 04:29:28

No sounds fine. No rule about when to have sex

Anniegetyourgun Fri 15-Apr-16 05:44:38

I thought more usual red flags were going on and on about exes, and trying to rush you into bed before you felt ready. Although of course the opposite extreme isn't necessarily healthy either, but in this case - two dates and a handful of phone calls - I don't think "extreme" applies. He may be deliberately not mentioning the ex at this point as he doesn't want to bore you or make you feel he is comparing, ie polite rather than secretive.

A seems to be being a little over-cautious on your behalf. There may be an element of projection from her own experience - maybe she did know someone who kept suspiciously quiet. I'm not saying she's wrong, just that it seems rather early days to worry about things not yet said.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Fri 15-Apr-16 06:01:25

You've only met each other twice. On which of these does your friend think you should have had sex?

curren Fri 15-Apr-16 06:11:05

I think your friend sounds bonkers.

There could be loads of reasons he doesn't want to talk about her. He may feel bringing her up could be awkward for you. It may have been a bad break up and if he starts talking about it, it will end up pissing him off. I hate talking about situations that have annoyed me.

He just may not want to discuss it with someone he doesn't know that well. He may be waiting for you to bring it up so he knows you are comfortable talking about her. He has told you he has a child. It automatically follows there must a mother. He hasn't hidden anything.

He may just not thought of telling you about her as you have shown no interest.

As for sleeping together, there are no rules and 2 dates with no sex is not massively unusual.

I think your friend needs to step back and stop judging someone she doesn't know.

Jollyphonics Fri 15-Apr-16 06:23:02

OP on the dating thread everyone talks about holding back from sex until at least several dates in, so two dates is nothing!
And as for exes - I hate talking about or hearing about exes. If a man slags off his ex it's unattractive and a bit alarming. If they rave about how wonderful the ex was then it makes me feel inadequate. I'd rather hear and say nothing. Maybe your man feels the same.
What you're doing sounds perfectly fine.

ScarlettDarling Fri 15-Apr-16 06:27:46

Two dates and you should have had sex? confused Don't listen to your friend, how ridiculous!

Have you mentioned your exes to your new man? Have you asked him about his ex? Surely it's still early days...is hate for the first couple of dates to be talking about ex partners!

Sounds like you're enjoying your new relationship, good for you!

TheNaze73 Fri 15-Apr-16 07:16:29

I'm thinking your friend is slightly weird. I read a lot of threads on here & there are lot of suggestions & opinions that make me wonder what the rush is, for anything. Whether it be children, cohabiting, marriage whatever....
You do exactly what feels right for you & enjoy the moment. Ignore aquatintance A, she talking nonsense. It's only been 2 dates!

Klaptout Fri 15-Apr-16 07:21:41

Thanks for your replies, I'm glad nobody has said I'm crazy, I wasn't going jump his bones not this week anyway I thought that he would tell me about his wife when he's ready too.
I'd be running for the hills if he started saying nasty things about her, a sure sign of bitter in my book.
Acquaintance A said the thought he had something to hide or was disrespecting me by being dishonest, which I thought was a bit of an over reaction.
I hadn't thought of projection, that might be the case as she's not long out out of a realationship that got quite volatile. I did wonder if it was because she thought I would dump her now I'm seeing someone, I had no intention of doing that so I may just reassure her of that, if she continues.
He has not been at all pushy, he's not a widow but seems to have a good understanding of how that might effect me.
He has been very open about his daughter and her disabilities, he said that it has led to two women legging it sharpish, so I he want to mention it early on in case I was easily scared, I told him my kids also have disabilities so I didn't scare easy.

He plays the flute and the guitar so I'm guessing he's good with his hands.

CalleighDoodle Fri 15-Apr-16 07:42:18

Not at all weird to not mention ex and absolutely reasonable to not have had sex, or to have sex for a while yet either.

When i had first dates and the bloke said his wife had 'mental health issues' that was a red flag.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 15-Apr-16 09:04:07

I think it's a very GOOD thing not to talk about exes in the early stages of dating, which is where you're at.

Carry on, you're doing fine.

blindsider Fri 15-Apr-16 09:12:46

On balance I think it is a good sign. There is nothing worse than hearing what a bitch / pyscopath someones ex was etc. etc.

Ignore your friend and let the relationship develop at a pace you are both comfortable with - There is no normal.

Imbroglio Fri 15-Apr-16 09:44:23

I think talking endlessly about their exes is a bore and also a sign that things are likely to be unresolved.

He has mentioned the daughter because that's really important. At some point you may want to find out how long he's been single for, whether he is on good terms with ex etc, but you'll know when that time is.

Good luck - he sounds lovely!.

Klaptout Fri 15-Apr-16 23:23:33

Thanks for all the advice and wise words.
I'm certainly taking it slowly, what's the rush.

Saw A today, she told me about a couple of blokes she had met.
She said the the first one had erectile disfunction, so she wanted to have sex straight away with the second bloke, because she would rather not waste her time, if he had ED too, he didn't, she saw him again, Only to find out he had a very pregnant wife and toddler at home. So that's probably why she's projecting.

I've mentioned my DH to him, but only fleetingly as I'm aware that he might feel I'm comparing. The early days of dating are about getting to know each other and having fun, so I will continue to do just that.

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