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How to explain to him?

(3 Posts)
artlessflirt Thu 14-Apr-16 09:42:30

Not sure whether to post this in here or on the Sex board, but here goes.

This sounds pathetic, as we are both adults, but for some reason I find it so difficult to explain this to my DP.

DD is almost 6 months old. DP and I have always enjoyed a good sex life and, for the most part, our libidos are matched. However, I've recently been diagnosed with PND and am taking antidepressants. Whether it's a side effect of the tablets or the PND, or even it's just being a full-time mum, I don't know, but recently I just haven't been 'up for it'.

DD has just moved into her own room. Almost every night DP wants sex, which isn't out of the ordinary for us. But come the end of the day I have nothing left to give. DD can be so clingy that I find myself not even wanting to cuddle or kiss. I just want to lay untouched for a while. Sex feels like a huge effort sometimes, but I find myself relenting (for want of a better word) most nights because I don't want DP to feel pushed out or unloved.

I've tried explaining that I find physical contact overwhelming, but it always seems to come out in the wrong way and he will either say he just wants a cuddle and continue to hold me or, sometimes, take it as I need 'persuading' to have sex, which involves lots of back rubbing, kissing, touching, etc.

I feel like he's come to expect a certain level of intimacy in our relationship and can't seem to wrap his head around, or even begin to empathise, with how I feel come the end of the day. I still enjoy being intimate with him but I don't know how to explain to him without sounding like I'm rejecting him or don't want him.

Like I say, I feel utterly pathetic posting this, as really if I don't want to engage it should be a simple 'no' but his persistence means that often it comes across harsher than it's meant when I know he's just trying to show affection.

How can I explain how I'm feeling to him and him truly get it, without him thinking I just need winning around or turning on?

goingbackwards Thu 14-Apr-16 10:54:17

Hi, no expert here, but I feel for you.

I think he's not really listening to you, just trying to get back to "normal" from his viewpoint. I also wonder if he's worried the both of you won't get back to the way you were before you had your DD.

Maybe you should tell him exactly what you have posted here, maybe print it out so he can mull over how you feel, and see it not as a rejection of him, but that he needs to think about you and how you are feeling. The way you are feeling is very common for a lot of new mums.

If he carries on trying to touch you when you don't want him to, it could cause bigger hurdles in getting back to "normal". The best way he can show his love is to care enough to go with the flow, be understanding and supportive. I think you show a lot of understanding for him in your post. He needs to do the same.

artlessflirt Thu 14-Apr-16 19:18:00

Yes, goingbackwards, you're right. I very much don't want him to think that I've gone off him, because I haven't. It's all just a bit much sometimes, and the frequency in which he wants it I never actually feel like I want it myself, if that makes sense? It actually makes me want it less, and then it has gotten to a point where, bizarrely, I don't even know if I want sex or not as I'm constantly being won around. Not in a non-consenting way though, obviously.

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