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(20 Posts)
wallywobbles Thu 14-Apr-16 08:45:43

We don't live in the UK.

DP has his kids 50/50. He still lives in the family home.

Last week DP and I plus our 4 kids were on holiday in Spain. My DD and DSD sharing a room, both aged 10. They share a room a lot, very close relationship.

DSD tells DD that she had seen her step-dad naked. Then she went on to say that her mum had shown photos of him naked lying on their bed to her.

DSD, DSS and DP go home, and DD tells me what's happened, but please not to tell DP. I say I think I need to tell him, but she is really adamant and this is a bit of a background on this point. She thinks I am indiscreet with what I tell DP, I don't like secrets, but I also want her to know that she can trust me.

So we talk about it a bit, include other DD (11) in the discussion, work out a strategy to bring it up in conversation with DSD, and thereby discuss inappropriate images AGAIN.

2 nights later I'm Facetiming with DP, and DD decides he should be told, so she tell him. He's resigned to the EXW behaviour. We 3 talk about again last night at length (because other DD has messaged DSD that she knows - so potential damage as she is at her mums this week with step dad).

So DP says he thinks that EXW was using the photos to talk about sex education, discussion of bodies etc. That she absolutely will not think that she did something inappropriate much less wrong.

EXW extremely difficult person to deal with. She cheated on DP, which killed their relationship, but she was already on a spiral of self destruction. False accusations at work etc. Step Dad much easier to deal with. Not my cup of tea but we both like him, and he makes EXW much easier to handle. Divorce still not final after 3.5 years, but now in theory just waiting for court date.

I agree with DP that if we make a big (police) thing of this it'll end badly, for everyone.

I think that I will have a big discussion with all three girls. Point out that she can come to me at any time. She does trust me. I don't tend to rush off and make things worse - I have an appalling ex. (Our kids chose to go to court to stop access with him, aged 8 and 9. He is a verbally and emotionally violent alcoholic shithead.) So I've had lots of practice at being calm and slowly building evidence.

I have 2 questions for you:
1. Is this an actual offence? I think it probably is. Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but I think I'm more likely to get flamed for under-reacting.

2. Is there anything else I can do via the kids. Information that I should be imparting. I cannot go to the mother, I could possibly go to the step father. My DD thinks he is aware of it, but I havent talked to DSD yet. She gets back from her mum next Tuesday night.

So my action plan is. Talk to girls, discuss inappropriate images, risks etc (for the 100 time).
Find out all the facts without dropping DD in it.
Tell her that is ok to say to her Mum that she doesn't want to know/see/hear etc.
Tell her that she can come to me. Explain that I'm not going to make it worse. Can be asked not to tell DP - but cannot guarantee I wont tell him if I think it is a safeguarding issue.
Then.... I suspect I will just have to drop it.

Apologies for the very long post, but I didn't want to drip feed.

wonderingsoul Thu 14-Apr-16 11:57:47

Personally i would go to the police.

Having the sex talk is fine but you do not use photos of your partner. Just no. There is plenty if pictures and websites online that can explain bidys.

I would be worried she got some kick out if it.

I would get your sd this week and have a talk bout it and find out more information feom her then go to the police.

Heirhelp Thu 14-Apr-16 12:05:24

You need to go to the police\social services ASAP, as in right now. If possible tell the girls what you are doing and that you have to keep them safe. Write everything down but don't question the girls anymore.

I am a teacher and if a child shared this information we would be very concerned and be contacting social services immediately.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 14-Apr-16 12:09:57

Police I'm afraid. No question.

ScoutsMam Thu 14-Apr-16 12:15:12

Police. Sorry.

wallywobbles Thu 14-Apr-16 12:26:31

Ah bollocks. I'll talk to DSD on Tuesday if possible. It might have to wait til the following weekend.

wallywobbles Thu 14-Apr-16 12:27:27

Ah bollocks. I'll talk to DSD on Tuesday if possible. It might have to wait til the following weekend.

ScoutsMam Thu 14-Apr-16 12:34:12

No, you don't talk to her about this. You could end up leading her, even if you don't mean to. You go to police or social services.

daydreamnation Thu 14-Apr-16 12:42:56

Another one saying do not talk to your dsd again, not the right thing to do at all. Social services asap

Heirhelp Thu 14-Apr-16 12:44:44

You can wait until the weekend. From your description it is very likely she is being abused. You must act NOW.

Heirhelp Thu 14-Apr-16 12:45:25

Should read you can't wait until the weekend

IdealWeather Thu 14-Apr-16 12:50:48

What is the law in the country where you live?
If there is police involvement and the exW behaviour us considered not ok, what is going to happen? Could your DP loose access to his dcs?

Merd Thu 14-Apr-16 12:53:23

Not saying don't go to police (because I reckon that's right) but did your DSD say why or how or anything about the context? Is there ANY WAY at all that mum was showing her photos on phone and came across a "Shit! Skip past that one fast!" picture?

differentnameforthis Thu 14-Apr-16 12:55:40

Photos of naked people is called porn. Exposing children to porn is an offence.

Do not tell the mother/step dad anything.

Be careful talking about the photos. You could be seen as leading her if you ask the wrong thing.

You have to report this. It's a safeguarding issue. You can't NOT tell her father, and you should not drop it.

wallywobbles Thu 14-Apr-16 14:20:02

I cannot go to the police on heresay of my daughter. It might all been said to impress. I do need to hear it for myself from DSD in order to take action. I've arranged to see her on Tuesday when DP has her next. I can't do anything from Spain at any rate.

ScoutsMam Thu 14-Apr-16 14:30:47

I cannot go to the police on heresay of my daughter.

And that's how people get away with abusing children.

I do need to hear it for myself from DSD in order to take action.

She might not disclose to you. This is why people are trained to question children regarding stuff like this.

Heirhelp Thu 14-Apr-16 14:59:14

You are an adult who suspects a child is being sexually abused. You must go to the police today. In some countries it is an offence not to do so. You, as an adult are in a position to stop a child from being sexually abused. I can't think of a valid reason for you not to act NOW.

wallywobbles Thu 14-Apr-16 15:00:23

I'm not in the country we live in until the weekend. There's no point in going to the police in Spain. That's not going to help anything.

Heirhelp Thu 14-Apr-16 15:09:51

Is DSD currently with you and therefore safe or is she back home with Mum and step Dad and therefore at risk. If she is at risk you should ring the police in her home country.

wallywobbles Wed 20-Apr-16 08:06:26

To update.

She saw a specialist doctor last night and as I suspected the story had changed a bit in the retelling from my daughter to me. It turns out that she didn't actually see the photo because her mum hid it from her but did tell her that it was her step dad naked.

Not the most helpful thing when we have spent time hammering on about no naked/compromising photos by them or of them.

She shows no signs or behavior of abuse, which is a relief.

It would be good if we could talk to her mother about it but we cannot. Perhaps her stepdad at some point.

I know you wanted me to go in with guns blazing but the collateral damage for that would have been appalling and lasted for years. I've already been through it with my own kids, instigated by their Dad maliciously against his step father and my kids were traumatized by it. It is potentially life wrecking.

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