Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship age gap

(16 Posts)
Jmkian24 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:34:39

Hi everyone, new to this and jus lookin to offload and get a bit of advice. I met this guy at work id known him about 6 months and we started talking more and i started to have feelings for him. We started seeing each other in august 2015 and still goin strong now. In my eyes we fell in love, personality wise we match. Im 24 and hes 54. Things seem to be moving forward like weve booked a holiday and we spend time cooking together etc. We cant tell anyone at work or we wud have to work at separate places. I keep getting comments about the age gap from my closest friend and its started to play on my mind. I feel like i have to justify how we met and how we are together. Im not your typical 24 yr old, i like to stay in and not drink. Its just starting to upset me a bit now coz i am very happy with this guy. Any wise words please?

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 13-Apr-16 14:37:33

Are you living together? If not then do you see each other at his house & during evenings & weekends..?

Pinkheart5915 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:39:46

I think age gaps are fine, your an adult and know what you want, you don't have to justify to anybody.
Only thing I would say is you are at different stages in your life so do think carefully before you over invest.

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 13-Apr-16 14:46:01

I think that's a really, really, really big gap. You'll be wiping his bum before you're even 50!

Jmkian24 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:46:37

No we dont live together, we both work shifts so see each other wen we can and i have a little boy so i stay over when i can. It jus seems right between us but the age gap makes me think can this go anywhere?

TheNaze73 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:49:32

Just enjoy it for what it is. Never understand why people get so het up on the future, things change, people die, you never know what's around the corner. You're only 24, live life, take in the experience & enjoy today

Pinkheart5915 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:50:38

Agree with TheNaze enjoy it just see where it takes you

toofarfromcivilisation Wed 13-Apr-16 14:51:11

My husband is 24 years older than me & we have a fantastic relationship. When we got together I was 37 & he was 61, now we are 51 & 75. No different to any other couple. I do get sad sometimes thinking we won't grow old together but the good times have made up for that really. I might go under a bus anyway. Bit worried that you seem ashamed of it though. Get it out there & enjoy!

Arfarfanarf Wed 13-Apr-16 14:53:04

You're 24. You are an adult and free to be with whoever you choose. If you like this man, then be with him.

My advice would be to approach this with maturity. Have honest conversations about where you see yourselves in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. Do you want children, does he want children, etc. And make sure they are honest conversations. Not saying what the other wants to hear.

That's not because of the age gap. That's just what everyone should do when in a relationship. People don't and it all goes to shit.

Regarding your friends, tell them that you are very happy and if they cannot support you and be happy that you have found someone you really like, then the very least they can do is respect you enough to remain quiet about it.

I was married at about your age (to a man only 10 years older than me) and we quickly had 2 children . Like you, I found the 20s clubbing and drinking thing deathly dull. I'd got that all out of my system by the time I was 18! You aren't alone in that. As many people hate it as love it.

If you want to be taken seriously - then show people you are an adult and in charge of your own life. Act with maturity and don't act like you have to explain or justify your choices. Trying to do so only makes people think they are right and you are defensive or unsure. Be assertive.

Jmkian24 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:55:29

Thank you everyone it really means alot xx

WannaBe Wed 13-Apr-16 15:10:28

I think that it's nobody's business but yours, but I do think that you need to be honest with yourself in the same way you would need to be with any kind of difference e.g. If you were in a long distance relationship or if one wanted children and one not or any other kind of scenario where time may change things.

Right now things are great, but in ten, fifteen years time he will be retired and drawing his pension while you're still twenty years away from any of that. And if you have children together they may not have a dad as they grow into their teenage years (assuming you wait a while to have more DC. And while the idea of a potential accident or early death is of course there, with such a massive age gap old age and death is a reality which, assuming you stay well, you will have to face. Would you be ready to be his carer when you're not even in your 50's?

In life there are no guarantees, but in a relationship like this assuming it's going to go the distance there are unfortunately also guarantees which need to be considered.

And I would wonder why a 54 year old wanted to be with a 24 year old tbh. Yes, you're an adult, but it would concern me that the age gap also contained an imbalance of power.

I know someone who had a massive age gap in her relationship and he definitely took advantage of the fact she was so much younger than him. However as he got older and she gained in confidence, his health deteriorated and he eventually had to go into a care home. At this point she was only in her 30's, and wanted to live her life, so she did, and she dumped him at the time of his life when he will never find anyone else but she is now free to do as she chooses. All very sad all round.

Jan45 Wed 13-Apr-16 16:26:55

So you are happy to have no children?

Sorry but 30 years is massive, when you are 50 he will be 80 and no doubt you will be his carer, it would put me right off and I'd not embark on anything serious because of that.

toofarfromcivilisation Fri 15-Apr-16 03:13:26

Jan45 you do know that 80 is the new 50!

curren Fri 15-Apr-16 06:24:03

You need to do what everyone should do when in a relationship that's becoming serious.

Think about the future and discuss it.

Age gaps, in themseleves, don't bother me in the slightest. But when it's this big. I always think of kids. If you wait a few years to have them he will be 60. Do you want young children with a man in his 60s?

You are likely to become a fairly young widow. And your kids will lose one of their parents young. Yes I know that can happen to anybody. But the chances are far higher if he is pushing 60 before you have them.

My dad is a fit healthy 60 year old. He runs half marathons etc. I had my first when he was late 40s and my second in his mid fifties. I have seen that he finds the younger over far more difficult that the first. The 7 years made a big difference. He adores them both. But you can see a difference.

Me and dh cared for 3 of his grandparents. Dhs mum wasn't interested so we shared care with his dad. And now helping care for one of mine. I have 2 aunts and mum that I share care with. So it's not that hard, but it's not easy either. And non of these relatives have lived with us. My mum is 60. By the time I have finished caring for my grandad I will be starting to care for her. It's really difficult to work, have young kids and be a carer.

Do you want kids at all? Maybe you don't so it's not an issue.

You may be happy in just living in the moment. Which is fine, too. But you need to think about things before you move in together and decide if you are happy with that future. But everyone should do that. Regardless of age gap.

I can see why your friend is concerned. But if I was her I would express them once (if I really felt I should) then shut up and let you make the decision yourself.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 15-Apr-16 09:09:28

Love and connection are important, but so is reaching your own life goals.

Do you want children? Does he?
Do you want to stay put, or let your career take you all over the coutry/globe? Does this match his retirement plans?

I'd also be really curious to know whether he is in a senior position supervising you at work, because that would put you in very dodgy territory.

tartanbuggy Sun 17-Apr-16 00:28:30

Finding this interesting!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now