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ILs moving closer, DH's reaction

(113 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

ReySkywalker Wed 13-Apr-16 23:51:21

I've posted about ILs before, I have a difficult relationship with them and they are, imo, difficult people.

They currently live an hour's plane journey away, same country.

Couple of examples of their behaviour - deciding they're coming to visit & booking flights without checking, rearranging kitchen cupboards and where things go without asking, putting their own decorations up in our house at Christmas without asking, buying a rug and putting it in our bedroom without asking, taking DS out of my arms when he's been upset.

They're also really negative about everyone except DH and our DC. They've fallen out with every single member of their families on both sides.

About 1.5 years ago they told us they were moving to a town 45 mins away from us when SFIL retired the year after.

DH and I argued as he said I made it really obvious I didn't want that - I didn't and I don't, their influence is toxic to our relationship.
He said he'd love them to be so close.

We sorted it out, i made my peace with it as long as DH set up and stuck to boundaries.

They were meant to come to us for Christmas just gone, they decided not to but didn't tell us - hadn't called or emailed for ages and we only knew when DH called them for definite dates a week before.

Apparently we were supposed to get that they weren't coming by their lack of contact, that we didn't do enough with them when they came to visit recently (we had a new baby) and that we didn't contact them enough. Now they were going to move to a town even further than they were now. DH was really hurt.

MIL's brother died so DH and her patched things up.

Now, DH has told me they're coming to stay for a week next month to look at property 20 min from us and DH will be taking time off to drive them around and look at places!

I've said that's way too close for me and I want him to take my feelings into account. I've told him to please have a conversation, however awkward and say 'mom, a little bit more distance would work better for us'

At the end of the day, they can move where they want but since it's to be part of our lives I would hope they take what we (I) into consideration.

DH doesn't want to say anything, ive told him those are my feelings, they should be considered just as important as everyone else's in the situation and its up to him whether or not to respect me and what I want.

AIBU? I've compromised to the town 45 mins away but every time I give an inch they presume 'yeah she's fine now we'll take the mile'

Another factor in this I moved here away from my family and I wish I could be closer to them but I know DH is happier here so I stay.

AIBU? DH is making me feel like I'm ruining everyone's happiness for my own petty reasons

CotswoldStrife Wed 13-Apr-16 23:58:22

While I can see that you find them overbearing, I would not tell or ask them where they should live.

Whisky2014 Thu 14-Apr-16 00:00:33

Well you can't have a say in where they live. Full stop. So YABU. But just because they are close doesn't mean you need to see them all the time, does it?

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 14-Apr-16 00:00:47

At least there is no excuse whatsoever now for them to stay with you. They can babysit or pop around to see DH for short visits that you can reasonably be making yourself busy.
Just make sure they aren't given a key.
DH can go and see them with DC too. It could actually be easier!

NancyDroop Thu 14-Apr-16 00:01:03

Hi OP I think I remember your thread about the rug.

You're not being U and I feel that you know this, but the real question is how to manage the situation id your ILs do move much closer.

Step 1 as always is getting DH on board - what is the history here?

Btw, your ILs are playing stupid games by "punishing" you by suggesting they move further away, then "rewarding" by suggesting moving closer. So childish!

orchidnap Thu 14-Apr-16 00:02:26

Could it maybe have the plus point that if they live so close they have no reason to stay over anymore?

SingingSands Thu 14-Apr-16 00:02:43

Imagine your son asking you not to move close to him him, then imposing a boundary of where would be acceptable.

Just take a moment to think about that.

ReySkywalker Thu 14-Apr-16 00:04:34

Ok, thank you for your perspective.

AIBU to feel DH shouldn't be dismissing my feelings and encouraging the move though?

They could move next door if they wanted but surely if it's to be closer to us - then they should want us to be comfortable with their decision too?

I don't know, I'm at a loss with this

AnotherEmma Thu 14-Apr-16 00:05:31

The in laws can move where they want but I suggest that you move closer to your own family.

Your biggest problem is DH, of course. All this would be manageable if he respected your point of view and your needs, but he doesn't. He is probably deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I suggest you get yourself a copy of Toxic In Laws, get him a copy of www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0553814826/, read them and then do a lot of talking. If you're still not getting anywhere, I suggest couple's therapy (he might listen if a therapist is saying it and not just you).

If he refuses to read the book, listen to you, go to therapy or engage with it, seriously evaluate the relationship. In my view this is deal breaker territory.

AnotherEmma Thu 14-Apr-16 00:06:41

Link fail! The second one is Toxic Parents

ViewingEnded Thu 14-Apr-16 00:07:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NancyDroop Thu 14-Apr-16 00:07:33

To clarify, I think YABU to get DH to talk about acceptable distances to live byt YANBU to feel concerned and want support from your DH.

Ultimately though you can't change anyone else, you can only set up your own boundaries.

ReySkywalker Thu 14-Apr-16 00:08:59

But if I wanted to move closer to my son is ask him first what suits him and his family.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, I appreciate different perspectives.

As I've shown in my op they are difficult and I feel like if I don't set a boundary now I'll be resentful and it'll damage my family.

I've said I'm fine with the first place - now it's coming closer.

AnotherEmma Thu 14-Apr-16 00:09:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LineyReborn Thu 14-Apr-16 00:10:01

Your DH certainly shouldn't be dismissing your feelings. This is a recipe for disaster.

Do your family live in the same country?

AnotherEmma Thu 14-Apr-16 00:12:13

OP I suggest you get this moved to Relationships or start a new thread there. You are clearly not going to get any empathy or support here.
<kicks self for getting sucked into yet another nasty thread on AIBU>

AnotherEmma Thu 14-Apr-16 00:12:56

Cross post, sorry Liney, hadn't seen yours!

ReySkywalker Thu 14-Apr-16 00:14:06

Viewing, I have sons. That's hurtful.
I was lovely and welcoming to MIL until she started treating me badly.

She punishes DH by withdrawing contact and love when he doesn't do as she wants.

I'm not like that to my sons and I'm sure you're not either.

I'm a good person in a difficult situation looking for advice.

My family are a long way overseas

LineyReborn Thu 14-Apr-16 00:26:05

Yeah what AnotherEmma said. Ditch this thread and start another in Relationships, or ask for it to be moved.

flowers

BackforGood Thu 14-Apr-16 00:30:07

YABVU to think that you can tell them where to live (unless they were buying the house next door).
Orchidnap makes a good point about you not having to host them staying with you, if they live relatively close, too.

I think you would be doing better to talk to your dh about boundaries and standing up to his parents, rather than being so rude and controlling about where you think they might be allowed to live though.

JokesLOL Thu 14-Apr-16 00:33:02

You might find it less stressful if they are closer. I'd suggest DH visit them regularly and take the kids then I'd stay home and put my feet up. Sounds quite nice actually.

You can be 'busy' a lot.

ReySkywalker Thu 14-Apr-16 00:39:00

Ok, I've reported it and asked it to be moved.

I'm not trying to control them, I just want my feelings to be considered as important as theirs by my DH.
If he tells them that we would all get on better as everyone's feelings have been respected.

MangosteenSoda Thu 14-Apr-16 00:45:48

They can live where they want. Equally, so can you. Just because they move to your area, it doesn't mean you have to stay there forever - there are always options wink

I echo pps in that it might be easier letting your DH and DCs visit them alone on a more regular and ad hoc basis. You don't need to spend loads of time with them. It should be easier than the pressure of having them camp out in your house for weeks at a time. That's always very intensive and much more stressful imo.

The main issue is boundaries and that's what you need to agree on with your husband.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 14-Apr-16 00:49:25

YABU to expect your DH to tell his parents where to live.

YANBU to expect your DH to allow you to set your own boundaries with his parents and to be on your side if/when disagreements arise (assuming YANBU in these future disagreements).

Friendlystories Thu 14-Apr-16 00:55:04

I think you need to let go of the idea that you can influence where they live or that they should consider your feelings in their decision because it just won't ever happen judging by their past behaviour. This is all down to setting boundaries and managing the situation now and finding a way to get you and DH on the same side will be critical. How you do that very much depends on the dynamics of your relationship but you need to find a way of becoming a united front and putting each other (and your DC obviously) first. That will mean compromise on both sides and you can start that ball rolling by dropping the idea of asking him to try to influence where they move to, you're on a hiding to nothing with that anyway as it doesn't sound like they would listen so you're losing nothing by letting them get on with it. The key here is going to be you and DH being on the same page with regard to how much his parents are allowed to impose or interfere in your lives. You and DH have plenty of time to work out how you do that between you before they move and that's what you need to be concentrating on rather than letting yourself get wound up and frustrated over something you can't control. Once peace is restored between you and DH you can point out to him the things that have happened in the past and how they made you feel and, hopefully, get to a point where he understands the sort of things which bother you about the way PIL's behave. Once he 'gets' it you're perfectly placed to block or at least minimise those behaviours together rather than you and DH constantly butting heads over it. Basically you and DH need to be the team here rather than it being him and his parents against you if that makes sense? As a first step I would speak to DH and say that you can see you were being unfair by asking him to discourage them from moving close by but that you need him to help you not feel swamped by them living nearer because it will be a big change for you. If he can see that you're willing to meet him halfway then hopefully he will listen when you explain how past incidents have made you feel and help make sure your feelings are protected once they do actually move.

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