First time poster - advice would be appreciated about a sensitive issue

[dustybrother]

Hello everyone, I am male and a first time poster here, I hope you don't mind me asking you all for some advice/guidance.

I've been married for about four years now, together for twelve and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. Very slowly of the course of our relationship my wife has become increasingly aggressive about things and can be very short with people. I on the other hand can be quite sensitive things and this has often led to arguments about one of us over-reacting to something or a particular situation.

On about 4 occasions over the past 5 years or so my wife has really lost the plot whereby she will hit out at me and I would have to hold her like you would a young child until she calms down. Things really came to a head about 5 months ago when she punched me in the head and on other parts of the body leading to some light bruising. I was driving at the time on the continent and I went through set a of lights when I probably shouldn't of done as I was confused by them. It wasn't a dangerous manoeuvre, nevertheless she screamed and shouted at me to stop, which I did, and then proceeded to punch me in the face hard. Her explanation is that she thought she was going to die. I am still in complete shock from the whole thing, and it has made me feel much more aggressive towards her which is completely out of character for me. I do not feel like sex with her at the moment as deep down as just don't want it, I'm so angry with her.

What do you think I should do?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would also say leave her because she is inherently violent. Men can also be on the receiving end of physical violence. There is no justification whatsoever for her violence towards you; by blaming you as well she is abdicating all responsibility for her actions.

It is NOT your fault she is violent towards you; she may well have grown up in a household where she saw violent behaviour herself from one or other parent and normalised it. Your DD has likely already seen her mother being violent towards you, she was in the car with you when she saw you as her dad being hit. She cannot herself grow up thinking that yes this is how people behave within relationships.

You need to call Mankind; they can and will help you further. Their phone number is 01823 334244 new.mankind.org.uk/. Call 999 as well if in immediate danger.

[NickiFury]

Your wife is an abuser and you should leave her immediately. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Does she get angry at other people in a similar fashion or is she only taking this out on you?. If she is being physically violent towards you only then it could be argued that she does not have an anger management problem at all.

[dustybrother]

Lumpylumperson - Many thanks for your reply. She has been to see a counsellor as a result of it to try and understand why she reacts like this when put in a situation over which she has no control. No further incidents have occurred since then. I'm not perfect either but I certainly don't feel like being physical at the moment.

Attila- She just seems to react at really heightened times of stress/anxiety and unfortunately I am sometimes on the end of it. What I'm trying to say is that it isn't me per se but more the situation which to be honest is the reason why I haven't left, plus I have my daughter to think of. Luckily my daughter wasn't in the car.

[dustybrother]

Attila - No it's just at me actually.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"She just seems to react at really heightened times of stress/anxiety and unfortunately I am sometimes on the end of it. What I'm trying to say is that it isn't me per se but more the situation which to be honest is the reason why I haven't left, plus I have my daughter to think of. Luckily my daughter wasn't in the car".

Your actions did not in themselves cause her to get so angry; she got physical towards you of her own volition. Her actions are her sole responsibility; this is about having power and control over the other person i.e. you. Many people get stressed and angry and do not hit their significant other as a result of that. She learnt this from somewhere (probably her own parents) and has normalised it.

Who sought counselling in that did she go of her own volition and what triggered such a move?. Counselling may have little to no effect in the long term; she has likely not accepted full responsibility for her actions and Anger Management counselling is not suitable anyway for people who commit acts of domestic violence. Has this counsellor ever spoken to you separately?.

What do you think your DD is learning from the two of you about relationships here?. It is precisely also for your DD that you should leave; she cannot herself afford to grow up seeing her dad get beat up ever. This is not a normal, emotionally healthy relationship at all for you to be at all in.

Your DD did not see her mother's violent behaviour towards you in the car thankfully but she has likely seen other disturbing behaviours from her mother towards you or the aftermath.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Your wife has already crossed an unacceptable line. You have a right to have a relationship free from violence.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Thought that was the case re her getting angry. She in all likelihood grew up within a violent household. What do you know exactly about her childhood and family background?. Does she have siblings, what are they like?.

It could be argued that she does not have an anger management problem at all since she seems to solely take her aggression out on you and you alone.

Ultimately you need to leave because violence often escalates; she could easily end up putting you in hospital. Do call the helpline number I posted earlier.

[dustybrother]

Attila - thanks a lot for your messages, they are quite an eye-opener and I'm feeling quite emotional about it all to be honest.

She didn't grow up in a violent household, her parents are lovely. I know that her grandfather (with whom she lived along with her parents) was quite an aggressive person (I never met him personally) and my wife has suggested previously that he used to hit his wife.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I know that her grandfather (with whom she lived along with her parents) was quite an aggressive person (I never met him personally) and my wife has suggested previously that he used to hit his wife".

Your wife in all likelihood saw a lot of that from him and went onto normalise it within her own self. She did see violent behaviour within the household when younger, it has affected her markedly. That household was not at all a happy one.

I am sorry you are feeling so emotional; this is indeed an emotional subject and hard for you. You must help your own self here.

You cannot ultimately help someone like your wife because she does not want your help or support. You can only help you and your child, your child must not grow up seeing you as her dad be physically abused by her mother.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I will say what I would say to an woman posting about violence and an aggressive partner.
The only acceptable amount of abuse is ANY relationship is NONE!
Absolutely NONE.
Once abuse like this is involved no-one on here would suggest a woman to stay and I am telling you the same.
You leave. Plain and simple.
Well, we all know it's not plain or simple. Which is why you are so conflicted and why so many women (and men) stay in abusive relationships for way too long!
Sorry but if my OH had been violent towards me as you describe he would have been kicked out after the 1st event!
Don't accept this.

[dustybrother]

Hellsbells- you're right it isn't simple unfortunately as love gets in the way. It wasn't a hard punch but a punch nonetheless. It was more that it was completely out of the blue and I just wasn't expecting it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Love is simply not enough when there is violence within the relationship. Her actions are not loving ones towards you are they?. If she truly loved you she would not use violence against you.; her own relationship template is warped.

Is your love for her really based on an unhealthy co-dependency?. You need to show your DD a healthy relationship example; not this, this is not at all healthy for you or her.

It is hard to leave but staying within this will be a slow emotional death for you - and your DD who will see the aftermath of her mother's violence towards you as her dad. She in particular must not grow up learning that violence within a relationship is normal.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Your wife has crossed that line more than once. When will enough be enough for you?. It is NOT your fault your wife is violent towards you.

[AnyFucker]

LTB

[dustybrother]

AnyFucker- I'm sorry, I'm new to this website and therefore don't know the acronyms, what is LTB?

[AnyFucker]

leave the bastard

[Boomingmarvellous]

My ex husband also couldn't cope with any kind of stress and would blow up in screaming rages that would last for hours. Mostly the house was damaged, walls, doors etc but occasionally he was physically violent. He never actually punched me but did knock me to the floor.

Have you considered if she had been a man and punched you that way it would have caused you serious injury? It's not the force that's used but the fact that it's done at all.

I also would not want my ex to touch me for a few weeks afterwards which of course made me into the bad person by withholding love. He could never understand I was hurt not trying to get my own back

Some People always say they take their temper out on their nearest and dearest as they are the ones they feel safe with. This to me is the biggest BS peddled. They are the last person you should do this to. They are the person who loves you most.

Your partner needs to be given an ultimatum. Get help or it ends. One thing I know is if you continue to put up with it it's a green light to continue and escalate. Your daughter needs you but she needs to live in a safe atmosphere too.

[dustybrother]

Bloomingmarvellous - presumably you left your ex then? I have said that I can't take anymore of it but to be honest I'm just out of energy.

[dustybrother]

I would really appreciate any other views

[TheVeganVagina]

99.99% of people on mn will say the same thing, we dont like domestic violence/abuse on here.

[buckingfrolicks]

Hi Dusty

I am an incredibly short-tempered, irritable woman who can react without thinking and lash out at my partner. However, I have never ever ever hit him (or anyone else). If I ever hit him, I'd seek help, I'd expect him to want me to leave the family home and seek that help before coming back. I'd be horrified, ashamed and panicking if I hit him. We've been together 20 years and our relationship is far from perfect for all sorts of reasons, but violence is not one of those reasons.

I'm just sharing this to tell you, that there is a massive gulf between a short-temper, and violence. Your wife has stepped over that gulf and needs to know it.

How has she talked about the event?

[buckingfrolicks]

• lash out verbally, I mean

[Boomingmarvellous]

Yes. Divorced. It's exhausting and demoralising. Eventually you start to accept the abnormal as normal and get more and more tired. One day you wake up (usually after an incident) and know you don't love this person any more. If you don't wake up you start thinking all you are worth is this treatment, and that makes you feel worthless.

I also (sorry bucking) loathe people who lash out verbally at their loved ones thinking this is acceptable. A psychiatrist (not mine ) once said to me that words hurt more than blows not altogether convinced about that but they come a close second

[dustybrother]

Hi buckingfrolicks - thanks for your message. Yeah she's talked about it and has eventually apologised for it but it still doesn't change things. I feel aggressive around her sometimes which is completely out of character, it's horrible! I just don't know what to do.

[dustybrother]

Boomingmarvellous - thanks. The thing is this was the first time she has hit me in the face the other times were just lashing out due to frustration. I could deal with the other times but just not this time, it felt different as it was so out of the blue.