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I've been horribly nosy and found something I shouldn't have....

(40 Posts)
Allepo Thu 14-Apr-16 12:30:10

I'm feeling really awful.

I'm a horrible nosy person.

DP and I have been together two years. We live together and are expecting our first child.

DP's sister is staying with us. She's gone out for the day and left her year planner on the table.

I had a look, out of nosiness and boredom.

She has DP's exes birthday in there and their wedding anniversary along with how many years....

They split up 3 years ago, she was abusive towards him and has caused him a world of problems ever since. DP says his sister and ex were never friends.

I feel ashamed that I was nosy and also bad about what I saw.

winchester1 Thu 14-Apr-16 12:38:18

Do her and her brother get on? Could ot be so she remembers he may need a bit more support on those days?

Allepo Thu 14-Apr-16 12:40:12

Yes DP very close to his sister.

DP left ex quite a long time ago and hasn't really looked back as it was so awful so don't think it would be to do with support.

category12 Thu 14-Apr-16 12:48:39

So what?

It's irrelevant to you and your dp and what his dsis notes in her planner or for what reason is her own business.

Allepo Thu 14-Apr-16 12:51:30

It just makes me feel weird that she is making a note of their wedding anniversary and how long they would have been together when they split up years ago.

I know I shouldn't have looked.

She didn't seem very happy when we told her I was expecting. It's made me feel that she doesn't like me much.

Caprinihahahaha Thu 14-Apr-16 12:53:43

Perhaps she doesn't like you because when she stays with you her stuff is gone through and you invade her privacy and excuse it with neediness?

Merd Thu 14-Apr-16 12:56:23

Or she's a supportive sister who knows those days could be sensitive for him and wants to remember to send an extra cheery text or something? And it's not about you.

Although yes - snooping like that is a really shit thing to do.

Allepo Thu 14-Apr-16 13:04:57

I have never ever gone through her stuff before, ever.

I was just being nosy because it was in the table in front of me and yes I know it was a shit thing to do.

LaConnerie Thu 14-Apr-16 13:09:48

Yes it was a shit thing to do but we all have a peek at things we shouldn't... don't we?

Ok I'll get my coat...

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 14-Apr-16 13:15:51

Firstly, it's wrong to snoop blah blah but you've done it now. grin

Can I ask - was it a hand written planner or a notebook type laptop thing you read?

Obviously if she goes to the trouble of hand writing important in her diary each year it's quite time consuming, and suggests his sis and ex are close.

If it's electronic, it probably automatically updates. No issue there.

If it's the former, then yep your Dp is probably telling you a small white lie in that his sis and ex are not friends, all evidence points to the contrary.

But let's face it, not much you can do is there.

Try to forget about it and if you like his sis, concentrate on building a relationship with her so she can see how awesome you are (when you're not reading people's private diaries!)

MardyGrave Thu 14-Apr-16 13:17:20

Don't prokect your insecurities and neediness onto situations which are entirely unrelated.

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 14-Apr-16 13:17:42

I have snooped a few times in the past btw, I'm not judging.

I always found out something I didn't want to know and which did not benefit my life in any way.

Now I don't bother.

KurriKurri Thu 14-Apr-16 13:22:33

I have all sorts of things written in my diary that might be open to misinterpretation if someone else read them - I know what I mean and I don't expect anyone else to be looking. I also note private things in there - medical appointments etc. - I'd feel pretty invaded if my sister in law looked through it.

Thing is you can;t unread what you've read - but you're going to have to try to forget it and go back to how you felt about your SIL before you looked at her private planner.

Was the dislike feeling always there or has it appeared since you looked at her diary? Work on making a good relationship with her - she's obviously an important part of your DP's life. It's irrelevant what her relationship with his ex is - she's an ex. He's chosen to be with you and have a child with you - that's a fact.
If she's staying with you then presumably your SIL has accepted that fact whatever her relationship with the ex may be.

CrackerChops Thu 14-Apr-16 13:24:09

Yes it was a shit thing to do but we all have a peek at things we shouldn't... don't we? Ok I'll get my coat...

grin Yes, and I was caught doing it last week! I was sat next to my boss in his office, and whilst he was fannying about on the computer I got really bored so I picked up a random booklet and started browsing it for a good three minutes. I was daydreaming so I didn't actually pay attention to what was in it. He eventually looked up and asked me to "please put that back."

Turns out it was someone's disciplinary file!!!! shock shock

I was absolutely mortified and I have learnt my lesson - always pay attention, at ALL times!! blush

Shepherdessy Thu 14-Apr-16 13:28:16

Fore-warned is fore-armed. They ARE obviously friends. Be very very careful of the person you have staying in your house. How long is she staying? Don't confront anyone, be nice to her & try to build a relationship with her but on the other hand watch out. She may try to drive a wedge between you & your DP.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 14-Apr-16 13:34:53

Hmm... I'm not really sure why it matters that it's there.

I know my best friends wedding date. I know when they "split", and when he moved out, and when they divorced. I don't keep a year planner but I guess if I did, they'd be in there, along with her children's birthdays and stuff. They are significant events for her and although she copes fine, I keep them in mind so that I know when they are - if they did effect her one year, I could be around to help, or I can distract her or just visit her, even if we don't mention it.

They are still significant events in her brothers life. They won't ever not be - although you'll create more with him.

Caprinihahahaha Thu 14-Apr-16 13:35:24

I'm nosy too - I'm not holier than thou. Really.

But honestly I wouldn't look through the belongings of someone staying with me. That just feels incredibly intrusive and the opposite of how someone should feel in my home. Perhaps I'm weird. Entirely possible.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Apr-16 13:35:48

I don't bother snooping, either. It's a stupid and shit thing to do. It's not 'being nosy', it's asking for trouble and invading someone's privacy.

So, no, LaConnerie, not all of us do it. Some of us learned the hard way to leave well enough the fuck alone.

hesterton Thu 14-Apr-16 13:41:05

I don't know why people are saying g sis in law is definitely friends with ex and therefore dh is lying.

That's totally unfair.

It is more likely to be what some have pointed out- that she wants to be aware of these dates should her brother need her support. To be a little extra sensitive to him. She was there when they split so will know the pain he may have gone through. He may not want to share that with you for fear of being inappropriate but he may want to share it with someone.

Allepo Thu 14-Apr-16 14:06:46

Thanks for all your posts, all valid points.

I guess it's that she didn't have my bday in their <petty> and yes it was all handwritten.

She is incredibly organised and maybe just wanted everything written down.

Bloody pregnancy hormones. Making mental note not to snoop again.

Shepherdessy Thu 14-Apr-16 16:08:45

Erm, actually, that isn't petty at all that your birthday isn't in there. Watch this one & get her out of your home asap. Good luck with the baby :-)

Merd Thu 14-Apr-16 17:34:29

Actually no - I'm not being holier than thou about it: my mum was incredibly nosy and I know how horrid it is to experience, so I've fought it like crazy not to repeat that and I honestly wouldn't have peeked at something "lying on the table in front of me".

And actually it is a bit petty and I don't think you can just blame that kind of stuff on hormones. When it comes down to it, she hasn't written your birthday down and didn't jump for joy at a baby announcement. There could be four thousand reasons for either - from not liking you, to shit timings or personal wounds you don't know about, or maybe she doesn't act the way most people would about stuff. It might not be about "you" at all.

Either way, if you want to be better friends with her, then why not try to be better friends with her? If that doesn't work, then just shrug and assume there are reasons, and stop taking it so personally.

WannaBe Thu 14-Apr-16 17:46:40

Actually no, it's not the norm to go through someone's private diary as a matter of course. It's not nosiness it's an invasion of someone's privacy.

You say she doesn't like you, it seems fairly evident why. You clearly have no boundaries or respect for her privacy at all. And tbh the kind of people who snoop like that aren't usually that subtle there will be signs that you are generally a nosy person. Perhaps she doesn't like that.

Never go looking for that which you are not prepared to find.

PrincessBooBoo Thu 14-Apr-16 19:15:14

Well, you cant undo it, but this is a good/hard lesson to learn. Nothing is good about opening Pandora's box...I snooped/found a Christmas present for the OW my husband had left me for when I was staying at the MIL's. I was bloody devastated that they could have bought her something when I was still upset about him leaving, so I do know

Good luck with the baby x

Allepo Thu 14-Apr-16 20:35:06

We do get on well and I've made an extra effort to be really nice to her this evening.

I asked DP again if they were mates and he said honestly no, they got on but were never close.

I don't really understand why she'd have it written down, DP and his ex really don't get on confused

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