Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Have I been cheating all this time?

(35 Posts)
Blondie94 Wed 13-Apr-16 13:55:31

Me and dh have deicded to go our separate ways. I'm not upset over this because it was bound to happen sooner or later, we have a beautiful girl of 9 months. But nothing has been going right for around the last year.

We've been together for around 6 years, 3 years ago we had a break and I met a lovely man let's call him Jim for the sake of this thread. We had a few dates and kissed a few times he's covered in tattoos and never realised but he had an initial tattooed on his ring finger I confronted him about it he admitted he has a partner and two kids they are playing happy families. So I called it a day and went our separate ways I got back with my DH. But Jim soon got back in contact, and I was honest with him about me and DH trying to work on things. We have spoken every week for the last 3 years. Met up for coffee On many occasions (just coffee no funny business)

I've told him me an DH are now over and he's confessed he loves me and thinks about me all the time and has popped round for coffee and wants to start dating and all these feeling have flooded in for him.

Have I been cheating on DH all this time because I've secretly been seeing jim without DH knowing??

Arfarfanarf Wed 13-Apr-16 14:03:03

Possibly an emotional affair, talking all the time, meeting up for coffee (Im assuming you didn't tell your husband about it and he didn't come along or anything?)

But you've been having coffee with a lying cheating ratbag who wants to get into your pants despite the fact that he has a family. So, he's a prince.

Arfarfanarf Wed 13-Apr-16 14:04:44

sorry, missed the last bit where you do say your husband didn't know.

so yes, I think it could be argued it was an emotional affair.

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 13-Apr-16 14:07:57

Am I misunderstanding, is Jim still in his relationship? Are you heading towards being the OW?!

Blondie94 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:11:11

He tells me he's not with her. We text all evening before going to bed so it doesn't seem like he is. Always busy with the children on a Saturday because he says it's his day. So I believe him that they are over.

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 13-Apr-16 14:17:32

Not sure about the emotional affair but if you have spoken to him every week for the past 3 years then Jim is clearly fulfilling something that your husband is not.

Have you transferred your feelings that you used to have for your husband onto Jim? If so then its prob an emotional affair. How do you feel about Jim's declarations about his feelings, do you feel the same?

Arfarfanarf Wed 13-Apr-16 14:19:52

assuming he is also now free to enter into a relationship, is that what you want too?

AnyFucker Wed 13-Apr-16 14:21:52

Yes you have. You were not fully present when supposedly "working" on your marriage.

And you would be very silly to take what Jim says at face value.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 13-Apr-16 14:26:46

I wouldn't take texting as an indication of relationship status...

You need to know if they are together, for definite, before you do anything else.

I'd agree that it seems like an emotional affair, too, and I'm not surprised that things didn't improve with DH if you've been putting your efforts into Jim on the sidelines. But if you're not upset, that's probably a good indication that it wasn't the relationship for you anyway.

Think about what you want. If it's to be with him, make absolutely sure he is now single. If you're not sure, you could be using him as a sort-of rebound because new relationships are exciting. Tread carefully.

magoria Wed 13-Apr-16 14:37:38

When in the last 3 years did this lovely man leave his DP and 2 kids he was 'playing happy families' with?

If you have chatted every week for the last 3 years I think you have both contributed negatively to your relationships and it was probably emotionally cheating.

I would be very wary of getting involved with a man who managed to forget to tell you about his current relationship and DC from the start.

AntiqueSinger Wed 13-Apr-16 14:37:52

Yes. You have. This sentence says it all: he admitted he has a partner and two kids they are playing happy families. So I called it a day and went our separate ways I got back with my DH.

Sorry but this sounds like: I wouldn't have ended things, but since OM was unavailable, I decided to default back to my DH. However, I really wasn't over it completely ,so kept in touch for 3 years until things could change and OM became free. Now he's free and my marriage really was just a comfortable place to park until now so, now I can go.

You've not being genuine to yourself or you exDH. Would have been better to have split years ago. I do feel sorry for both your ex's, whom you've both strung along for years.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 13-Apr-16 14:42:20

He tells me he's not with her. We text all evening before going to bed so it doesn't seem like he is.

Can I just say that my H spent every night for 6 weeks sat on the sofa roughly 6 feet away from me sending very sexually explicit WhatsApp messages to a work colleague. People do, in general, sit there fiddling with their smartphones nowadays. So long as his DP can't actually see his phone screen there may not be any reason for her to feel suspicious.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 13-Apr-16 14:43:42

As for have you been cheating? I'd probably say you are on dodgy ground as your DH was unaware of the meetings. Although no "funny business" took place.

Duckdeamon Wed 13-Apr-16 14:46:03

Yes, you have been having a long term emotional affair. Not OK.

You also sound pretty blase about your DH and marriage.

TheNaze73 Wed 13-Apr-16 14:46:58

Flip it. If your DH, claimed what you just have, what would you think?

shovetheholly Wed 13-Apr-16 14:53:52

I think it depends enormously what kind of dynamic was present at those meetings over coffee. If you chatted in exactly the same way as you would have done with any girl friend (or in the same way that you would have done had your husband been present), then no, not an EA. I have male friends I email and meet with for coffee, and we are definitely not having an EA!

However, if your husband were a reasonable person and could have overheard and felt jealous or betrayed by the nature of the conversation, then it might have been some kind of emotional cheating. To be honest, from the nature of the setup, it does sound more like this second example. I would also be seriously concerned whether he's being straight with you about his other relationship.

AliceInUnderpants Wed 13-Apr-16 14:56:57

You kept it secret. What does that tell you?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 13-Apr-16 14:58:15

Actually, given how you met Jim 3 years ago, you are talking about a man who deals with feeling unhappy and/or bored in a serious relationship by going out and dating someone else. Rather than having the balls to either work on his current relationship or leave.

Whether he is still with his long-term partner or not - that doesn't sound like a man I would want to start a committed relationship with.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 13-Apr-16 15:14:37


Piemernator Wed 13-Apr-16 15:20:02

Of course you were and dont have anything more to do with Jim until a few months have passed and then see what happens. You should not date anyone for a while.

girlinacoma Wed 13-Apr-16 15:21:57

This is like a page from one of those 'spoof' Ladybird Books.


Jim tells Blondie that he is in love with her.
Jim's wife knows nothing of this.
Blondie gets confusing sensations 'down below' whenever she is with Jim
Nobody really knows what to say so instead everyone drinks lots of coffee

tigermoll Wed 13-Apr-16 20:25:48

At what point in these weekly meetings did Jim mention that his relationship with his partner was over? If you really were friends, I imagine that he would have told you about it as it was happening.

Or did he suddenly tell you they were split up once he knew you and your DH had parted?

You seem to have been very dismissive of Jim's partner from the start -- you describe them as "playing happy families" rather than "being in a relationship".

curren Thu 14-Apr-16 06:40:08

I am really shocked you continued this, after getting back with your dh, being pregnant to him and having a child.

And only now are considering if it's an emotional affair.

Did you take you baby to these coffee dates? Did Jim fawn over her? Get some time to bond with her?

I feel quite sorry for your dh. You didn't give your marriage a chance and strung him along.

FatPaul Thu 14-Apr-16 06:45:05

Of course you cheated.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 14-Apr-16 06:46:54

playing happy families is a really dismissive and disrespectful way to talk about a man who lives with his partner and children. They aren't playing anything, they are a family.
Jim's a twat and so are you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now