Husband is lying

[blueberry04]

I really can't talk about this to people in RL my head is all over the place.

My DH is lying to me about money. We are in the process of buying our first house, he has no money to put into it and has not tried to save anything. I went for the mortgage and we had to say what debts we had. I don't have any I'm very careful and save so I have the full deposit. He has been to uni so has the usual student debt so I told all of this to the mortgage advisor. Once we had credit checks done they said that we hadn't disclosed another overdraft he had and another credit card. They are not for massive amounts.

I told him straight away and he lied to my face said he didn't know anything about them and they must have got it wrong. A few weeks later I opened some post from the bank and there in black and white was the secret overdraft. I didn't say I had seen it but asked again and he again said he didn't know but would call the bank when I mentioned fraud. He told me he called them and it was an overdraft from years ago and there was £60 odd pound outstanding and he paid it off.

At the weekend he had a letter from a bank and he told me he looked at a loan but they couldn't do anything to better what he had. Today another letter so I opened it and it says he has a new loan with them and paid into his account!

I've decided to go forward with buying the house in just my name everything is approved and I can afford it.

I don't know what to do we have a 1 year old and it breaks my heart to think of splitting up our family. We do get on well, we don't argue but I do resent a lot as I paid our wedding in full, pay more a month towards bills and went back to work full time after 3 months of giving birth.

I don't get the lying I always try to help him out I don't judge, I understand debt my family have been in awful situations so I don't understand this and can't work out why as we don't have expensive cars, holidays, clothes etc

What would you do? X

[LisaMed]

If you are married he will have a claim in the house should you divorce.

[PeppermintPasty]

What would I do? In all seriousness I would divorce him double quick. He is living off you and if you buy a house, as your husband he will be entitled to a share of it.

Isn't he just a plain old cocklodger, and a lying one to boot?

The resentment will only get worse. I would go and see a solicitor.

[blueberry04]

Will he get a stake in the house even tho I have paid everything and the deeds will be in my name?

He's so pushy to get a house I'm a lot more relaxed about renting and waiting for the right house.

If I did buy could he force me to sell?

I'm worried sick now!!

[LisaMed]

Yes, he will have a claim on the house if you divorce as it is considered an asset of the marriage. It doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds or who paid.

Yes, if you divorced he could then force you to sell and release his share.

There may be ways around this that I am not familiar with. Perhaps you should stall on the house until you have had some legal advice.

If I were in your position it would take quite a lot to get past the lying about the accounts etc. There may have been a good reason, but he should have been able to talk about stuff with you.

[LisaMed]

He will have a claim on any savings you have if you divorce, even if they are in your name.

Sending hugs - this is probably not what you want to hear.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Don't worry. If you buy now and seek to divorce him within a short time of moving in there's unlikely to be any equity in the property and as, presumably, you'll be the primary carer for your dc the division of marital assets should be in the region of 70-75% in your favour and he'll get 30% of nothing or very little.

Your h won't change and it's probable that he'll get worse and it'll be a case of; max out one card and he'll get another, One bank closes its doors to him and he'll find another.

You never know where you are with a liar and if he can lie about this at a time when complete honesty is required to buy a house which, as you've said, he's 'pushy' about, what else will he lie about? In short, he can't be trusted and that's no basis for a marriage.

[PoshPenny]

Seek legal advice about your marital situation before buying the house. I'm sorry but he is unlikely to change and it may well take a bankruptcy to make him grow up about money. You will just get more and more stressed and upset about the situation in the meantime. I've been there and done that myself.

[Fishface77]

Get legal advice before buying ANYTHING.
Financially disassociate yourself ASAP from this wannabe cocklodger.
And thank your lucky stars you found out before its too late.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Yes he will have a claim in everything and you potentially a liability in all his debts.

[LisaMed]

The OP may not want to divorce. If she does decide to divorce (which is a massive decision), the financial settlement can take time.

The secrecy about the loan, etc, would be difficult for me to deal with, I admit, and I think it is a good time to really consider how things are over all. I think getting some good advice may be money well spent.

blueberry04 - how is your husband in the rest of your life? Does he have any explanation where the money went?

[blueberry04]

Thanks for all your help.

That's my biggest worry if you can lie about this what else is there to lie about!

It's so odd he already has a lot of debt which he told me about but this he's hiding and I just can't work out why!

[StDogolphin]

It would make me question what other lies there might be, I don't think I could live with the uncertainty. Could you tell he was lying before you had proof?

[blueberry04]

He just tells me the money went on uni and living expenses. I honestly cannot work out where else it has gone.

The only thing I can think of is gambling. He likes to have a bet on the football and tells me £10 ish a time so it really could be more but I wouldn't know how to find out as he would just lie to me

[DragonboysMum]

My first thought was he may be gambling.
My ex had lots of hidden debts due to this and lied through his teeth every time I discovered one. I'd pay one off and then discover something else. It turned out that the lies extended to many other things. Our children went without for years and I scrimped and saved just for him to take out more loans etc. It wasn't a nice way to live and I could never trust him again.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I agree with others do NOT buy anything until you have some legal advice on your situation.
Then take it from there.
I would also tell him that you know about the loan and you want to know what he is doing with the money.

Tell him this:-
If a woman asks you a question it's better to tell her the truth because chances are, she's asking you because she already knows the answer!!!

[blueberry04]

Hellsbellsmelons - that's very true! Thanks X

[Friendlystories]

I would tell him you saw the letter and insist he signs up for one of the online credit reports so you can see exactly what debts he has and what he's applied for. Tell him you can't risk applying for mortgages etc without full knowledge of existing debts and I would want to know what he's done/is doing with the money from the most recent loan. That should give you a platform then to question what he's spending money on and hopefully uncover any issues such as a gambling problem. I agree with PP's though, you can't go ahead with buying a house without knowing all the facts about his financial situation.

[mix56]

the clincher for me, is that since lying about former loan, he has taken out another.
what is the point of lying unless its something have tot to hide as its dodgy.
I wouldn't want to be married to him under these circumstances.

[Pixiebutterfly83]

When you married you both took on everything the other has, which means you took on his debt, and if you by this house, it will be half his too. So unfortunately his secret debt is also your secret debt, whether you know about it or not, as you are now financially tied. I don't want to tell you to get divorced as I don't know you or him and what the other circumstances are in your life, but I would be very wary of a man that lies about things like this as you don't know what else he is lying about. I would maybe have a word with CAB even women's aid can sometime be of help. Just keep yourself right you need to think of yourself and your child and keep both safe

[mithy]

Aren't OP's savings joint as well then, so if she doesn't use it as a deposit on the house, won't her DH be entitled to some of it?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Yes. All debts and savings would be thrown into pot together. The debts are both yours and the savings both yours.

Do you know how much he is in debt by? I would get him to do a credit report . Noddle do a free one. Do it together so you can see everything at the same time.
You would have to pay half his debts and he would get half your savings if you divorce.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Once you are married it's all joint.
I wouldn't advise buying a house with this man.
He is untrustworthy for whatever reason, gambling etc.
If I were you I would get out now before his debts increase and you have more to pay off if you divorce.

He's just got another loan. How much for?

[blueberry04]

I have no idea how much the loan is for. He got a letter at the weekend and said oh they couldn't get a better rate on the loan he already had then got rid of the letter quick! The letter just said his loan would be paid into his account in 3 days and then a date for repayments no amount on there.

I know I can't trust him anymore and that's no basis for any kind of marriage I just can't not see my daughter everyday if I had to have shared access it would kill me

[lotsoffunandgames]

I understand the worry over not seeing your daughter every day but you would get used to it.this debt situation will just get worse as he keeps spending loads on god knows what.you can't trust him and he may drag you down with him and really affect you financially.my mother had this with my now ex step dad who wouldn't change over 15 years.15 years my mum tried to get him to change! I would seek legal advice about protecting your hard earned cash/divorce etc. Does he work? It is the trust issue I wouldn't be able to get over.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I'm a sahm. I don't have much in the way of earnings. My Dh has a well paid job and pays all the household bills plus he gives me a bit. Everything he earns goes into one pot and is shared out, so it's fair. Both our names are on our mortgage, although obviously I don't contribute anything towards it these days. I would expect in the event of any split that I was entitled to half of it though. If I wasn't at home looking after the children he wouldn't be able to keep his job, or work such long hours. The children would still need a roof over their heads. And I have a credit card. It's not for much and I pay it off but I haven't told Dh how much it's for because he'd moan, he's a bit sniffy about debt.

I'm in exactly the same position as your other half. Obviously I haven't lied quite as much, but I just thought perhaps it would help to see it from a woman's point of view. One in the same boat, so to speak. If my Dh was worried about my spending and as controlling over things as you seem to be, I think I'd be a bit cross. I appreciate he's lied about it but perhaps he's ashamed or worried about telling you.